Routine

[Butterfly66]

Hello

I'm pretty new to this and posting on a forum.  I sometimes feel I have the need to talk but don't know what to talk about.

Here goes,  I realise that I have spent my entire life just pushing myself to do things,to take huge steps forward and move on and do things. ( to avoid and not acknowledge fear).   I crash stay under for a while then push myself to get back up again and the cycle begins again.

I had been taking steps, had volunteered, then increased my volunteering, doing something everyday during the day, and 5 days out of the 7 nights, so difficult to put this into words, I started adult trampolining class, went to dance class, did co-counselling, bio meditation 2 or 3 times a week in the evening and co-counselling. Underneath I was not meeting my emotional and even basic needs, eating properly, washing clothes, ironing etc.  I had been moving forward but was just pushing myself.

About a month ago, I had a triggering event  which led me the next day to feel in shock/denial like I had been abused, I then over the days following felt strong emotions of grief, disbelief, etc, after about a week I realised the trigger was that I had felt like I was in an impossible situation (trapped) feeling like I was unable to escape.  A double bind.  I won't go into the details but the co-counselling was a big support for me and when looking it it realistically was not providing the support for me and the impossible situation that had arisen could not be talked about and resolved.  I realised that I could escape and made the decision a couple of weeks later to leave.  During this time I have gone into a deep process, gone back to an original trauma response, isolating, not being able to carry out activities unless I pushed myself and even some days I could not even do them if I pushed myself.

With homeopathic remedies, I then had a huge emotional connection to trauma, I had a serious attempt on taking my life about 10 years ago, there I have shared it, I never emotionally connected to this and hence I then felt such strong emotions, how could I get through this, it was self abuse of the most serious kind, how could I forgive myself. 

So I have stopped pushing and just been doing the bare minimum, asking myself what I need, most of the time it has been I want to be held, so I have just held, loved and caressed myself with a blanket around me,ma hot water bottle and held a teddy.  Something inside would arise where I would write, colour in or just draw things with felt tip pens.  It takes me to early afternoon to get into a space of feeling like I can do something, even if just having a shower or having food.

I heard someone on a video who had CPTSD said that they did not have a comfort zone.  This  really resonated with me.  This morning it came to me maybe start to create a basic structure routine, a comfort zone.  So I have drawn out what that would look like, getting out of bed, shower, food, activities am (work/fun/ exercise) not put in any specifics, then lunch, then activities again, then dinner, then fun/rest/social/exercise) then bed.  My morning routine and evening routine  includes, cuddles with myself, self caress and and saying I love you. 

Seams a long journey to get there, a direction not a goal.  I am looking at real tiny baby steps along the way, my baby steps today are to get out of bed and not get back into bed until bedtime, to lie on the bed not get back into bed if I am giving myself cuddles or love,  to do some writing, art activities which I have been doing and anything else I feel pulled to do today.  It's a step for me of stopping pushing myself and starting a road of baby steps.  A new way of being, small changes.  It seems such a small baby step but I feel proud of myself for stopping pushing.  I so want to push and get out there and do things. 

Has anyone else gone from pushing to allowing and starting a journey of baby steps?  Thank you for listening for allowing me to share, it all wants to come out.

[Butterfly66]

Since posting above, got this cringing feeling in my shoulders, the urge to get in bed under the covers and hide.  I am feeling ashamed, of where I am in my pjs in the uk its lunch time, at not being able to get out there like others, at sharing, so much shame.  Just written and journaled about this shame.

Any thoughts on shame?  Anyone read Brene Brown on shame where she says to to share it with a trusted who will empathise, that's okay if you have a network of trusted others.  I need some empathy to stop the shame spiral, possibly understanding as well.  Anyone out there able to provide some?   Wow I have identified a need and asked for it direct to be fulfilled.  Makes me feel vulnerable.

[Three Roses]

    

Boy, have you come to the right place! Every single word of both your posts really resonated with me.

For me, just being honest with myself, and realizing my inner child/children need to feel safe has been key. Right now I am re-reading Pete Walker's book on CPTSD, "From Surviving To Thriving" - I am getting a deeper understanding out of it than the first reading.

You don't have to feel ashamed! It's ok to be yourself here, to be honest about your feelings and struggles, because we're in the same boat. We'll be here, standing with you, as you navigate your healing journey.

Thanks for having the courage to speak out!

[Butterfly66]

Thank you Three Roses, wow every single word resonated with you!

I feel that you understand, I feel understood 

A huge thank you

[sanmagic7]

several times i have taken those steps to put myself out there on this forum, and the shame and vulnerability seemed almost overwhelming.  i applaud you for your courage to do this, butterfly 66.  it is scary as all get out, and shows your warrior spirit.

i can relate to the 'pushing' to keep doing things that i thought were making me move forward.  when i stop to look at it now, in hindsight, i was really battling everyone and everything all the time trying to get to my real, true self and being.  it wasn't until i stopped the battle and just allowed me to be me that i began to make some real progress.

it wasn't always pretty, it was often messy, and i was sometimes a wreck while going thru it, but that may be because i was taking too many big steps too often.  i'm learning to slow myself down now, and do those baby steps.  they're not as overwhelming, and i have time to rest and regroup in between realizations and insights.  i thought i had to get it all done as quickly as possible.  it was just another piece of 'i'm not good enough the way i am', which i just realized now as i'm writing.  that almost made me tear up.

so, bravo, and yes, baby steps - they all count.  just know that you are good enough whether you're in pajamas or washing dishes or going out to lunch.  you are looking at yourself differently, from the inside out instead of the other way around.  i'm glad you're here, and thank you for sharing.  you helped me, too.

[radical]

It is so important to be able to write those things that make you feel cringing and squirming with misplaced shame.
I know how hard it is.  Kudos, Butterfly.  Know that doing so helps everyone.
I'm so glad to have a safe community to do this.
Sanmagic, your unflinching honesty in writing the hard stuff, has really helped me.  I wish the machine hadn't swallowed my reply to difficult subject you were brave to raise.  I'm sure we'll get back to it if we need to.

[sanmagic7]

thanks, radical.  together is the only way to beat this crapola!