ThreeTrees' Journal

[ThreeThrees]

Hi there, I am brand new here, just found out I have C-PTSD. And I am very glad to have found this forum.

My father was diagnosed with advanced cancer a little more than one month ago, and is dying, which triggered my anxiety and a lot of flash backs. I was there with him for almost one whole month during his diagnosis journey. It feels like * to be around him, and I was angry inside and sometimes let such emotions run loose and feel guilt afterwards. I have sister who lives close to him (I escaped to another continent a few years ago) but doesn't want to around him either. My mother died when I was 7 yo and sister 3 yo. My father tried a few relationships after my mother's death, but nothing worked out. Since as far back as I can remember, he has been emitting the depressive, irritating and anxious energy out. He thinks he had a hard life and is entitled to lash out on me and my sister. My sister rebelled and won when she just enters 20s. I, instead, as the promising child, the extension of his ego, worked very hard to excel academically, obtained myself a chance to study abroad and then stayed abroad. I am glad I have kept a far enough physical distance, but deep inside, I feel empty and feel entangled with my father's needs, expectations, attitude and even energy. He has been totally financially dependent on me since 9 years ago. He has no income and no pension of any kind. I send back money regularly to keep him living a comfortable life. But it seems what I am doing is not enough, he still lashed out on me when I was there paying him a visit once in a year also. One day in 2014, on a holiday, after he lost his temper and finished his rage and threated me with his suicide, the angry tiger inside me was fully awaken. Ever since, whenever I think about him, I feel angry, sad and explored. Deep inside, I know I still care about him. But I cannot be living under his shadow any more. I am mourning a lot recently, for my lost childhood, my many years of stressful and lonely academic years , for the father that I wish I had had, for my inner little girl that has suffered severe neglect from very young until now. I was and am my own parent for so many years, I have learned many things by myself, but yet, I have never learned to love myself first. As far back as I can remember, I was the only hope of our family. I was expected to take care of my already emotionally ruined father by my extended family. Such a burden has turned me into an adult way before the supposed age.

I will come here to mourn, to release my real feelings, to calm down, and to rationalize. I hope you won't mind.

[jdcooper]

Welcome ThreeTrees

It sounds like your father may have a personality disorder.   It must be difficult to still be enmeshed in his life while you are coming to awareness of your lost childhood and your feelings are surfacing.  What a difficult burden you must carry to take care of him financially after all he has put you through. 

I also worked very hard to excel academically, unfortunately not in a way that was true to myself but rather just trying to achieve the next step on the ladder.

I hope you can get some kind of relief by posting here.  It has been very helpful to me.