The email I wrote but never sent

[JusticeBeaver]

Last year, I wrote a NC email to my  uNPD mother. She responded with an email full of gaslighting, minimizing, invalidating my feelings by blaming my fiance for my choice, said I was doing this for "no reason." I wrote out a response and it has been sitting in my draft folder for almost a year. I have removed names, but this is exactly as I wrote it.

EMAIL:

No reason? That's hysterical.

This will be my last email to you. You don't even deserve this much from me.

(My fiance) has nothing to do with my decision. There you go again, claiming someone put an idea in my head. We just talked about this on Christmas. You have done this since I was a small child. You claim that someone "poisoned me against you." I could never come up with an opinion on my own, could I? That's just one of many ways you have attempted to diminish me, deny accountability and hurt me for the past 32 years. (My fiance) paid for my entire trip to see you. Why would he try to get me to turn against you?

Listening to the way you talk to (her boyfriend) truly disgusted me. I searched online for answers, why does she act this way, what's wrong with her? The day I got back from your house, I read a book about narcissistic abuse that sounded like it was written about you specifically. It was as if I had written a book about how you've treated me my whole life. I learned that what you are doing to (her boyfriend) right now is abuse. You separate him from his family so you can treat him like * and beat him down by nagging, snapping with an attitude, and treat him like he exists only to serve you, rubbing your feet, scratching your back. Your own built in slave, and no one is around to stop it. It's what you did to me, to (grandmother) and to (her exboyfriend), and probably every person who ever thought you loved them. You control every little thing and fly off in a rage if you don't get your way. You withhold and neglect emotionally when people don't do exactly as you want, so they eventually just always do what you want, walking on eggshells to avoid conflict and cope with the unfortunate situation they're in.

I remember when i used to fight with you when I was a teenager and said that I thought you had multiple personalities or bipolar disorder because you would change from happy to psycho in 2 seconds. Now I know that it's NPD, which is pretty on par with being a sociopath. There's nothing that can be done to change what's wrong, because you don't think anything is wrong with you. It is impossible to change a narcissist.

I won't allow myself to be in a twisted relationship with you anymore. I deserve people who truly care for me, ask me about how school is going, how I'm planning my wedding, things you have failed to do again and again. My decision to stop talking to (my high school best friend) was similar. She had no interest in me or my life, only what attention she could get out of me. For you to blame (my fiance) for that- he "pulled me from my girlfriends" -is totally laughable. You know how selfish (my high school best friend) is. You always have to find a scapegoat to blame for situations you create. You decided that you hated (my fiance) within 2 hours of meeting him, because you couldn't sit for 10 minutes and entertain yourself while he had a migraine. I stopped inviting you over, and my contact with you lessened after that because I was appalled by your behavior that night. It was embarrassing, and uncalled for. Your opinion of him has no bearing on me, because you don't even know him.

Why have I continued to spend time with you if you're so terrible? If I ever tell you I am unhappy with anything you say or do, you attack me from 4-5 angles: I'm judging you, I'm attacking you, someone else had to made me think it, you tell me I'm crazy or I have a selective memory or I live in a fantasy world... So I never disagree, I never tell you anything is wrong because you use fear and abuse to keep me in line. You don't know me at all. You have attempted to create a child who only lives to serve you and to be essentially another version of you. I am not you, and don't want to be. I shouldn't have to conform to a personality that you created in order for us to get along. It's oppressive and abusive. You stunted me in this way, I am a victim of emotional child abuse. What I am sick with, what I have always been sick with is c-PTSD, which is a symptom of your "love." Just because you kept it secret, it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

I'm sure you'll go around and tell all your harpies that I'm nuts, my fiance controls me, you're innocent and wounded. You're really good at lying to yourself and everyone around you and creating an illusion, and I don't care what they think about me. I am vindicated, finally know the truth. I'm free. I am going to graduate at the top of my class and have a really fantastic career and home and life with a loving man who treats me like gold. The life I've always deserved. But he's a controlling * because he didn't act like you were a celebrity one time 4 years ago, right?

I'm sure you will do something else in an attempt to hurt me. If you love me, if you ever loved me, you will leave me alone and go get yourself some psychiatric help.

[Three Roses]

I absolutely love the directness and honesty of this! It's not cruel or attacking but it holds nothing back, either. Great job!

[JusticeBeaver]

Thanks for the support, Three Roses!

My prediction that she'd go around spreading lies about me came true! But by that point (8 months into NC), I felt less angry, and sort of just felt sad for her because she is clearly desperate. Sorry about the cursing, I noticed that you edited them out.

[Three Roses]

Haha, yes, I was going to send you a private message to explain that but evidently did not get to it in time!

The forum has a filter and will catch most expletives. Many of us here were verbally abused, called names and cursed at, and so we don't want to trigger anyone who might be sensitive to cursing. But we also recognize the therapeutic value of letting loose every now and then, so you have two options: just type the word and let the filter change it to an asterisk; or use the "button mash" approach (*&^%!). We only ask that people not use symbols or numbers in place of letters, for example, h@t or s1ck. Thanks for your understanding!