what if you don't *remember*?

[joyful]

I have no memory of sa in my childhood, but I do remember sexual trauma sometime between 4 and 7(I don't know if that's a thing but I don't know what else to call it) when I read about effects of sa I can check off many of them in myself. This is so hard to talk about but I don't know where else to go. I also read something I forget where but it was about abusers and it said overly protective, limiting of relationships with opposite sex, isolated and secretive, jealous of other family members (which also ALL fit. To well)
Can someone help me? Am I totally off?

[Dee]

I'm not sure of the difference between sexual trauma and sexual abuse.  However, I think a therapist is best able to help you explore what may or may not be accurate.  I remember, sometimes I wish I didn't.  At least I know why I am the way I am.  I know people uncover memories in therapy or when triggered.  I often wonder if there is more and one day it will hit me, but so far no.

[Three Roses]

If you are thinking/feeling that you were abused at some time in your life, i would definitely listen to that inner voice.

Legally, csa can be a broad term describing "offenses in which an adult engages in sexual activity with a minor or exploits a minor for the purpose of sexual gratification." (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_sexual_abuse)

however, i would suggest that you not try to uncover memories without a safe and supportive therapist. the sudden reawakening of memories can be very upsetting, and can throw a person into feeling that the abuse is not in the past, but the present. http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/trusting-your-memories-of-sexual-abuse says it this way:

WHAT WE KNOW ABOUT TRAUMATIC MEMORIES:

People forget traumatic incidents.
People have trauma related reactions without any memory of what happened.
Traumatic memories can emerge a long time after the traumatic event took place, often so intensely it may feel as if it is happening in the present. (bolding mine)
Recovered memories of sexual abuse are valid even if all the details aren't precisely accurate.
Implicit memories – those of smell, taste, sound, touch, body sensations and feelings – are the most accurate, much more accurate than declarative memories – memories about the concrete details.

YOU CAN TRUST YOUR MEMORIES
What all of this means is that you can trust your inner knowledge, feelings, body memories, and visual memories to tell you the truth. Perhaps not an accurate, detailed record of what happened, but still the truth.

While it's very painful to face sexual abuse, it can also be very liberating. Give yourself the opportunity to feel better about yourself by believing in your own memories. You deserve to believe in yourself.

And, you're correct about the symptoms that abusers exhibit:

Consider the possibility of sexual abuse when the PARENT OR OTHER CARETAKER:

●      Is unduly protective of the child or severely limits the child's contact with other children, especially of the opposite sex

●      Is secretive and isolated

●      Is jealous or controlling with family members
https://sites.google.com/a/state.co.us/cdhs-dcw/home/frequently-asked-questions/frequently-asked-questions-about-the-new-colorado-child-abuse-and-neglect-hotline

no matter what you decide, whether to pursue it or not, or enter therapy or not, please know that you don't have to remember it until you're ready. it doesn't alter the fact that you've been affected by something, somewhere. I believe you and i trust your instincts. that "gut feeling" we get is usually spot-on, in my opinion.

Take care of you! you're worth it

[sanmagic7]

joyful, first i want to acknowledge your bravery in speaking of it, getting it out of yourself.  often that is a first step, and a huge one at times. 

second, sexual abuse can come in many forms, including being exposed to sexual situations inappropriately.  when i was counseling battered women, someone told me about her nephew who would be taken by his father to see porn w/ other men when this child was 4.  that is a form of sexual abuse, and i would consider it traumatic for that little boy.   unfortunately, she wouldn't give me any details or i would have reported it.

and, third, i agree that this subject has to be taken seriously, and you would probably be best served by exploring it further in a safe environment, such as with a therapist, but only at a pace comfortable for you.  sexual abuse/trauma can be a minefield of realizations, emotions, and thoughts, especially if you're not quite remembering details as yet.   and maybe you never will.  that doesn't matter.  i believe that if you can feel it, it's real, in some way, shape, or form.

most of all, be gentle with yourself, patient and kind.  you deserve all of that. 

[joyful]

Thank you all for your responses. It seems like the more of read about it, the more I'm able to put words to myself I guess. ThreeRoses those articles were very helpful. This sounds stupid, but thank you for not just telling me I'm being dramatic or making it up. I talked to someone who has this same trauma (along with others) who is much farther in recovery than me and she said that she could see signs in me my family.
It's almost like I always knew something wasn't right I just didn't know what...
Anyway. I'll stop rambling now.

[sanmagic7]

awww, you're not rambling.  it's good to be able to get this gunk out.  the more i've written about things, the more clarity and realizations i've gotten.  and, that's always been a good thing for me.  i hope it is for you as well.  big hug.