new member with old problems come back to haunt

[Peggy-Sue]

hey glad i found this site via ootf site
i have just recently been diagnosed 3 weeks ago with CPTSD
Its sexual, physical, emotional, psychological and financial abuse throughout childhood and adolescence.
I have been with my husband 20 years and did not realise i was unwell mentally getting steadily worse for past 4/5 years. Our marriage has gone through miserable and the worst times. Its only now i am just exploring how messed up I am
The anxiety has been disabling , I don't remember being this scared in all my life, except I guess as a child but i learnt to split from my body to cope. The way my senses are all over the place eaves me choked an numb at times then hyper sensitive/hyper sense of reality at other times.
I am totally drained but strongly believe I cant let "them" win.....them being the self feelings of hatred , the sabotaging bombs I throw on my life, the sense of wanting to disappear and the splitting into different characters to please others , or how i perceive i should please and those monsters who abused me......
I am incredibly lucky i still have my husband by me and great friends and a beautiful kid who is my sunshine
I just want to be able to reconnect to my body and feel safe aain and an adult.
Lots to deal with and very terrified, feel sick writing this to be honest and beginning to panic so got to go
take care of yourself reader
TTFN

[Wife#2]

Peggy-Sue,

I don't want to overwhelm any more than you're already feeling. Maybe, instead of posting for a while, you may feel safer reading posts or just reviewing the tools (just like OOTF, there are tools we can use to help ourselves).

When you feel strong enough, join us again for a moment. We will do our best to be kind, welcoming and understanding.

While it makes me so very sad that you've been through what you've been through, I'm very glad you found this site for the support and help that can be found here. Welcome.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, Peggy Sue! We're glad you here

[sanmagic7]

so glad you found us, peggy sue.  this stuff can be so overwhelming.  take your time, do what's best for you, one foot in front of the other.  this forum has been so helpful to me and i hope only the best for you as well. 

i've only realized the extent of what's been happening to me my whole life a short time ago as well.  sometimes it's just too much, other times it's a relief to get it out.  post what you can when you can.  it's all about you.

[prairiewind]

Hello peggysue. I'm new here also and hope you find it a safe place.