Our daughter had a miscarriage Saturday

[fairyslipper]

It is weird, but part of me felt like starting this post with an apology........like I am sorry to bring anybody down, but this is what I am going through. STILL a sense of shame for bad things that happen to our family, because of careLESS reactions from others for many years.  BUT then I remembered what a warm, generous group of people are here and I felt safer.........I thank you so much for that.  I so need to just share my feelings. Just get them out I guess. There really isn't anything that can be said to make it better......it is just such a sad thing to have happen to anybody. And even more so when it is one of your own kids.
My daughter and son in law knew she was pregnant and were waiting for the right time to share it with us. They were super excited and had planned to tell us in a very special way......Sadly we woke up Saturday to a very, very sad sweetheart crying on the phone and asking how you can tell if you are having a miscarriage?  Our hearts broke for her. It is still so hard to believe this has even happened. It was their first pregnancy. They live very far away so being there for them physically was not possible, but we did as much as we could over the phone and have been in contact every day since. She is doing well physically, thankfully but as you can imagine is being triggered by so much........and feeling like sleeping a lot and having periods of doing well and not so well emotionally. I want to be there for her as much as I can even from a distance.  The whole thing is so sad, and just makes you feel sick and like you wish as a parent you could make it all better for them.
Again this is where the Cptsd comes in. My daughter and I were both diagnosed with ptsd.....the realization of cptsd came a little later. (I seriously believe all four of us have it to a certain degree) We have had, we feel an insane amount of medical crap happen to us. And serious stuff too. This has been going on for years with sometimes very little break in between........so needless to say in a sense we kind of anticipate things happening now. Just in the past 3 weeks we have had several things happen.......and you just feel so helpless.....because in general they are things you NEVER would have imagined. Cancer, life threatening allergic reactions to medications, husband passing out because of a prescription he was put on that made his blood pressure go too high and even things with our pets.....seizures etc. It is almost like we can never just relax and enjoy life as much as we used to because it seems like every week and a half or so there is something pretty heavy to deal with.
It also bothers me that as much as we have been there for others and we REALLY have........when things happen to us, there is nobody to turn to, except each other.....our small family. I think we all feel shame and embarrassed by all that has happened. I feel it is the uncaring reactions we have gotten from others, extended family included that have made us feel this way.  And the other thing is when things like this continually happen to your family......how in the world do you get past this cptsd........it seems like we are cursed sometimes honestly. 
My daughter has a doctor's appt tomorrow and for the most part seems to be handling this really well.......being honest with herself about her feelings when she needs to but also looking toward the future to trying again. Journaling and talking about it too. Thanks for letting me share.........it just feels nice to be able to sort of talk about it. 

[keepfighting]

Oh, fairyslipper, this is so sad! My heart goes out to all of you. 

I can understand so well what you're saying, how you wish you could make this right for your d and take away the hurt (both my ds were involved in accidents within the last 15 months, both sustained head injuries and though both will fully recover, they are not there yet). The physical distance between you and your d must be hard to bear for you. I can relate so much to you saying that you wish there would be more than the four of you to fall back onto in a case like this, to share the pain with and make it a bit easier to bear.

I admire the strength that your family displays in how you're dealing with this loss. It might be a small unit, but it's certainly a strong one. The way you are working with and through the pain of the loss instead of trying to downplay it or dismiss it, is so life affirming.

Hope the doctor's visit goes well.

Is there anything you might want to do to make you feel a little better? Like maybe send her a bunch of flowers through an online flower service or make a surprise package with some nice little things for your d and sil in it?

Kudos to you! 

kf

[schrödinger's cat]

I'm so sad to hear this. Your poor, poor daughter. I've got two kids of my own, and with my first especially, I felt like there was a connection to my little unborn child almost straight away. The thought of losing a little one is heartbreaking. This is truly a time of grief for all of you. I hope life will treat you very kindly now.

I relate to what you write about the times when it's just one tragedy after another. We've had something like that, and ended up always on the edge of our seat, wondering where the next blow would come from. But it IS possible that things get better. Not that knowing this is of any help to you now.

Do you know, this might sound weird, but in a way this might be one situation where having CPTSD has one hidden advantage... When I had my own tragedies, my mother was totally unable to relate, and swamped me with "good advice", giving me the impression that I ougth to simply pull myself together and buck up. Having a mother like you, who feels with her daughter and does everything she can to let her know she's not alone, is something very, very, very special. And it's possible that your own injuries are what makes you so well able to be warm-hearted and comforting now. You know what it's like. The fact that your daughter felt able to call you at once after such a tragedy - that speaks volumes. 

[marycontrary]

So very sorry....

[C.]

