stuck

[joyful]

This whole week i've been stuck in this deep, heavy sadness. i don't know what brought it on, but everything is just adding to it. it's like i had a realization (came out of major denials for a second) and it was like "oh my gosh, i'm dealing with THAT???" I don't know if that makes any sense... i thought i was getting over and "accepting" some of the layers of trauma, but i think i was just getting comfortable in denial, cuz i still get triggered and then spend hours (sometimes more) after in panic. i don't know what it was this week that caused me to thaw out a little, but i just am constantly on the verge of tears (if only my eyes would cooperate). i'm back in that place where i just want to sit on my bed all day and stare at the wall. but i have to put on a happy face and just keep going.

i'm pretty new to the discovery of CPTSD, and am just slowly starting to FINALLY make some sense of myself and become aware of my emotions instead of just squashing and burying them to please others...anyway, i feel this deep deep dark sadness hanging over me constantly and my impulse is to shy away from it, push it away, bury it. i've heard to just sit with my emotions, but for some reason that always makes me uncomfortable, like i'm cringing away from myself. i try to write out everything to, but i get like terrified that someone will find in and i'll be "in trouble" like when i was a kid. Does anyone have any suggestions for getting through these intense emotions?

Thank you

[sanmagic7]

in my experience, they come and go, sometimes as they please, it seems.  the good news is that they don't last forever - 'this, too, shall pass'.  the bad news is that until they pass they feel really crummy.

yeah, it makes perfect sense.  when i go through that it feels like i'm getting hit in the face with a brick.  and then there's the aftermath to deal with.  it's been amazing to me how many layers have appeared, often when i thought there were no more.

one of my mantras that has helped me is just asking 'help me make it through today'.  and, i've made it to today with that plea.  someone/something out there has given me a lot of help to make it this far.  i'm thankful for that.  best to you in weathering this storm.  and, know that you're not alone. 

[Sliceoflife]

I have been experiencing the same thing going through therapy myself.  I don't know that I have any solution but I can defiantly relate and I'm getting the feeling that it is normal.  I have found that taking walks or other physical activity has helped me some when I've been feeling that way.

[Dee]

I am so with you.   I am told to sit with it, but that is so hard to do.  I have a journal and now I am on my second one because I was so afraid someone would find it I threw it away in a public trash that I was sure no one would ever find or relate to me.  I am sorry I did that because I cannot reflect.  I have kept on journaling here, it does feel safer than a notebook hidden in my room.

I am starting to think I am in a EF this evening from my last post and what I am writing here.  Yet, I think it is making me honest.  I have been in such strong denial I didn't realize the abuse of the relationship I have been in.  The last few weeks has been really hard for me as I am coming out of denial.  I feel small.  I feel about 10 right now.  I was the child always doing what I have been told, the good girl.

I have super recently learned to cry of grief.  I hope this lasts.  This is different from crying because I want to be stupid or an emotional breakdown.  Crying for what has been lost, crying because I didn't understand.  So I guess for me the best thing to do is to allow myself to grieve.  Such a new concept to me.  It's okay to be sad, to be hurt, I no longer have to pretend nothing is wrong.  The mask has crumbled and I can no longer patch it.

[Eyessoblue]

I'm the same, I posted on here a few weeks ago where I just feel so sad like trapped in that emotion with a grey cloud over my head that feels like it will never shift.  Well for me it does shift after a few days and I start to feel slightly normal again but maybe a few days later it reappears again, think it's just an unfortunate symptom of cptsd which hopefully with counselling etc it will start to improve, but I can totally sympathise with you as it's just horrible.

[joyful]

Thank you everyone.