Weird experience with memories. Someone please tell me they can relate.

[writetolife]

I'm sorry I'm so on again off again with this forum. Spending too much time can actually get stressful and triggering in its own right.

So, my question.

Lately, I'm occasionally having these experiences where my mind will be wandering and bam! I get slugged with an image that I know beyond a shadow of a doubt is mine. I realize all that once I realize the following things in a big wave:  1. that I've experienced the memory before. 2. that at one time I could access it any point and have accessed it before. 3. For some untold period of time since then,  I seem to have lost the awareness that it existed. 4 I can access it at will, but it's colored by the events that surrounded remembering it again. 

I know that probably sound weird. It definitely feels weird. Today I had that happen, but with such vividness that I could practically feel the fabrics that I was in contact with; I could feel so much fear and remembered little bits of what surrounded the memory.

Please tell me someone else has experienced this. It's five days until I see my therapist again, and I really want someone to tell me I'm not crazy.

[Libby12]

Hi writeoflife.

One thing I am absolutely sure of is that you are not crazy.   I am absolutely no expert but could this a form of emotional flashback? 

When I started looking into c-ptsd, I related to almost everything except that I didn't think I had EFs.   But the more I read, the more I realised that EFs seem to be "slippery"  in nature.  They take very many forms and then on top of that,  everyone has their own individual way of describing them.  After all, describing a feeling is so difficult.   You seem to have described your experience really well, and I really get what you are saying about current events colouring the memory of previous experiences.  I think all memories are experienced a little differently each time because of new experiences adding to/altering them a little.  In fact,  that really is the crux of c-ptsd.   The layers of trauma that build up and each layer affects the next. I think that makes a bit of sense.

So please don't worry,  I am positive you are not going crazy and I would be really interested to hear how you get on in your next meeting with your therapist.  Getting to grips with this horrid injury is helped so much by sharing,  so thank you.

All the best,

Libby.

[Liminality]

You're not crazy. It's a "normal"/invasive/sensory flashback, meaning it includes visuals and other sensory input as well as an emotional charge, unlike "emotional flashbacks" where you just get the emotional charge.

I experience that a lot, and not just with negative memories either. Most of the time it's actually very normal memories where nothing special happens. The process is very similar to the visual negative flashbacks I get when I'm having panic attacks, but without the emotional charge. I'll be doing my own business, often focussing very intently on something, then suddenly I'll get distracted/a little daydream-y (meaning I'll stop focussing onto whatever I'm doing at the moment, my thoughts will wander away from reality), then as you say, bam! For a split second I'll be sitting on an uncomfortable plastic chair, listening to a teacher explain how to multiply simple numbers, feeling the sticky laminated desk under my fingers and how cold the classroom is and how bored I was at the time, then bam! Back again, with a slight disoriented/displaced feeling and renewed sense of awareness of my surroundings.

No idea where it comes from, but as it's not overly problematic in my everyday life (meaning I can get back to doing whatever I was doing in no time, unlike when it's a negative flashback), to me it's not a cause of concern as long as the memory I got access to doesn't trigger a rush of negative emotions. Not sure if I'm clear here. Let me try to explain better.

Possibility 1: Wave of anxiety => negative flashback (often related to abuse) => hypervigilence => strong emotional flashback (fear, horror, pain, etc.) => panic attack.
(This is what happens when I have the "negative" kind of flashback. The ensuing emotional flashback/panic attack usually lasts at least an hour at best, several days at worst, and I get completely non-functional while it lasts.)

Possibility 2: Intently focussed on something => thoughts start to wander => neutral flashback => hypervigilence => no perceived threat => back to normal.
(This is what I was talking about earlier, the kind I don't mind so much. It's invasive, but neutral in nature so for me there's no cause for concern.)

Possibility 3: Intently focussed on something => thoughts start to wander => neutral flashback => hypervigilence => mild emotional flashback (guilt, shame, etc.) => back to normal but with a pervasive sense of dread/lack of self-worth.
(This happens when I flashback to a moment where I was unkind to someone, or did something even just mildly wrong. With that kind of memories I'll usually be able to keep doing what I'm doing, but I'll tire easily and will feel down for a while as long as the memory is "active" in my head. It sometimes can lead to waves of anxiety that can later trigger a negative flashback.)

As far as I know, I never flashback to a positive memory. I guess it's just one of the many ways trauma can hijack our brain.