Resources for recovering motivation?

[Sesame]

Does anyone know of any? I find this is something I have been struggling with the most for several years. I do not have access to a psychologist or therapy, but I think any resources would help me immensely. Someone mentioned there was a chapter on this in Pete Walker's C-PTSD book, but I didn't find that part.  If anyone can recommend anything else, whether it's a book, a website, or something else, I'd really appreciate it.

[Three Roses]

I don't know if you'll find this relevant, but it's usually a shame attack or my IC that keep me unmotivated.

Page 175 in "From Surviving To Thriving";

"The explanation for this is that the critic is essentially a process. It is an ever developing process that co-opts our creativity and funnels it into 'new and improved' ways of imitating our parents' disparagement.
"Parental contempt is the key piece of the emotional abuse that creates toxic shame. Toxic shame is the emotional matrix of the abandonment depression. It is also the glue that keeps us stuck helplessly in flashbacks. As such, toxic shame is the affect or emotional tone of the inner critic. Shame besmirches us as it emotionally intensifies each of the 14 assaults described above. (P 171-172.)
  "In mainstream psychology, shame is often described as a social emotion. Normal shame is a somewhat healthy, self-regulating emotional reaction that arises when someone witnesses us acting in an unfair, offensive, or hurtful way.
   "This is not the case with toxic shame however. Many c-ptsd survivors in recovery soon realize that they do not need a witness to suddenly be catapulted into a shame attack....
  "For me, the strongest evidence of this occurs when I am on my own and trying to do something difficult. If I make a mistake or do not accomplish my task as efficiently as possible, I often feel very anxious as if I am being watched and criticized."

If this seems to fit for you, try working on your inner critic - the voice in your head that tells you everything's got to be perfect or it's no good, etc.

Hope that helps!

[prairiewind]

When I'm feeling overly critical of myself I tell myself just do something. It can be small. There is no one but myself to judge what I do or not most of the time on my time off work, but it helps me keep the shame away.

[Sesame]

Thank you for the replies.

Is it normal to have an inner critic without truly hearing it? i.e. It influences your thoughts and feelings without you noticing a distinct voice telling you that you are a host of negative things?

I can definitely take small steps, but I struggle with feeling satisfied with that.

[woodsgnome]

It seems like what's called the inner critic doesn't just come and go. Its trick is to hitch a ride with you when you think it's not there or been dealt with. That's the discouragement that makes me feel like just giving up with any of this. Then it takes some doing to even try the small steps.

Small steps--that's what it takes, is the common response. Your observation is accurate, Sesame--that it's hard to see these, they can seem so small. We want the cosmic leaps, as the small steps seem almost invisible (maybe that's good?). I know with my own stuff, I feel stuck; yet my therapist pointed out last time that she's seen a lot of progress. Her list of what she sees, and I don't, were all along lines of what I'd consider small steps, but on reflection I can see her point...and still sigh when it would be so cool to reach the magic moment when everything seems settled and flowing smoothly.

Perhaps being careful with expecting a definite outcome and what that will look and feel like is more in tune with the way this usually works. Another key seems to involve staying open to the possibility of being surprised at the way things might actually turn out, and while that's uncomfortable it's also what the inner critic would love to hear, as the expectations game keeps them in charge and with a way to shame one if/when a person fall short of the way it was supposed to look. This open mind is a threat to the inner critic's security, but a boon to yours. In the process, you're gathering and implanting your own strength; which can eventually deter the inner critic's sinister hold on you.

The risk is the vulnerability in being open. We learned that sometimes being open cost us dearly. So maybe it's along the lines of nothing ventured, nothing gained? No answer, but living the question might at least keep that door ajar, if not fully open. Eventually your own power will be able to keep the inner critic at bay...most of the time. But I've learned to also dampen the notion that I will ever have fully kicked the feisty inner critic out. The best scenario is that someday I won't even notice; still it's not an expectation, just one of those juicy possibilities. 

[sanmagic7]

i got a dose of motivation today from being sick and tired of being sick and tired.  it was like i came to a point where i needed to decide - just keep going down this same road, feeling overwhelmed and beaten down, or get mad and decide that's not how i want to keep living my life.  i know part of that has come from all the caring and support i've received here - it buoyed my spirit, and my warrior woman said 'no more'!!!  my hub and the few wonderful people i now have in my life are all rooting for me, too, and i want to honor that.  so, one more shot it is, no matter how long it takes.  forward, ho!

[Three Roses]