State of the world and not feeling safe

[Jdog]

Hi-

I haven't posted in awhile, but am noticing myself reacting quite strongly to all of the reports of displaced refugees in Europe as well as the fires which are ravaging my home state. In my case, I distance myself from my fear with food.  Although I normally (and even now,somewhat) track my intake of food as well as my exercise to obtain balance I am certainly not eating in a controlled manner.  I am wanting to have self compassion since I recognize that I am being triggered, but self loathing is never far from view. 

I write to my therapist via email and she does provide support and acts as an anchoring presence, but of course the idea is to become my own anchor.

Thoughts?

[KayFly]

First, you are right to want support during this time and I'm very glad you reached out. You seem so sensitive and caring for the suffering on the Earth.  I have cried to hear of refugees.  I am living in smog, watching these fires affect those around me, and getting close to loved ones homes as well. We will hope for more containment.

I have problems with control around food too. I use it to "comfort eat" sometimes, seemingly when I am trying to avoid pain. Your post reminded me to be nice to myself about it. The other day I almost cried because I was going to order the less healthy item on the menu. And I realized that it's almost healthier to eat the "less healthy" food because the stress around it was worse than the food itself.

I love the way you put things into words, I relate with having that loathing thought so close, and it's hard to remember to be gentle with ourselves around some of the things that come up, but it's great it's at least on your mind. That goes to show you really care.

My therapist sometimes can't get back to me right away. But she usually always does as soon as she can. I know that feeling of waiting to hear back so I won't feel so crazy, but I relate with feeling like I am seeking to rely on me for support.. Does your T usually not respond? You are not wrong in reaching out to a T, and for wanting comfort.     I hope it gets better.

[stillhere]

Jdog, I hope you're nowhere near the fires, which do indeed look terrifying and enough to throw anyone off balance.

The state of the world does remind me that I'm relatively privileged (certainly fortunate enough not to be a Syrian refugee).  I'm trying not to react to the news by minimizing my current efforts to confront CPTSD (that response kept me from addressing issues in the past). 

Perhaps food is a way of numbing the sense of threat.  I know I go there from time to time.

[Jdog]

Thanks for the kind words, KF and SH. 

KF- regarding the question about my therapist getting back to me - she does an excellent job of responding to my emails, going way above and beyond what is expected.  Our relationship is email-based at this point, as writing is my primary way of expressing my feelings and getting a better view of my own self-talk.  This amazing outlet has guided me in ways that allow me to be much more grounded and stable in both personal and professional life.

SH- yes, food is a numbing device to help distance me from threats outside of myself.  I am working out an answer as to why events such as these affect me so strongly.  I suspect that as a youngster, I felt as though I was responsible for something terrible that happened....maybe my Dad's heart attack when I was 10?  He lived another 14 years, but I have no memory of the time around his first heart attack and that seems like a clue that I am blocking stuff out. 

Anyway, you both have provided me with comfort that goes beyond "comfort food", and I thank you most sincerely.  And now, on with the process of living in THIS day, being self compassionate, and trying to remember that I am "enough" even when I feel incapable of offering solace to those who suffer from tragedy.  At least I am available to my students, to the best of my ability.

[KayFly]

I just want to say Jdog that I admire the posts you've made here, and you may make more of a difference in the world than you know. You are so aware. And your feelings are real. It's not just everyone who is pained by the suffering on the Earth.

I'm glad your T is responsive and you seem to have a great relationship. Just don't be afraid to reach out here in the future if you feel alone. Writing helps me alot too.

Take care!

[stillhere]

Jdog, I wish you the best possible day.  And I hope the effort you're making to ground yourself gives you the strength to support others as well.  Or perhaps the process works better in reverse?

[Jdog]

Hi-

I'm totally exhausted yet my high schoolers are being sweet and easy to be around.  I'm a very lucky person, to have opportunities to both give and receive in so many ways.  I hate being triggered, but am learning how to better handle things when triggers come around.

