Letter to M - just for here, not to be sent

[Blueberry]

Hello M,
I got your email. For someone for whom correct language usage and precise vocabulary was of utmost importance, precise wording when it comes to emotional issues is sadly lacking. I imagine you feel sad that I don't want contact with you. If you want to feel sorry, then I'd prefer you to feel sorry for what you did to me over the years. You're not going to of course.

Let's see. F sent me an email mentioning how I'd hurt you, now, as a mature adult. Too bad nobody thought to protect me from hurt when I was a child. Nobody protected me from you; you didn't protect me from older brother - no, you even wanted to protect him and his feelings from me, like when you said we wouldn't tell him I didn't want him at my graduation, because 'we' wouldn't want to hurt his feelings! "We??" You were including me in that?!?  You were oblivious to the fact that he was hurting my body at that time, that's why I didn't want him at my grad. Of course, you were right, it wasn't often. But it was often enough. One time is one time too many at that age.

And as for you, you think it's alright to tell a child things like there were no problems in the family till said child's birth?? It wasn't even true!! Now, the family gathers round, protecting you from any possibility that  I might hurt you by setting a limit. When I was a child nobody was there to protect me from your tongue. Of course, you had problems with your husband and your ILs and even your first baby before I was born.
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Don't worry, fellow OOTS members, I won't be sending this! I was hoping it might be cathartic, but I can't tap my anger at all. I'm writing on a cognitive level only. Sometimes, including a couple of hours ago,  I can feel the anger at these and other things my M did and said, but it seems I can't connect the emotions with writing right now.

[Three Roses]

I wonder if hand-writing them would help you tap into the anger (something I also need to get around to)

Or, typing it out and reading it into a mirror?

[Blueberry]

Maybe printing it and reading it out loud into a mirror. Handwriting is very difficult because I tend to physically self-destruct... Thanks for ideas anyway.