Corrective experiences and anxiety (tw abandonment)

[Chickadee]

Not sure if this should be filed under frustrations or recovery, it's a bit of both.

I just got married in September and promptly moved to be closer to my new in laws, to another province. My mum in law happens to be a psychiatrist and seemingly a very competent one, plus a genuinely lovely and caring person overall.

Today was our first coffee date with just the two of us. I found myself sharing a little too much about my past, you know? I definitely felt vulnerable. And since I'm not close, or even currently in conflict with my own parents, I believe I'm desperately seeking acceptance and validation from her.

I described to her a passing memory, that I hadn't even considered in years or however long, as an example of my father's behaviour in our family's dynamic.

I was a teen camping one summer with my parents. They got into a nasty argument while we were out hiking in the woods and my father became so enraged that he walked away from us both, leaving my mother and I stranded. He knew the way back and we did not.

I recalled this in my usual disconnected way but my mother in law's reaction was the part that shocked me. She seemed horrified and saddened. Her response was very warm and nurturing. this surprised me. I let it sink in for a quick minute, then changed the subject.

Later in the day I had a fight with my husband, followed by a panic attack, followed by a huge relieving sobbing kind of cry.

He told me that he loves all of me, even the dark and scary places. He said, I love you there. I just sobbed it was so incredibly painful and amazing to really truly hear that.

I feel so blessed right now for my new family and home, yet terrified, and guilty of "abandoning" my parents and my older brother. (I only continue to speak with my mom, and superficially at that.)

All of this to say that healing is a hard process, too, even when it seems right and good.  Your body is holding fast to those memories.

So much is coming up for me at this time because I seem to have found a family who loves my real self, something I never expected for myself. We have a cross-country road trip planned for the holidays; I expect that my anxiety and trust issues may get worse before they get better.  But I do now have a DBT therapist in the new city who is not my mom in law who will support me in the process. And I welcome the journey.

Thanks for reading.

[sanmagic7]

i remember feeling those guilt feelings about talking about people in my past.  i have very little of that left.  the more i've been accepted and validated in the present, the less guilty i've felt.  it's as if the validation/acceptance told me that i wasn't just being mean or nasty, but speaking my truth.  i was finally letting the light into the darkness.  it can be difficult at times, this recovery of ours, but we can't clean the cobwebs away without a little elbow grease.  so glad you've found warm, caring people to surround yourself with.  that's the best.

[radical]

I'm going to weigh in with a warning.  Others may well disagree.

You don't know your mother-in-law very well.  i recommend you not get into a psychiatrist, patient dynamic with her.  It may well be that over time you develop close and mutual relationship with her, but she is not your therapist.  the fact that you said " My mum in law happens to be a psychiatrist and seemingly a very competent one, " in your third sentence signals a warning to me about your relationship.  In her job she is (hopefully) very good at putting people at ease and listening to confidences, in a mainly one-sided manner.   What confidences did she share in this conversation?

This is definitely not a criticism of you at all.   I hope the two of you become close over time, share yourselves with each other, maybe even get to have something of a second mother, if the relationship develops in a warm healthy way.

It is great that you found validation from your MIL with what you shared.  I'm very glad you have a therapist of your own. 

All I'm saying is that you don't want a doctor-patient relationship instead of an evolving, genuine, equal and mutually satisfying relationship with your husband's mother.  Nothing you said or did was wrong, it's just the potential for how this might develop that worries me, and it seems that the boundaries may have to come from you.

[sanmagic7]

good catch, radical.  i totally agree.