struggling with food

[Dee]

I've done well with fighting SI and self harm.  As I have let myself eat I can't seem to find the off button.  This has led to two nights of binging and purging; a new behavior for me.  Sucks, darn chocolate. 

My goal is a get, yet again, a new dietician this week and I am going to try my best to be honest.

[Blueberry]

Hey Dee,
I struggle with food, too. I applaud your honesty. Really, you're doing great. Since you got back from your inpatient treatment you seem to see that as part of your healing. You know best. So I'm just giving you a digital pat on the back for that. I hope it's OK for me to do that.

After inpatient treatment I sometimes came up with unhealthy new management skills I hadn't otherwise had.    I found it easier to leave off addictive and self-destructive habits/thoughts when in inpatient treatment than at home. You are doing well with fighting SI and self harm, you say so.  Feelings/memories/something are still looking for an outlet.

Be kind to and understanding of yourself. All the best.

[sanmagic7]

yes, dee, you are now in a different environment, and i believe your coping mechanisms will be different as well.  it still sounds like body image issues are there, since you're still not nourishing yourself effectively.

the whole body image issue is so great, so overwhelming, so insidiously omnipresent everywhere we look that it's really difficult to not compare ourselves to what's being projected on a screen or in a picture.  one thing that might help is that these people are not only expected and paid to look a certain way, they have professionals, harmful habits (such as cigs., meth, heroin, starvation and bingeing/purging), and air-brushing/photoshop techniques) that keep them looking the way they look to us.

they are not real.  they do not live in a real world, and the image they show of bodies is not real, either.  they are not healthy, and i'm sure you've heard of many deaths because of the habits they've utilized in order to look a certain way.  they are not natural.  they're bodies are distorted by implants, surgeries, too much exercise (a form of bulimia) in order to maintain the goal of image, not health.

i know you're doing what you can the best you can right now.  be patient with yourself.  one of your goals will eventually be to eat healthy, eat to maintain the health of your body and brain, and pick and choose foods that give you an all-round healthy diet with a healthy amount of calories.  it will take time, dear dee.  you've made a great first leap into this.  give yourself credit.  i admire you for what you've already done.

best to you, dee.  all credit to you.  keeping it real will, i think, be your best bet in the battle you're waging.   love, and hugs.  i have faith in you.

[Wife#2]

Dee,

Remember, this is just having a bad space of time. This is not, REPEAT NOT, any indication of who you are as a person. YOU are still a terrific mother with a group of people around you who love you, respect you and want ONLY the best for you. YOU are still deserving of that self-love and of that realistically high valuation of yourself as a person.

I'm struggling with finding a healthy alternative when the hole I want to fill isn't really in my stomach. I'm learning to identify the emotional hole and refuse it the comfort food it wants to cram in there. I can have the comfort food when it's to lift my mood a little, not when it's wanting to blanket some emotion.

It's so hard when the tool we use is also something we must have to survive. It's like needing a rake and being handed a hoe and a shovel. All useful tools, but used at the wrong time and in the wrong way they can be harmful. We can make do. It's not as simple and we're always aware that raking leaves with a shovel is much harder than a rake, but we must work with what we have.

Enough analogies - you know what you're going through. I wanted to say that I hear you. That I'm so sorry that you had some bad moments. AND that I know you will find your way. You are smart enough, diligent enough and WORTH IT.

Maybe you can make yourself (and your kids, make it a family health activity) a chart of what you want and need to eat each day. Check it off as that is consumed. Leave yourself room for a treat at the end of the day for doing well (can be going out to a movie or time to read your favorite book - doesn't have to be a food treat). Hold your children accountable, because you love them and want them to be healthy. Ask them to hold you accountable - only regarding the diet because they are still your children. No punishment allowed for straying, that defeats the whole point. If someone strays, pat them on the back, let them know that falling off the 'wagon' is to be expected from time to time, but health can be found in the number of times we climb back on that wagon. Then, commit to each other to try again tomorrow.

I'm sorry, I'm trying to 'fix' your problem again. That's not my place. My place is to be here and give you a cyber hug and tell you that I care very much about you. To tell you that the world didn't stop for a mistake. To tell you that I get it. I hear you. You matter. And, as strong a survivor as you are, you will survive this as well. 

[Three Roses]

Dee - you got this! 

[Dee]

All, I really do appreciate the advice.  I told my therapist today and we discussed the stressful weekend surrounding my sister's birthday and my first week back.  I'll see my new dietician to help prevent relapsing with old behaviors and help keep out new behaviors.  I'm not happy with what I did, that is good.  I'll do the work.  I've got this as long as I keep large amounts of chocolate out of the house.  My number one food and what I denied for all the anorexic years.  Everything in moderation.  I also know it is about chocolate 

Thank you all for your support!!!!

[Wife#2]

HUGS - I know you've got this. You amazingly strong, beautiful, intelligent, kind woman. Step by step, this will be under your control and another facet of healing well underway. HUGS to you!

[Contessa]

Dee, you are doing a lot and are making many changes in your life simultaneously.

You are doing so well at this in the first place, better than most, even those without any form of trauma.

I'm very proud at what you have achieved and will continue to master bit by bit. Once you have one thing well and truly in the bag, on to the next.

It sounds like once the management of SI and self harm (no minor feats) have reached maintenance mode, food will be next.

Keep it up Dee, you are the master