Dysfunction into Recovery

[Chickadee]

hello community, (minor trigger warning, past SH behavior)

finally did some research tonight on CPTSD and I'm so glad.  I've been operating under the multiple diagnoses of BPD and ADD, or course involving also major depression and panic attacks, anxiety.  Never has a diagnosis summed up all my symptoms so... nicely! as the descriptions of CPTSD.  I completely identify with the emotional flashbacks, being hypervigilant/ jumpy, anger, self-hatred, and pretty much everything else mentioned on this site...

some back story (or a lot of back story):

list form?  yes because I haven't slept and it's close to 5am.

- being separated from my parents as a newborn because my mother had Hepatitis B.  this was the first time I was shipped to my grandparents.  not breastfed, no attachment to my mother I suspect.
- at age 6, the big abandonment: my mother left for another country for 2 years for a job (long story, communist Russia, etc.) and my father worked full-time so my teenage brother and I were sent to live with my grandparents for that whole time.  the kicker: I was not told.  I don't remember how I found out.  my mother never said goodbye to me or that she was leaving.  I started school there.  numbness begins here.
- also begins here is the abuse from my brother; at this point he hits me and calls me names (you know, normal sibling stuff! ha ha.  not.)
- my grandmother is attentive but completely forbids signs of 'weakness' like crying.  hmmm..... (I am 6-8.)
- (when my mother returns and I am 8 years old, she is like a stranger to me.  I want her to like me but I don't feel any attachment.)
- no specific memories but general chaos in the family, parents always arguing.
- now I'm 9 and we are suddenly moving from a little town in Russia to a big city in Canada.  (I am told only for 3 years.  this is a lie.)  = loss, separation from grandparents who I now have come to rely on, dropping out of school, huge change)
- did I mention I was bullied all through grade school? yes.
- ok next.  this I had just figured out about a year ago.  my brother had covertly sexually abused me repeatedly and my parents didn't seem to notice.  he cuddled with me, slept in my bed sometimes, walked in on me in the bathroom, all definitely inappropriate things that I accepted as normal. 
- also around this time, when I was 11 and he was 20, he got into heroin.  and it was a downhill spiral for him and for my family from there.
- parents continued arguing about how to handle all this and I was completely forgotten because I did well in school
- parents eventually start sleeping in separate rooms (true reasons aren't shared but known)
- moving.  always moving.  longest I'd lived in one place at a time, up to date, has been 4 years and that was only one time during high school
- brother eventually begins having psychotic episodes and is diagnosed with schizophrenia, goes to jail, hospitals, tries to kill himself, all the things basically go wrong
- parents still preoccupied with brother, pay no attention to me
- at 16 I start feeling exhausted all of the time.  I'm not allowed to tell any of my friends about what we're dealing with at home.  my father is drinking heavily.  and I start crying a lot for no reason.
- so logically I impulsively shave my head one night.  it was a shock to all, including me.
- now the depression and anxiety start for me.
- eventually my parents get a divorce
- I start therapy and medication around 18 with mixed results
- I try different schools, jobs, boyfriends, haircuts.
- depression, depression, self harm, suicidal attempts
- lots of sex with strangers but not even because I like sex that much, but because I want to be loved.  by someone.  anyone.

that wasn't that long ago.  how am I in recovery today, how did I get here? 

some of the therapists were better than others.  a couple of them might have saved my life. 
some doctors listened, gave me the right meds.
the more times I ended up in emergency, the better they listened.
tattoos started to cover up the scars.
friends.  good friends are so important.
different well-wishers coming in and out of life but serving their purpose.  like teachers.  children sometimes.  neighbours or strangers.

then, once I figured out about the sexual abuse, I stumbled upon a relationship that lasted: my best guy friend turned, in a matter of months, into my fiance, and now my loving amazing hilarious husband.

I am so so lucky I can't even fully comprehend it.  the people I've managed to surround myself have saved me from myself.  they are teaching me love and wisdom and patience and kindness.  I am slowly learning.

I have panic attacks and it hasn't been that long since I last cut.  maybe only a year since my last overdose.  but the meds I'm on currently seem to be working.  I'm still exhausted all the time and I'm gaining a lot of weight now.  there is much more to do, many more places to heal.  but I'm reluctantly letting go of this idea that my parents should like me.

I hope and pray that all of us find some peace and healing every day.  thank you for reading, this feels alright.

[Three Roses]

Wow! That feeling of finally finding answers to questions is such a great feeling! I know I experienced it after finding this site. For the first time, I had a reason for the things I did and felt. Huge relief!

(I modified the heading just a bit, your post includes self-harming and some of our members here may feel too fragile to read about that, so I wanted to give them proper warning.  )

Glad you are here! 

[whole_enchilada]

I'm brand new here myself. There is a lot in your story I can relate to. Very inspired by how close relationships got better after the sexual abuse was acknowledged.  Also by your sense of humor which seems to have survived intact! 

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Chickadee! 

You've really been through a lot, but it sounds like you are on the right track!

[Chickadee]

thanks everyone, glad to be in this safe space!  glad to get a chance to vent.

sense of humour is totally underrated I think!  lucky that I've been able to poke fun at myself.

[prairiewind]

Welcome Chickadee! Glad you found us.