Zazu's Journal

[zazu]

*warning - possible triggers*

Also, no one need feel obligated to read anything I write here - it's just me trying to sort out my feelings and hopefully gain some insight and strength. It's a little embarrassing to be babbling so much.

So, how does one start a recovery journal? I don't know whether to try to describe who I am/what I know about myself or describe the problems I'm trying to recover from, first.

On one hand, it would seem more positive to establish some sort of identity, a real one outside of the one other people have projected onto me. On the other, sometimes I feel like I'm more a collection of symptoms than person. The mental health issues influence so much of how I interact with the world. At any rate, I am going to try to limit descriptions and explantations that are too distressing or exhausting. I've tried writing to sort out my feelings before, but when it comes to describing the actions of my disordered FOO and my reactions, it's absolutely exhausting and leaves me unable to go on. I've often said that it takes 5 hours to describe what a personality-disordered person can do in 5 minutes. At this point in time, I'm simply not strong enough to do that.

So, I guess I'll start with facts I know for sure. I'm a woman in her early 40's. I have a husband and children whom I love very much. I adore animals and can't even bear to harm insects. I enjoy the arts, music and books. I read all the time for information and escape. I love brand new, creative things as well as the more classical. To know that people are out there making art, music, fashion, literature, any forms of creative expression - this brings me joy. But other things are important too, like compassion and caring and trying to make the world a better place. The hope people can find some common ground and be able lift each other up. That life should not have to be the "short, nasty and brutish" thing it so often is. In this, though, I wish I could do more. I'm interested in science and spirituality both, and believe the world and the universe are full of strange and wonderful things. My favorite color is blue-violet. My favorite food is veggie.

This is how I describe myself.

The people who knew me in all the years being away from my FOO, who never met my FOO, tended to describe me (when they did) as sweet though a bit sad, helpful, somewhat quirky, a caring, well-intentioned parent, the kind of "yoga mom" who supports public television and eats a lot of granola. :p It matches fairly well with how I see myself.

The people who knew me in the years after I moved out on my own but remained in the same town and in contact with my FOO, tended to describe me as strange, fragile, strong, child-like, promiscuous, needy, a loner, cold, withdrawn. Some people thought I was super-intelligent and some thought I was very stupid. In some ways this matches  how I saw myself and in others seems very off-base.

The people who knew me in the years I was growing up with my FOO, or who primarily know me through stories from my FOO, see me as extremely unstable, violent, a liar, a thief, irresponsble, cruel, neglectful, a person too "crazy and stupid" to ever work, take care of herself or others, too unstable and irresponsible to even be taught to cook or drive a car. Later in life, I was called a drunk and drug addict, as well as a "sadistic psychopath" by my mother.

In some ways I bought this description when I was growing up, but in others it confuses me to no end. I understood as a youngster that I was in mental distress, depressed, irritable, withdrawn and without self-confidence. I did believe that I was profoundly stupid. But things like liar and thief, cruel and violent...where did these things come from? They seem to be describing someone I've never met. And I know very well that I dislike alcohol and never take drugs besides NSAIDs. But my FOO proceeds as if these things they've said are an obvious truth, an intrinsic part of me. I know this because I hear it all the time. Even trying to pass on a simple piece of information to my FOO, this comes into play. The things I say are assumed to be lies or just wrong because of my subnormal intellect, and this affects how they react.

If I am this way, then how come in all the years I was away from my FOO, I never had this reputation, no one ever said this about me? How come no one outside of FOO and their circle accuses me of doing these things? Why also do they say things about my husband and children that I absolutely know not to be true? Even things that can be easily checked in the public records are denied or dismissed as lies or delusions. Evidence that can be seen with their own eyes (like the fact that I can cook and can drive a car, for instance) is repeatedly denied with an almost crazed fervor, as if their world would collapse if they had to accept these (seemingly small and pointless) truths.

I know how it sounds - the answer is easy. my FOO is dysfunctional and disturbed.  My husband knows it; my kids know it. Intellectually I know it, too. But in my heart I am troubled and confused, deeply distressed by the extreme difference in my own beliefs about myself and their beliefs about me. If they are the disturbed ones, then why do I feel so crazy? Why do I feel as if I'm being broken up into pieces and disappearing every time they confront me with "what I am"?

