Honestly, how do people function?

[writetolife]

This is probably one part rant and one part honest question.

How is a person supposed to have a life between the flashbacks and the dissociation and the nightmares and the wonky feelings and the fear and the difficulty sleeping?   Is there even a life in between it?

I'm so frustrated.  I'm trying to work 18 hrs per week (which I know is a lot less than some of you), prepare to present at a conference next week, get a grad school application ready, teach Sunday school, do misc church stuff, take care of home responsibilities, and not maim the narcissist I live with. 

I love my dad.  I really do.  But he and my mom were gone on vacation for three days and it was my first ever taste of what its like to live without him.  And now I'm a bit hard broken that it's gone.  For three days I didn't feel like I had to hide in my own house.  After I got over the "oh my goodness, he's gonna jump out of the bushes at any moment" stage, it was so nice to be able to talk freely and get things done without trying to avoid painful or controversial one-sided conversations with him.  Even though I was stupidly busy, it all seemed a bit more manageable.

And now I'm back to real life.  Busy and constantly on alert for danger. 

I'm sorry I lost the question in this post. 

Any suggestions, since moving isn't actually an option right now (I'm praying for in the fall.)?

How do you make the time management thing work?
How do you manage to both protect your mental health and still get stuff done. 

Thanks.   

[radical]

From my experience, the best way to manage is to be kind to yourself.  don't give into the temptation to judge yourself as if the things you have to deal with aren't really there, but congratulate yourself for coping with incredibly difficult internal and external circumstances.  You do deserve every pat on the back and an small kindness and respite you can find, a bath, a walk somewhere beautiful, listening to music that soothes you - whenever and wherever you are able.

I had a friend who was in the final stages of multiple sclerosis, in a wheelchair, severely and visibly physically disabled.  But it infuriated her that people didn't expect anything of her, were so preoccupied by her disability that they couldn't see her and her many talents and abilities.  Therefore, she often found people overly solicitous and over-eager to try and help her with things she'd long since found ways to manage herself.  Some people wanted to tell her how much they admired her for doing things that she didn't actually find very difficult. She found it all patronising.  Her life was tough but she was resourceful and talented.

The problem with invisible hardship and barriers is that we get unfairly judged because people can't understand that there is anything stopping us from living normally.  We get judged harshly, and misunderstood by people who think what we really need is to pull our finger out and get on with it.  it's important (for me anyway)to not buy into the judgments of people who don't understand but think they do.  I know what I'm dealing with, and very few others have much of an idea.  So i need to give myself praise, when i climb a mountain no-one else can see, I need to give myself a break when I've done the best I can and I can't do any more.

In amongst the struggle, are moments in which I can appreciate beauty and humour, and meaningfulness.  I would miss these moments if i was determinedly beating myself up, and believing that only doing and being more than i can achieve right now is good enough.  Living in the moment as much as is humanly possible is important for me.

I believe things will get much better for you in so many ways.  hang on. Self compassion and finding and valuing some small pleasures and compensations get me through  I thought this article had some of the best advice I'd seen about coping with impossible people.  I hope you time apart has given you a nice taste of what a future in which you don't have to manage living with your father. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201205/the-high-art-handling-problem-people?collection=1094759

[sanmagic7]

 one foot in front of the other, one step at a time, one minute, one hour, one day - this, too, shall pass. 

i know that sounds trite, but it's gotten me through a lot.  many days my prayer is 'just help me get thru this day'.  so far, i've made it to today.

[89abc123]

I highly highly recommend the spartan life coach 'manage emotional flashbacks' book and his new course 'how to manage contact with a narcissist'. I know it's stressful and another thing to add on to your list, but if you can find the time to do the exercises daily they really really do work! But you have to be strict, no skipping any days!

I know it's easy for me to say because I'm not in your situation, but the sooner you can get out of the same house as your dad the better. There's only so much healing you can do when you are still in your abusive environment.

[Merocor]

Hey there!

For me, I lived with my emotionally abusive mother for three years by myself as a teen. It was just the two of us, and thanks to a very bitter divorce between her and my dad, it sunk her into a deep, deep depression, requiring me to run errands for her and 'prove' I care for her.

While it may not have been healthy, I survived those three years through video games. I had to sit through the nagging still, but the games gave me a release. Maybe picking up a hobby would help? Whether it be video games, YouTube videos, some forms of entertainment.

If you can get out, do it. But until you can, finding that escape when you can may help your sanity.

[Sienna]

Hey Meseaut (hope i spelt your name right)..

I havent read through the other replies to your post but just wanted to write this:

How is a person supposed to have a life between the flashbacks and the dissociation and the nightmares and the wonky feelings and the fear and the difficulty sleeping?   Is there even a life in between it?

I know what you are saying. I do think that taking time out is the thing to do..but possible issues with self care and not having the time are issues here.

