Harder than I thought.

[AncientSoul]

It's a battle this morning. I will win, but I never thought my decision to stay home would hurt so much. I haven't stayed home for Christmas since 2012. That was when my girlfriend broke up with me, and I never saw it coming. I've accepted that and now feel that I was very lucky. I have realized that I was just a meal ticket for her and her family. The truth hurts, and it is what it is. What is hard is thinking why this happens, and blaming myself. But I face guilt, wonder if I could have done something different, and realize that I'm a good guy. Not perfect, but a good guy. My choices have not been the best in finding a woman who will love me no matter what. But attraction must also be mutual. This I understand. Settling is not good just because one is lonely.

I have already donated, helped, given gifts, driven to see people and have been putting together a special surprise to a beautiful woman friend of mine. Yet I keep stopping myself with her. I fear rejection. She could have any guy in the world, and her inner beauty is greater still. My friends have given me much grief about her, because she is younger than me. But she fits within the "rule" half my age and then add seven years. I have no problem with that, but I want the best for her. I feel that I may be the best for her, yet I stop myself. Truth is, I've known her for seven years, and wish her to be happy. Love actually hit me a couple years ago. I thought I could "will away" the feelings, but they persist and are very strong. Nothing in my life has been like these feelings. At least I can feel.

I have kept very private since 2012. Mostly because of my NPD sister and her kids. (I went NC in 2010) They are the reason I have not been at my home for Christmas. Today I have so much anxiety that it is a real battle. It also didn't help that yesterday I went to my club to catch up on things. I've only been there a few times in the last six months. I was greeted by the guys with "We thought you were dead." No one had checked on me, called me, visited me or invited me to anything during the time I stayed away. Maybe because I don't drink much if at all. But hearing that said to me really affected me. I stayed for an appropriate amount of time, and then I left for home.

Right now I'm feeling lonely, unloved, hopeless and unwanted. I'm fighting and I will win this battle. I usually have been at the ocean alone for Christmas since 2012. I told myself I won't run this year, but I feel like running. And I'm a strong man. I can only surmise what others feel.

I've been thinking of telling my friend that I will be in her area as I'm thinking of seeing the new Star Wars movie. I have something special for her and was going to send it by mail. I gave her several things last week, but just dropped them off after getting her permission. She was out of state and not home.

After all the years of dealing with an NPD older sister who has made my life miserable, I seem to do just fine making myself miserable. And I am miserable right now. Staying away from people is not good. I don't know what is worse. Being rejected, facing possible rejection or being alone. Then loving someone and staying away from them. Maybe someday. I still believe good things will happen.

[Three Roses]