It's as if, in my heart of hearts, I can't really believe they would tell a lie, or that they could be wrong. Even though intellectually I know it, have seen it, confirmed it with others. I'm agonizingly caught between what I know and what I feel. The effects of this can be unbearable at times.

So, even in just trying to describe who I am to begin this journal, the projections and beliefs of others have to be addressed, to sort out who I think I am from what others say.

If we had our way, my FOC and I would break off all relations with my FOO forever, with no regret. Unfortunately, this isn't possible at this time. So the emotional pain is just being inflicted again and again, despite every attempt to avoid it. It's as if it's fresh each time - as if I never learned from experience, "toughened up" the way mother says children should toughen up. At my advanced age, obviously I'm not going to "toughen up". But maybe I can become stronger in other ways.

[Rain]

  to you, Zazu.   A very fine start to a Journal.   

I love what you said, a "collection of symptoms, not a person" ...but, you are a person ...it is the internal experience, and that is what we are healing at a the forum.

I am so sorry you went through this, Zazu.   I am also extremely impressed with the life you have created up and beyond the grossness in your childhood.   Well done.   

I hope for the peace, and joy within you, within all of us here.

[schrödinger's cat]

Ayayay.    I don't know what to say. Your family sounds crazy-making. I'd scratch my head about that too - this fervent insistence that their way of thinking is right, even in spite of solid evidence. I thought the same thing Rain did: it reminds me a bit of things I've read about scapegoats. Sorry to hear that you can't go NC just yet. What your family did to you is some form of violence (or at least that's my impression).

[zazu]

I wanted to say thanks for your kind words, Rain and Cat. 

Writing this took more out of me than I realized and have been exhausted since then. It's surprising that writing things has this effect, as I've had plenty of therapy and have discussed these issues at length. Of course there are many more issues now, since having to be back in contact with my FOO.

Rain, I like the idea of flower seeds and dandelion seeds. I wish you success with it.
I have been trying so hard to do the same....trying to get positive messages into my unconscious mind, as it's the unconscious that so often sabotages me.  It seems to be an especially powerful force. Unfortunately it's filled with negative messages. Consciously, I was able to shut up the voice of the inner critic (with the help of an excellent therapist) but never anticipated then how the unconscious could screw things up. You know, the kind of situation where a person wants to be healthier so they go out for a jog...but instead sprain their ankle on the way out the door. That kind of thing happens to me way too often to be an accident!

Schrodinger's Cat, yes, my FOO is crazy-making to be sure, and does scapegoat other people very often. I usually played the SG role, but sometimes so did my oldest sibling. There were also scapegoat and golden child roles among the extended family - aunts and uncles and cousins, and their children. A huge pecking order in which the GC's families always stayed on top and the SGs could be picked on by any other member in descending order. The roles even applied to spouses and friends of the GCs and SGs.

One funny incident really stands out in my memory. A friend had come to visit and met one of my (higher on the pecking order) siblings. Because she was my friend, this sibling of course treated her as if she were of a lower order, like me. My friend was telling a story about her university days, and the sibling jumped into ask what she had studied. She told him. Sibling arrogantly says, "oh, well, it's stupid to study that - you'll never find a job. No one has a job doing that. Your degree is worthless." My friend blinked at him for a moment and said "um...I do have a job doing that. I'm a (job title) at (one of the most prestigious universities in the world). I work with (people sibling has only seen on television). Do you know them?" Then for good measure, she innocently pulled out her phone and said "oh, I have some great pictures of (celebrity scientists) right here from our last party..."

I could have died laughing (well, in private at least) at the look of confusion on my sibling's face!
She was my friend, she wasn't supposed to be better educated and employed than my sibling! I guess someone forgot to tell her that. 

That's a fond memory because it was so clear that the dynamic in the family wasn't my fault. My friend hadn't done anything to deserve being insulted, my sibling hadn't even the sense to find out what she did for a living before speaking up so nastily. After the visit, my friend was very honest about thinking my FOO were a bunch of buffoons. If only I could begin to think of them that way  - then maybe their words wouldn't hurt so much.

[schrödinger's cat]

Zazu, that is priceless. There are moments in time that you just want to put in a gilded frame and stick it right on the wall above the sofa, aren't there? The poetic justice alone...! Such eye-opening rudeness.