So true.  No words.  All I want to say is that I've been there.  I had a stillbirth son about fourteen years ago yesterday.  It still pains me, but it's easier now.  It warms my heart that you can be there for your daughter during this difficult time.  Her knowing that you can just "be" with her while she's in pain means a lot.  I did not have that experience with my mother.  I think that you know this, but irregardless of location, that support means a lot to her, to you both and will continue to guide you both as you grieve and recover this loss.
   
As for all of the crisis I know what you mean, I feel I burned through a few friendships due to just too many stressors for me, or them, to cope.  Then a couple years down the road I made a list of all the "crisis/stressors."  It was difficult and a bit triggering, but helped.  I counted them up and could simply say "I had 19 serious stressors in 3 months."  Odd but for me that helped.  The list had things like, move, divorce, separation, infidelity, job loss, son suspended from school, son newly diagnosed with adhd, poverty, etc. etc. Sometimes there are no answers.  We must get up and figure out how to go forward in that moment, that day...

Posting here helps.

The words might sound empty but for me some of those mantra's other people said that helped were "It will get easier" or "It's very difficult now, but will be easier one day" or "you'll get through this" or ?

Remembering that you do have a supportive community here, and that counts.  We're here with you in this moment.  We care.  We are human and part of being human means needing to give and receive support.  It's ok.  It's good.  It's healing.

[Kizzie]

I am so sorry to hear this FairySlipper, lots of  for you and your family. There is absolutely no reason to apologize but I understand why you might feel that way, unfortunately most of us probably can.

How wonderful that in the midst of this you see that your daughter is handling it fairly well My daughter has a doctor's appt tomorrow and for the most part seems to be handling this really well.......being honest with herself about her feelings when she needs to but also looking toward the future to trying again. Journaling and talking about it too. .  I see this as a sign of things going as well as they can in the face of trauma and that says something about your daughter, your parenting and your family. 

Pulling together as a family and you coming here to share are healthy responses despite having CPTSD and all that there is to deal with. You are each reacting individually in a way that validates, supports and nurtures your selves and together as a family. Now that is a great thought to hold when things feel overwhelming

[fairyslipper]

The doctor's appt went very well this afternoon. They left feeling very positive. She is very healthy otherwise and looking forward again to starting their family. Thank you so much for letting me share about this. It really helped me a lot. You all are restoring my faith in humanity!!!!!!!

Keepfighting..........thank you for your warm response and kind words -- they mean SO much. I am very sorry to hear that happened to your daughters.  Glad to hear tho that you can expect a full recovery. I am sorry that your family has been affected by something like this also. What you said about our family meant a lot. The distance is hard, but I am thankful that we can speak by phone and on the computer. I really like your suggestion of sending them something special and plan to put something together. That is such a great idea.

Cat...........yes, I was the same way. I can still remember the day I found out. I wanted to yell it from the rooftop I was so so happy. Yes, it really is. I appreciate so much what you said. Thank you  Yes, exactly...........thank you for that. We are ready for the happy stuff now  It does seem like life can go in phases that way. No, what you said about the cptsd makes perfect sense. I can imagine my mom, it would be and always was.....about how much worse she had it....like a contest. Didn't even think of it that way. Thank you.

marycontrary....Thank you 

C....I am very sorry to hear that you experienced this also.    I am sure the anniversaries are big triggers and a time of introspection and reflection for you. Wow, that is an awful lot to go through. I do believe with certain friends it can be too much. It is unfortunate and can just add to what you are already dealing with. Thank you so much for what you said about my "mothering"  When I look back at my mom I remember so often thinking I was learning how NOT to be to my daughters. Not that all my mom did was bad, but so much of it was self serving and had N supply as the goal.  Thank you. I am finding that more and more here and it is such a blessing just having this in my life now. 

Kizzie........ Thank you  Yes, I am sure........so sad that we do feel that way and unfortunately,  definitely a learned thing. You are so right......she is handling it as well as anybody could under the circumstances. I appreciate you saying that. It is getting easier to share here This group is amazing!!!! You are right and it is soooo much healthier than my foo. Sometimes we just don't see it because we are so close. It means a lot having you guys point that out, and feels empowering in a way. 

Feeling much  better about things tonight and I owe it all to this group.

[Kizzie]

That's great news that the appointment went well and especially to hear that your DD is looking forward to starting a family again - now that is clear evidence that she has worked through the trauma of having a miscarriage and that comes from being open, having support - all the healthy things a family shouild be!   

[Milarepa]

Don't really have much to say other than that I'm sorry for your family's loss. 

[fairyslipper]

Thank you Milarepa  Talked to her today and she was in good spirits.