Dissociating during sex - TRIGGERS!!!!!!

[Twinkletoes]

Hi everyone, Happy New Year to you all.

I think I have clearly marked this post above but this post will no doubt have triggers for some of you regarding abuse or sex so please stop reading if you need to!!

This is my question...

Last night, me and my other half were in bed and he started to touch my body - he sort of tickles me all over gently and it's lovely. However I started to become aware that I was thinking about the most random things - like the day and jobs and work and money and all various things - certainly not what I should be thinking about as my parter is trying to be intimate with me.  During the actual sex (this sounds awful) but I was kinda just waiting for it be over and when it was, I was relieved. Don't get me wrong, I love my partner very much so it's not that... and we hadn't had sex for about two weeks which at our age, is a long time but I didn't feel remotely like it the last few weeks, plus I had a bad cold and then my period started so I couldn't really anyway.... I struggled emotionally a lot over Xmas with crying and feeling miserable so perhaps there's a link.

I don't know if my mind drifting off like this IS dissociative or whether maybe I was just tired or something but I know it's happened to me a lot before and as weird as it sounds, I've only just realised it may be that I dissociate....

Not sure what I am asking really... anyone else know what I mean? 

[Three Roses]

Yes, this is true for me every time we have sex. It is an effort to keep present, and not let my mind wander off to past situations. Very disturbing, for me.

[Twinkletoes]

Oh I am sad to hear this happens to you too, but thank you for replying, I've been checking all day & thought it was just me.

Mine seems to be more the intimacy/foreplay that I dissociate and then during the actual sex, it's like I just want it over asap.... that sounds so mean I know.

[Three Roses]

I don't think it sounds mean, just honest

[justjulie]

I think sometimes it's hard to know what is "normal" - tired, a lot on your mind, sex getting routine with your partner - and what is trauma. Keeping in mind that the CPTSD symptoms are totally normal for anyone who went through that past sometimes helps.

[meursault]

I'm a guy and have that happen.  It really makes "performing" difficult.  I found I need to spend a lot of time with caressing and foreplay and whatnot, and keep focused on the intimacy and tactile sensations so I don't completely check out mentally.  When my mind starts to go, I have to actively refocus on her body.  I sometimes need to spend an hour or more just being sensual and crap before the triggering has calmed enough for me to function.  Well, either that or booze, but I don't drink any more.  I spent years just getting drunk and having one night stands.  It's really the entire reason I drank.

Meursault

[Wife#2]

I'm near tears reading this! I thought it was just me, that I was somehow frigid or strange. How could I be thinking about an oil change or did I give my DS his ice cream money or did I lock the back door? Anything but what I'm doing or he's doing.

My distractions (what I've been calling them, hadn't even thought about disregulations) have become so chronic and so debilitating to my libido, I went to the doctor. Not a T, I wasn't that self-aware. I went to the OBGYN complaining that due to menopause I was too dry. Of course, he's a doc, so he was happy to give me a prescript - that did actually help some! But, it didn't fix the core issues. It felt like a thimble to empty a lake.

I know I have sexually-based issues. Most predate my husband, but two are because of him early in the relationship. One means that I have too little trust, the other means I am too cautious and question his motives.

My problem is that I've become too 'able' to ignore the signs that my body is screaming at me - disregulating, brain & heart are not here right now, stop! - So that he can be satisfied. He's apologizing for not being able to go longer. I'm thankful and relieved that it's over.

[no_more_fear]

I have this too. I find it hard to stay present generally and sex is something that makes me feel very vulnerable, so I think dissociation is a protection for me.