Sorry to hear that you were so exhausted. Although - I hope it was worthwhile and helped you gain some ground (at least in the long run).

[zazu]

Thank you both for your kindness. And I'm glad you got a laugh out of my friend's comments. Yes, it would be great to have that moment in a gilded frame!

I think I'm getting a bit stronger now. Reading this board is a little easier (the first few days I had panic symptoms) I'm coping a bit better the last two days. Have been able to do some errands without mentally "freezing" too much (physically freezing is a different matter - the weather's been cold here, haha)
Rain, you're right - no sprained ankles yet. I do tend to overlook what worked in favor of what was a roaring disaster. It's important to count the little things, too.

Just the other day, something that was interesting (to me, at least) came to mind. Even having thought so hard about how I'd describe myself and how others have described me, I'd managed to forget something that was amusing yet disconcerting at the time it happened, years ago.

I was in the grocery store and heard the song "Kothbiro" on the music system. This is an eerie and haunting tune to hear while shopping for produce, to be sure. But it triggered a memory, because the song was used in the film "The Constant Gardener". Well, I remembered at the time that film came out, our friends who'd seen it kept coming over to check on my husband and me, because the couple in the film had reminded them so much of us that they worried about our well-being. (Maybe this doesn't need a spoiler warning but: very bad things happen to this couple.) This concern was kind of amusing, because well, H and I are nothing like Ralph Fiennes and Rachel Weisz, and y'know...it was only a movie. After this happened several times, we decided to see the film. Our reaction after seeing it (aside from being distressed by the film itself) was to become very worried about each other! Neither of us could see ourselves in the characters, but we could definately see each other in the characters. We were nervous about the other leaving the house alone for a few days.

I mention all this because of how surprising it was that I'd forgotten it. This had been back in the time I'd been happiest and most distant from my FOO, but even then I didn't imagine I'd ever been as outspoken as the wife in the film. I can be secretive as she was, yes (who wouldn't be, with such a dysfunctional upbringing) but to be so assertive? Not likely. Discussing this with H, he disagrees. He says that no, I won't back away from my principles, and I know when someone is BSing me and won't accept it. The one exception to this is with my mother, who has a way of breaking me, clouding my mind until I can't think. I realized then that the character of the wife in the film is of the "truth teller" variety, which is what I was in my FOO. It's often the "truth teller" who becomes the scapegoat in a dysfunctional family.

Becoming the truth teller was never intentional - it just seemed to be my nature. The only way for my mother to deal with this, I suppose, was to terrify me into silence. But even then, the effects of this displayed in my behavior, showing everyone that something was wrong in our house. Mother tried very hard to recast me as "crazy" which I didn't resist too much, because I certainly felt crazy (as mentioned in my initial post) - it just took a long time to realize that this is because mother is crazy-making. It was a therapist who pointed this out the first time, actually, when I struggled to describe the series of double-binds that mother had used to "tie" our whole family.

H says that mother will work on me, intentionally pushing buttons until she finds the one that transforms me into a frightened 5-year old, unable to defend myself. The one who accepts mother as the ultimate authority. He says it's disturbing to watch this tranformation from principled adult woman to terrified child. And it's true - when she does this, I do forget who I've been all these years, that I'm an adult , that I've dealt with things that were truly harder, scarier and more important than mother ever was, in objective sense. Instead, I'm 5 years old all over again.

When this happens, it wrecks me for days (it's the emotional flashbacks, I guess) and I do wish there was a way to keep my adult self/adult mind when she attacks. The only way that works is if it has to do with my kids - I can keep my adult self together is if the kids need protection. Otherwise, I fall apart.

This is a digression, but I'm just reminded of something I'd heard from friends who'd left a religious cult years ago. They were counseling someone who was considering leaving the church but hadn't made the break yet. They said this fellow, who was wealthy and powerful by any other standard, who could have gone anywhere or done almost anything he'd wanted, stood in their hallway shaking and trembling, literally afraid to move. "What if the church finds out? What if they know I'm here?" he kept saying. He could have gone anywhere in the world, but couldn't move because his mind was in prison.

And it's worth noting that the church this man was so afraid of actually needed him, far more than he needed them. This church needed his money and power, the church was nothing without its members. But of course, the man couldn't see that, he could only feel the fear. That's what brainwashing does to a person.