It sounds like you have a lot going on, and a lot of stress.
I think that all of that is stressful for anyone, let alone having Cptsd on top of it.

I'm trying to work 18 hrs per week (which I know is a lot less than some of you),

You live with a narcissist- exhausting!! And- you are dealign with flashbacks etc. so thats huge.
everyones symptoms are ..different..they vary i guess...and everyones life is different.
Living with a stable partner who is nice to you is hard when you have Cptsd.
You are living with a narcissist. It sounds like there is no comedown for you.

It is exhausting being constantly stressed and on alert for danger.

I do struggle with getting things done. Im not making *excuses*-the Cptsd symptoms DO get in the way and have effected my entire life. I always thought it was *me*.
So, at the moment, I'm not sure. My T thinks that the stress will go down when i have my own place.
One weekend when everyone was out of the house...i was less stressed, but  i strangely didnt know what to do with myself, though this is common.
There is an adjustment period of uncomfortableness for me- unfamiliarity- numbness..as crisis keeps me feeling alive...(in a way)..which is quite normal when you are so used to living with such stress.
I find that after the period of not knowing hat to do with yourself, you get used to the calm.
I hope you can find some time for yourself, you sound to me like you definitely need and deserve it.
Im sorry i don't have any strategies...

[Eyessoblue]

Hi
I'm very similar to you, I found I had no choice but to give my career up and just concentrate on 'me' probably for the first time ever!
I had regular counselling and did loads of reading, I found mindfulness breathing/meditating very helpful and also found writing/journaling really helpful as I was able to write about my day almost like a diary, if I had bad dreams I would write about them and try and work out what they were connected to, the journaling about my day/mood etc was the most beneficial thing for me to do and I still do that now daily even if I haven't had flashbacks etc, not sure it works for everyone but has definitely worked for me.

[writetolife]

Thank you all so much for the kind and helpful replies. 

I'm very similar to you, I found I had no choice but to give my career up and just concentrate on 'me' probably for the first time ever!

That's awesome.  That takes so much courage. 

There is an adjustment period of uncomfortableness for me- unfamiliarity- numbness..as crisis keeps me feeling alive...(in a way)..which is quite normal when you are so used to living with such stress.

Dude, you just described my life.  I thought it was just me.  For a very long time, I thought I just always had to create drama, but then I figured out that between living in an abusive home and with someone with a chronic illness that resulted in spontaneous trips to the ER, my homeostasis might have been a bit wonky. 

From my experience, the best way to manage is to be kind to yourself.  don't give into the temptation to judge yourself as if the things you have to deal with aren't really there, but congratulate yourself for coping with incredibly difficult internal and external circumstances.

Thank you for that reminder, Radical.  I needed that, especially this morning. 

[SaraDurga]

One day at a time.

Reading your post made me think of myself when I was younger. In my case it was my mom who was the person with the PD, though I didn't know it at the time, and was still thinking I was to blame, she was okay, etc. I actually moved out for my undergrad just to get away from her, but it wasn't far enough. I didn't do grad school right away but I'm doing it now, 14 years after I did my undergrad - it was too much at that time when I was still living with her.

I think you're ahead of the game - at least, farther along than I was at what sounds like the same point in time - so keep going. Work on you. Take care of you. Plan for a life away from the people who are hurting you. I wish I had done more of that back then... but I didn't know. Or, I was focused on what I had to do to survive, with what I had.

Best of luck to you.

[Sienna]

Writetolife,

Dude, you just described my life.  I thought it was just me.  For a very long time, I thought I just always had to create drama, but then I figured out that between living in an abusive home and with someone with a chronic illness that resulted in spontaneous trips to the ER, my homeostasis might have been a bit wonky. 

Im glad you know now that others experience this too. I thought i was the only one too and that there was something wrong with me. It was such a relief when i found out that this is *normal*.
Living in a hypervigelant state, during the abuse, which causes the body to produce more cortisol, we end up with over production of cortisol even when we have left the abusive environment, its a biological thing that we can not help.
And all that adrenalin and cortisol that is still being produced causes our brains to need a reason as to why we feel so jittery, restless, edgy, anxious.
So our brains come up with reasons to match our bodies cortisol response, as mind and body are connected. (I learned this from my T).
Our minds and bodies through no fault of our own, are still in fight or flight response, cant distinguish between past and present, and is doing it as it believes it is protecting us.
Being reminded thought flashbacks of the traumas undergone, would of course create stress hormones (cortisol).
If you know this already...sorry. Just wanted to share as it might help explain the reasons.
ps. Just like the reasons we can attract abuseive others after we have left childhood,  drama and cayos are also all we know...it is *home* to us if thats what our childhood *home* was, therefore we don't know how to live with out it, plus the fear the something bad will happen.