just realized physical abuse?

[tea-the-artist]

*trigger warning for child physical abuse, sibling physical abuse*

I'm not sure what the delay was, but only recently did I also realize that along with being emotionally abused, I was also physically abused. I'm gonna try not to downplay it using words like "only' or "just." I got spankings as a kid, up until around middle school (so about age 11 or 12). About a month ago, I was working and had read an online friend's post about their parents hitting them so they could "be good" and that I suppose triggered an EF, really strong and intense, similar to the other ones regarding emotional abuse/abandonment, but this was scarier.

On some level I knew spanking kids is still physical abuse, but I never thought about my own life in that aspect and it really scared me. I felt like I was a kid again, I knew where I was, the apartment I grew up in, I knew what was used, who was dealing out the punishment. I believe those days were the last times my parents ever hit me.

What I also didn't realize is that my brother "hit" me as well. He always used to call it "sparring" and say that I should be used to his punches by now. Luckily they were never full blown punches, but they still hurt, even after years of it (something between 2nd grade and about a year ago... maybe earlier this year?). It's strange, I don't know why I never counted or considered these two as physical abuse, especially from my brother, whose "sparring" abuse started and continued throughout my childhood into adulthood.

I even often downplayed myself actually, played along with his "sparring" and it kind of frustrates me now that in the past I used the excuse "Well it's fun for him!" because it really explains part of my behavior, possibly anger issues (I fizz out pretty quickly or it turns into me being increasingly sadden/emotional). At one point, he said he had a babysitter who was like this with him, I'm not sure how true it is or not, but it really makes me mad and I wouldn't be surprised if much of my CPTSD is because of him (though I still acknowledge my dad's the one pulling strings and making the environment bad for everyone). I can recall maybe a couple times I asked him to stop because it hurt, but it got me no where.

Ugh, I even wonder if it was him resenting me for my Good Girl (fawn responding) role in the family. That doesn't make it OK at all, but I wouldn't be surprised if the resenting started way back then. It makes me so mad thinking clearer about this today, I don't know if I can even bring myself to speak to him. It makes me not want to care about wanting to move out and leaving him behind or however it would look to him. I shouldn't be hard on myself for realizing so late since that's normal. But still I've denied him ever being a bad person to me up until recently where I realized how he used his hurt to hurt me.

[Blueberry]

I've read your post a few times and I'm sad for you that nobody has replied. But maybe you're not bothered about that.

I've suffered physically under one brother, but it was always downplayed by the family. It wasn't 'real' and I didn't end up in hospital              so I get where you're coming from. Even if your experience was somewhat different. But it's still this physical abuse that's not really, really, really bad, not the kind of thing that ends up in the news, but still left an emotional mark, still left damage.
No, don't be hard on yourself for not realising earlier. That could even be a self-protective measure, emotionally-speaking. Especially if you were still living with FOO at the time.

If you like, then I'll send you