Maybe that's not a digression, really, but something that needed to come out. Maybe what I'm dealing with - the fact that I lose my principled, adult self, is a part of the brainwashing mother worked on me. That it is a mental prison. And also that a bully (or a manipulator) needs a victim to succeed in what they do. Otherwise they would have to go around threatening inanimate objects and that wouldn't be very satisfying to them, would it? :p

There's something in this mess of words that might be important, but I'll have to wait for a bit to figure out what it is.

One day, I hope to leave my FOO in the mental ward of their choosing, too.

[zazu]

I hope you've been able to cut that '"button wiring", Rain. It's sounds like you're well on your way. Hopefully one day I will be, too. It was a good idea to save that email to use as a checklist. 

That last post led me to refresh my reading on brainwashing, and I came across something that, while I had already known, it must have finally sunk in...

The successfully brainwashed person has had a "false self", a clone of their captor, or leader, basically implanted into them. This false self gains dominance, though does not completely destroy, the real self. The two are often in deep conflict. (*warning, some of this may be triggering*)

I'd written over on OOTF how I'd felt this way, as if one part of me agrees with NPDMom and the other part knows full well that she is incredibly destructive and agreeing with her is acting against my own best interests. Terrible guilt results from this - apparently not uncommon with victims of brainwashing. The successful brainwasher actually uses that guilt as part of the process, to channel it against everything the person believed before, to make them and all their previous associations "bad". Interestingly, once this begins to work, the leader or captor then relents and grants some leniency to the victim, some positve reinforcement to show them they are now "doing right".

I say "interestingly" above, because my mother never used the positve reinforcement step . She might cause slightly less suffering if things worked the way she wanted them to (skewed toward failing on our parts - it threatened her if we succeeded in much) but she would yell and scream and punish either way. These were classic double binds. But as far as rewarding us for compliance? No. The best she might do was, say, cook us a meal we disliked and force us to eat while telling us we should be grateful for all the work she'd done. This actually seemed more like another punishment than reward.(She could feel justified, though, because she had fed us - therefore she was the good guy in the whole miserable sitiation.)

And while NPDM says outright that she wants us (and everyone) to "think with her mind" and basically be clones, I know this can't be true - if I were her clone, I could have expected the exact same amount of trouble - maybe even worse. I just have to look at my brother as an example. He's complied with her to the best of his ability, has been as much of a clone as he is able, but it has not helped him a bit. She still treats him like dirt. The only benefit I can see that he gets from it is that she insults him differently than she would those who are noncompliant. What's more, she says these things all around town and beyond. She'll call one person after another to let loose with insults about my brother, even after he's done her huge favors. (Needless to say, she does this X10 with those who don't comply.)

No, there is no benefit I can see to complying, to being her clone. So there was an important difference from what one might see in traditional mind control or brainwashing, or even a typical PD family system. This might be the one, twisted little thing that seems to make my FOO different, harder to figure out than other PD FOOs seem to be. And consequently giving my mental health issues the extra warping they have, too.

The upshot of this is, what my mother seemed to want, (for everone but maybe two people in the whole world) is to cause suffering, to make them hurt. My last therapist told me that she was a sadist, and I'm sure he was right.

But even though this was not traditional brainwashing, I still seem to have developed this "false self". My husband points out that I've been programmed to hurt, that this is what she wanted, for me to hurt...like a constant source of power for her. Maybe, ultimately, my role wasn't to be a "clone" as she says, but to suffer. And maybe that's why I can't stop hurting, why it tears me apart so much - because this false self is still very much active, giving mother what she's trained it to do. Maybe this is why I don't have the "numbing" often described in C-PTSD. I've rarely been able to numb myself.  Each wound feels as if it were fresh all over again, every time. Because that's this false self's job.

This is an upsetting thought, but it's the nearest thing to an explanation to which I've come.

This is too long already, but I must note the strange dreams I've been having. After having read up on this and thought about this false self, I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I dreamed that a scary thug broke into my house and carved the words "truth equals death" inside the front door, so when I went to look out the door after he'd gone, that's what I saw. I woke up terrified. "Truth equals death" is a pretty scary thing to read, and it was meant to be threatening. I wondered if it was a warning to stop looking for the truth. But then I remembered that a door is a boundary in the most literal sense. And the thug in the nightmare seemed very nasty, a psychopath who barged right into my house and carved up the most basic boundary with a smirk.
My husband said it might have been a symbol for that false self, or the punitive superego trying to stop me from healing.