You folks help a tremendous amount!

[Boatsetsailrose]

Jdog
I came on here just now to pretty much post just what u have shared. I read your post and I don't feel so alone and mad - thank you ..
Quote 'self loathing is never far from view ' I was thinking today I would be wise to get out my notes from t and access this website http://www.compassionatemind.co.uk/resources/training_materials.htm

I have been 'watching ' my thoughts today - they range from 'I'm not good enough ' 'I'm not intelligent enough ( this is common one at work ) to 'I can't cope ' 'everything is too much etc
Then I have 'the dread' breathing rapidly and in fear ..
Today I sat in the nursing office and did some breathing exercises I asked myself 'what do I need ' what came was 'I am alright from deep inside of me -
This felt self compassionate -
I lack this naturally as I'm sure we all do - my mind doesn't work that way and so I need to develop a good system inside of me to counteract
It feels good to write tonight
I get so scared and overwhelmed of the world and I do indeed feel like a vulnerable child as p walker describes
I too have used food for a long time ( since early childhood )
I am now in recovery and have 5 moths abstinence and 40lb weight loss - living without the comfort of food is much more manageable as really it stopped working towards the end - there is hope ! I found sugar a definite antagoniser of my nervous system and moods -
There are 12 step programmes for food if u felt u wanted to explore Look on the Internet for your area meetings
Quote ' the idea is to become my own anchor '
Yes I like that - I feel it definitely takes action and consistency of the things that work but I do feel hopeful .. It isn't natural to me to self soothe - when I am 'in it' I feel like I'm drowning
But I know I can build up my psychological and emotional skills -
I do feel I have better control over my mind - although there is obviously room to improve ..
That's another bit of the puzzle I can so easily become perfectionist and driven with this stuff - to the point where I collapse and feel overwhelmed -
I'm still on anti depress ( although have just reduced a bit ) and I do feel sedated and have headache - concentration is a problem
Easy dies it but do it  compassionately

[Boatsetsailrose]

Ps I am a sensitive person - I mean it surely is natural from the kind of environments we grew up in

[Jdog]

BSR-

As always I appreciate your contributions here.  I admire your 40 pound weight loss!  I do attend Weight Watchers and lost about that much a few years ago, and now I do my best to maintain the loss (save the occasional food-numbing referenced earlier).  It is truly a lifetime journey, learning how to be in our own skin.  Being very active does help me stay fit, but I can always out-eat my calories burned.  Even running a marathon only uses up about an extra day's worth of calories, and many folks (me too, occasionally) can make that up really quickly.

So, the challenges remain. I appreciate your bringing up the point that just facing issues is easier than eating your feelings as that has limited effectiveness.  Something to keep in mind, for sure!

Take care and keep up the good self exploration, self talk, and soothing.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yes I have found - ' easier with the right support ' -for me it isn't about the weight so much ( although over joyed to not be fat anymore ) as the addiction I had to food - using it as a drug
I couldn't do it without the support I have - the problem centres in my mind just like cptsd - and the solution has spiritual elements to it which suit me down to the ground and back

I have found it amazing that with the right support I can achieve a lot
Recently worked with a child trauma t she was blooming great

Thanks j dog
Emotional eating seems very common for a lot of people hey ! It's painful though and I wouldn't want to go back to it in a million yrs -
It erodes - self esteem ( although I've learnt that part of the problem to begin with
Self worth
Sanity
Honesty
being present for life
Growth and opportunities
And a sense of aliveness
So id say learn what u can about addictive eating on both the physical level and the mental / emotional and how it can be over come

[Jdog]

Thanks for sharing such personal things, and I shall certainly keep exploring!  Just had a nice email exchange with my therapist in which she encouraged me to remember that just as I was not responsible for my Father's health problems neither was I responsible for how he felt or acted toward me. Much of my childhood remains a mystery to me...but the layers will come off as I am able to cope with things.

Thanks once more.