CPTSD People, Dear Reader

[Face]

Hello,

So this is my first post in a forum, ever actually. Which is hilarious really, because it's such a personal topic. I'm really happy that I found this place, it seems like a really positive supportive community. I am relatively new to all of this, and I must admit, a little nervous about sharing but I know it will be good for me to.

To start backwards, I recently got out of a relationship with an emotionally abusive individual, who may or may not also have CPTSD, (if going by Pete Walker's paradigm, was definitely a  version  of the fight/narcissistic variety. I recognize in myself a freeze type). During this breakup, I was beyond heartbroken, and I had a complete nervous breakdown, which lead me down the rabbit whole of discovering CPTSD, Personality Disorders, ect. That being said, I also have had a hard time leaving my apartment for the past few months, and I live in a state of hyper vigilance bordering on complete paralysis sometimes. There were times when it was difficult for me to even go outside and check my mail box.

Its now obvious to me that this was an extremely long, intense, emotional flashback, mixed with new trauma, emotionally mirroring the state I lived in growing up, and had apparently repressed my whole life until now. I thought I had worked through all of this in therapy years ago, but I admit I was the classic "tough cookie" meaning I had a moderately high tolerance for abusive behavior. But yeah, there is seriously an ocean of sadness and hurt that I am now fully aware of. It took this relationship to finally wake me up to what is the truth about myself: I have no sense of how to protect myself, I have no sense of feeling like I even deserve protection,  putting others way above myself, not being in touch with my own intuition, heeding "red flags" in others, worrying about their problems instead of my own, etc. I'm grateful for this new awareness but recently it has felt very overwhelming. Trying to feel self worth and practicing self care feels a bit like trying to lift a car. My inner critic is relentless in showing me how this is all final proof that I will never be good enough to be loved, and am a lost cause. Right now correcting it is, in itself extremely tiring work, and sometimes feels impossible.

I won't go into major details but basically I was raised in a split family, everyone was either codependant or NPD. Neglect and abuse was literally all I knew. If there was love, it was manipulative or fueled by guilt.  I was also bullied/beat up for having glasses and ridiculously early onset grey hair (gee I wonder why) and that has stayed with me. All I remember that was the connecting thread was feeling like no where was safe, there was never anywhere for me to just exist and be okay. I started turning inward as early as about 3, already a skilled disassociator, then later on art and books and music was all I had to find a safe place from the pain I felt. I am feeling it all now, again, feeling the emotional and actual abandonment, but in the body of an adult. My whole view of myself, love, and trust has been warped by these events.

My goal is to start with giving myself that which I never got and learning to feel okay about asking for help when I need it, but I am also really looking forward to connecting with others that may have experienced something similar and can relate at all!

[sanmagic7]

can definitely relate, face.  welcome, very glad you're here.  thanks for sharing. 

that whole idea of putting others first has been with me since before i could speak.  i used to lose myself in books of magic and fantasy when i was a kid.  it was so wonderful there, so free, so much not having to be responsible for anyone but themselves.  it was a foreign world.

with the help of this forum, i've been making progress in believing that i deserve all the good stuff now, that i don't have to reserve it just for others.  it's slower some days than others, but it's happening.  i do hope you find some connection and support here to help you with what you need as well.  it's been a good place for me.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, Face!

I can really relate to your story! I'm glad you were brave, and shared it. It's so good connecting with other people who understand what each other has been through. It makes me feel more validated than I can express.

All I remember that was the connecting thread was feeling like no where was safe, there was never anywhere for me to just exist and be okay

Yes! This was my childhood, too.

I'm glad you've joined and had the courage to let us in. When we share our pain and struggles, we are helping those who are still too scared to speak.  Thanks!

[Face]

Thanks you guys, so happy to have found you all! 

[prairiewind]

Hello Face. I just joined here and it's good to hear others stories. Welcome!