Maybe. I don't know. I'm going to let it percolate for a few days.

[Rain]

Zazu, can I borrow your nightmare?

Really.  Seriously.

The message carved at your door is the same for me.    I've had this deep sense of death if I go forward ...have not been able to put words to it.

[zazu]

Hmmm...very interesting ideas, Rain. The inner critic does have a form...even though I'd managed to shut it up (as you've mentioned doing yourself on another thread) it does still have a form, and the feelings it creates. I'd imagined it as looking like different things (like when I'd be meditating and it would show up univited to throw darts at me.  ) but seeing it in a dream is truly a first.

Of course you can borrow the dream - if it helps, more power to you! 

There is a lot more to this recent rash of strange dreams, which will take time to process, but clearly reading through this forum has caused an avalanche of ideas.

[zazu]

Crazy swirl of dreams the last few days. The psychopath inner-critic keeps making appearances. He looks different every time, but he's still a thug. In some dreams, he stalks me but doesn't know that *I* know he's there. I try to fake him out. He seems curiously dumb, for someone with so much power to frighten.

Interesting, that. It could be that "his" programming was installed so long ago that he's out of date, not up with the times. Perhaps he's not intelligent or self-aware in his own right. Maybe he's just a tape in a subconscious tape-player, playing the same old worn-out tape. Maybe  it's just because the contents of the tape had so much power to terrorize that I couldn't see it.
Maybe, with luck, that's the case.

Also, I keep dreaming that I'm moving, moving out of houses and buildings from my past, or collecting my belongings from different places, but without a clear idea of where I'm moving to. I only know that I'm moving. And there are also anxiety dreams which make me question what I'm truly afraid of and why.

Been using theta wave binaural beat music for relaxation, which has been helpful. I've been able to combine it with positive imagery and affirmations lately, which used to be super difficult for me (my imagination would turn on me, rather horribly). It's much easier now, I can get through a whole hour's meditation without my thoughts turning grim. That's nice. It gives my poor brain a break. Today I tried one of the gamma wave meditations, which was so awesome I started to worry the things were addictive...

At any rate, I feel that I'm changing from all this work and study on C-PTSD, but what I'm changing into is a mystery. It's a bit unnerving because it's unknown territory. I've always wanted to change - my life, at its very best, was always just a matter of coping from one moment to the next - but I've never put much thought into what a real change would feel like. Haven't been able to, really. It's scary, yes, but if I ask myself if I want things to continue the way they have been the last few years, then the answer is a big, fat no.

Recently I was reading quotes from "healing the shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw, about toxic shame, and how the toxic shame creates a false self that's "more than human" or "less than human". It's pretty clear that I've got the type that's less than human (thanks to scapegoating). But that means I also have a real self (I suppose, the one I was trying to establish in the OP) that is simply human. Just human! Not less than. Just a simple, ordinary human! Can you imagine!

Lately I get the feeling that this ordinary human self is tired of being stuffed in the closet and wants to make an appearance. Maybe the ordinary human self wants to tell the sub-human self to take a hike, because it has held the floor way too long.

It probably doesn't seem like a big dream to most people, but I think being ordinary would feel wonderful. 

[Kizzie]

Hey Zazu - you talked earlier about the inscription on the door being "truth equals death" and I realized when I read it that that is what my IC believes or believed actually.  My IC had this deep and really frightening feeling that if I went up against my NPDM she/I would die, I'm not sure if it was literally or figuratively but I guess to a 5-6 year old the distinction is moot.  My M had that much power over younger me and I carried that awful sense of dread right up into my 50's.

In some dreams, he stalks me but doesn't know that *I* know he's there. I try to fake him out. He seems curiously dumb, for someone with so much power to frighten.    

In the past year or so I've been able to see how small and frail my NPDM is for the first time, and her power over me (or my IC) has diminished. I wondered if seeing your thug as stupid is along the same lines, that you are shrinking his power down to real life size?

And I like seeing myself as ordinary too, being "special" is not all it's cracked up to be