Emotional Flashback.. I guess **POSSIBLE TRIGGERS**

[Twinkletoes]

Hi all,

This is the first time of feeling like this that I've known what I am feeling is an emotional flashback.  I guess knowing that helps in a way, at least it prevents me from being too horrible to myself. 

I don't know what happened. I woke up for work Monday morning, got showered etc. I thought to myself how I would like to have stayed in bed. Who doesn't on a Monday I guess. By the time OH got up, I was clearly irritable. I could feel this rage coming over me (I very seldom get angry). I felt like I could tear apart the house, or break down in tears, one way or another. I told OH I needed to work from home. He asked why and I said I can't really explain, I just feel really down.

Fast-forward a little while, I wrote my T an email to tell her how I was feeing and broke down in sobs. I wrote that I wasn't sure why I was crying, why I felt so desperately sad but that I felt like I would never stop. She kindly emailed me back a while later to say she felt perhaps my feelings were only just catching up with some painful memories I had discussed last week. Later yesterday I cried another few times. 

I then woke up today, decided to stay home again. Felt bad for this but knew I couldn't handle the outside world yet today. I was having breakfast with OH who made a joke about something and with that, I totally broke down again. I couldn't say what I was crying about, but I was, again, sobbing a lot. It was so hard.

Since he left for work, I laid in bed, where I again cried I felt very sad. I read a quote thing and it seemed so relevant for me.  It said "She says she's fine, but she's going insane.  She say's she feels good, but she's in a lot of pain. She says it's nothing, but it's really a lot". Made me cry my eyeballs out.

I just feel so silly. I can't understand where it has all come from. I'm not totally sure of my trigger. Luckily its therapy night tonight, maybe the feelings have come in time for that - although I doubt it as I usually turn up there ready to deal with all my feelings and then dissociate.

God its exhausting.

[Three Roses]

It's so baffling at times. And we've been taught that our feelings always have to have a reason, a justification. "What are you crying about?" or "You don't have it so bad" are common invalidating statements in our society.

Well, I'm here to tell you that your sadness is real! And I'm so glad you stayed home instead of putting a fake brave face on and going about business as usual!

I do agree with your T, that it is quite possibly a sort of emotional hangover from talking about things, and quite possibly your subconscious timed it so you'd be close to another session and not have to wait so long for help.

Good on you!

[Twinkletoes]

Thank you so much for replying. It is so nice to have a response when you've written something so emotional.

I do wonder whether I've timed it that way, that would be clever!

Thing is, I struggle to "get in touch" with my emotions during sessions. It only seems to hit me when I am home alone, It is annoying because when I am "in it" like yesterday and this morning, I wish I were there. I've been nervous and glad to be going tonight in equal measures. It winds me up really bad when I go there and when I see there is only a few minutes left of my session and I am totally dry eyed.

Do you ever have that problem? Clearly I dissociate a lot - it is infuriating. x

[Fightsong]

How long have you been having therapy for?  It sound like you feel like getting it out in your session might be more productive,  but it might not always be so. Getting it out at all is a good step. Talk to your therapist about it. You said you brought up some difficult memories last session - that sounds like progress  -  not a 50 minute blank, dry, unemotional waste of time. And usually dry eyes here too.

[Eyessoblue]

Hi
I'm the same! I sit in my therapy sessions chatting away about things that have happened to me, very matter of fact  as if I was talking about a film I'd just seen or a book I just read, I show no signs of emotion at all, but within about five minutes of leaving the session my emotions are all over the place, I want to shout scream rage and cry but feel like I can't do any of it, I never sleep the night of a therapy session and lay in bed with a thousand thoughts going around my head trying to piece everything together then I feel very on edge for the next few days still trying to understand what has happened and how it's making me feel. Then next therapy session I try and explain it but yet again I don't identify it as being me so again don't feel anything until I leave and then it starts all over again. I'm really hoping I can get in tune with it all and start to feel better and more with it. I find it very frustrating!

[Twinkletoes]

Hi Fightsong, I've been in therapy for 2 years now. I totally understand what you mean and I do agree, the thing is, T thinks that it would be really helpful for me to have someone "sit with me" and "hold" me when crying as I was never allowed to cry when I was a child.  I want to be able to, it seems that my mum even managed to steal that from me. But you are right, it isn't a dry session at least. Thank you.

Eyesoblue, thank you for your message. It sounds like you understand how I feel really well. My T says the exact same thing, that I sit there talking about stuff that has happened to me (which is awful apparently) with no feeling attached. I 100% understand your frustration, mine never comes as instantly as yours, sometimes its the next day or a few days later and sometimes not at all.  Funnily enough, I was so upset the last 2 days that I cried whilst in the car outside T's last night and so I went in immediately crying, I then cried the whole session which is VERY rare for me. She told me to feel proud of myself for allowing myself to cry and feel the pain. I even recognised some anger which I've never done before, not in 2 years. So there is progress, the problem is, the pain and amount of emotional overload felt like it totally took over, and it is scary.  She told me that I should get better at accessing the feelings more regularly and less intensely as I get more able to "feel" things.. here's to hoping.

Keep going, I know the frustration I really do. I will be back to dry eyes again after last night I am sure, then in about 2 months this will happen again and totally floor me.  MEHH x

[Sienna]

Twinkletoes, 
Im sorry things are really hard and exhausting right now.

Im not sure what OH is..it could be that (he?) ..triggered you..and maybe it was about that, or as your T said, maybe it was about therapy- but your OH brought up a trigger which unleashed all this emotion from the session that might have been inside you that you might have been unaware of.

I think that you did the right thing by staying home- something for you.

Im wondering if it is your inner child who is angry and sad, and who cant put a name to the feelings. These explosions might be you...but i know that if it happens with me, its another disassociated part of me that i don't recognise coming forward. It feels so...foreign to me, so *not me*.

Maybe that part of you who is angry and sad, is reacting to other things- other triggers, such as what you read. Maybe *normal you* might not cry at things like that, but maybe this other part or your inner child...is *out, here, present*...so things might touch her that don't touch *you* when she is put away.

I totally relate to feeling confused, and silly.
I hope therapy went well, and yes, its hard. I relate to what you say.
Trust can be a factor in disassociating in session..and having to keep things in growing up, makes us stuck in these patterns- even with out Therapists= out automatically, beyond control, holding emotions off, so much that we don't even feel the emotions *ourselves*.
I hope you will be able to emote in time.