Scared of being assessed!

[Jojob]

Hi everyone
I found this site yesterday and I can't tell you how much relief I've found in what I've read so far. For 20yrs I've known how much my past is still affecting my life, but like a lot of people I've just tried to get on with it as best I can thinking no one will understand.
  I finally went my GP last week as I felt it's come to a point my relationship is gonna end if I can't sort my head out!
I read some stuff on bpd an yes I think I do have traits of that but when I read what cptsd is.... It just feels like a light bulb has gone on!
I'm being assessed next week and I'm worried that I won't be able to explain how bad my past was.... I was in a children's singing group  from age 11 to 15... I was looked after by a man and wife that run things... To cut a long story short... He was a paedophile and she was basically evil in my eyes.... The abuse was mainly by her and was psychological .. It's all very messed up and hard to go into the dynamic  they had but as a child I viewed them as loving and had no idea at first how sinister they were. I remember being suicidal around age 13 because I felt trapped in * basically. I couldn't tell my parents because looking back they had brainwashed me into thinkung I would end up in trouble for telling. The problem is I seem to have lost a lot of my memory... I can't remember  many instances where things took place, even though I know this went on for yrs. I seem to remember snippets of the aftermath... Like crying on my own or praying to God of a night to let me die. I have emotional flashbacks daily now which I only learnt yesterday what they were from this site, so thank you. I feel like my past still rules me, like I will never escape them, even though I've not seen them in 20ys now! When I'm assessed I'm scared I won't be able to get the severity of what they were doing to me across because I can't remember enough? Do I make sense? Sorry for rambling on ...

[sanmagic7]

welcome, jojob, so glad you're here, and thanks for sharing.

not being able to remember everything, either about what happened or about what you want to tell the professional is not uncommon.  some people have mentioned writing down notes as prompts to themselves so that they can be quite sure they aren't leaving anything out.  i've written out pages about my symptoms to docs and others..   i have it with me and the ones who read it seem more trustworthy to me, so i feel better about the whole experience.  plus, i feel more secure within myself that i haven't left anything out.

from what you wrote, a doc should be able to garner the immensity and intensity of what you've gone through, even if some of the details are left out.   good luck with this - i'm pulling for you! 

[Jojob]

Thank you. I never thought about writing things down but now you mention it I feel like it would help me. When I'm nervous I tend to go off on an tangent so maybe writing it down will help me get stuff across to them better. I'm just really nervous, especially because when I tried to speak to my GP about some of my symptoms she responded by saying "You seem really rational an fine to me" and then went onto say " I'll refer you, but I wouldn't like a psychiatrist to diagnose you with bpd, you don't want that label on you" ....... And even worse when I tried to tell her how depressed the past still makes me, she suggested I join a choir! I have no words! So I'm apprehensive about this assessment because I just wanna feel listened to and understood a little.

[Three Roses]

"Join a choir"... oh.my.god! Can you think of a worse, more triggering thing to do?? What is wrong with them....

[Jojob]

I know! It took so much for me to go to my GP and I felt like she was patronising, and basically concluding from just a 2 minute conversation with me that I wasn't showing signs of being ill enough to be assessed! I felt like I then had to cram in as many  painful memories from the as I could.... just to get her to take me seriously! I'm just hoping my referral goes well because I really do feel like I've had enough of being a prisoner to my past. I just wanna be happy.

[sanmagic7]

happy would be good.  here's hoping you reach that goal. 

join a choir?  i swear, some of these people have concrete in their heads!

[TheDamagedDiamond]

I am also afraid of being assessed. Since joining a few days ago, I've written about the trouble I've had with doctors. I am also on medicaid and have to find a new doctor's office and ask for a referral to be assessed for CPTSD. I doubt the system will help me or believe me. Even if I get to that point, seeing someone to be assessed, I am afraid the doctor will say I'm just as crazy as my abusive family is. That I won't be seen as a victim/survivor but just like them. Or they'll just say I'm looking for something to be wrong with me and I'm lazy and just need to go find a job.

[Jojob]

I understand your concerns. It's hard when you've already had negative experiences surrounding doctors. But a GP is not a psychiatrist and sadly sometimes they can say the complete wrong things, this doesn't mean that the right professional to asses you will also do that. It is scary not knowing how it will go, I'm the same....I'm scared they will say "your life's not been that bad, get over it" .... But I think that's just my own fear of not being validated. I think youre brave wanting to take this step. And you deserve to be heard.