Newbie Here

[WonkyWombat]

Hi

WonkyWombat here. I wanted to write a hello post and introduce myself a bit. I found this place via a search looking at effects of multiple, serious, childhood traumas on children and also when they are adults. I actually was not expecting to find the volume of research that I did. It does make me kind of bitter that the work was not done when I was a kid, and even more bitter no one picked up on any of it. Perhaps I am too good at hiding things.

Anyhow I went through a lot of childhood trauma, in Africa and also back in the UK. I had a load of baggage from all this I had never dealt with and also have a serious mental illness diagnosed (bipolar with psychosis). Some years ago things got to a critical mass and I ended up in hospital via a serious, failed suicide attempt. I lost a promising career and am still recovering and trying to find my path through life.

But now I have help and support I did not trust to have before. I have a wonderful girlfriend who I love so much and lots of other stuff in my life. Including a complicated, but rewarding relationship with faith. Lots of other stuff too. And my mood etc is being treated and I have a therapist who is incredibly patient in terms of me learning and trusting how to talk about things I have spent my whole life hiding.

It is very diffficult to open up when your default is to hide everything from everyone. It is difficult to learn to trust.

Anyhow - that is a bit of stuff about me.

Nice to meet you all

WW

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, WonkyWombat! I'm glad you're here

I'm sorry to hear you've been through so much, but I'm glad you are still here. There is so much new information about the brain, and the effects of trauma - there is so much hope for recovery.

I'm awfully glad to hear things are looking up for you. Thanks for joining! 

[sanmagic7]

hey, wonkywombat, welcome.  glad you're here. 

i can relate to those feelings about why didn't someone pick up on this beforehand, especially with the physical problems i'm now having that could have been looked into a long time ago.  as far as therapeutically, well, my first therapist is, i believe, a narc herself, and put me through all kinds of torture for 8 yrs. before i was able to extricate myself from her web.  she made the problem worse by 1000.

and, i've been an emdr therapist for 25 yrs., never heard of this stuff until i began researching after my 6th breakdown at the beginning of last year.  and, i belong to an online emdr therapist group, have for 6 yrs., and c-ptsd has never been brought up until i did.  it's just not that well known yet.  but i do believe that as we speak up about it to our own therapists and docs, the word will keep spreading until this is recognized for the beast it is. 

so, i'm glad you're still with us, and glad you're here with us and that you've got some good people and everything around you at last.   i just want to make it through today, and i'll start again tomorrow. i wish the same for you.   hold on.

[WonkyWombat]

Hi Three Roses and sanmagic7

Thank you both so much for the warm welcome. It is good to be amongst people who understand. I think there is a lot of power in that.

Thank you for your good wishes. I think I do believe I am finally heading in the right direction. It just takes a long, long time to improve things when they got so bad. I always thought I was invincible and that I did not have the feelings to damage but I think that the realisation that there is really a lot to sort has hit home. That being said, I think starting to grasp that is a big step towards healing in and of itself.

Certainly here in the U.K. My experience personally and professionally has generally been the CPTSD=BPD. The main exceptions I have come across are my GP (who suggested CPTSD back in the noughties) and my current therapist. And not sure people know what to do with those who don't fit well used diagnostic molds. Esp with more than one diagnosis.

I have had some damaging experiences with therapy. One who was really damaging and I actually wonder if she was a sociopath herself. One who had extremely wobbly boundaries and one I was going to see whilst at school and struggling with ED, before my headmistress said she would not give me a good reference for uni if I went to see her. Anyhow. Got someone good now so that is the main thing.

I can't sleep at the moment. Combination of elevated mood and things messing with my head. So currently trying out various make up techniques and watching telly. I think I must be a bit on the high side mood wise as I currently have a face covered in a lot of gold highlighter and I am sporting turquoise, glittery eyes and coral lips. For a long time after my "breakdown" (I really believe they exist), I lost all interest in make up which had been a big love of mine since being a young kid. A few months ago the love came back and I think it is a sign of a step in the right direction to loving myself and being nice to myself (difficult).

Anyhow sorry to go on.

Hope you guys are doing ok

WW

[sanmagic7]

love all the sparkles and color!  when i'm feeling better, i put some of that on myself - it's so fun and festive.

really glad you've got a good therapist now.  my first was horrible.  haven't had much luck since then, either.  but, since i'm a therapist myself, i've done some of my own tricks on myself, and along with this forum, i've been able to move forward.

hope you keep doing the same.  best to you, and a big hug!