models of dissociation

[radical]

I've been looking for a slide show presentation I found online.  I tried to save it several times, but it didn't 'take', so I'll have to return with it later.

I have a problem with dissociation, yet it doesn't present in the traditional ways.  I scored .06% on the traditional diagnostic scale which puts me at the low end of normal.

I don't know if anyone can relate.  In different situations I have access to parts of my "personality" brain, memory etc. but not all of them.  It's a bit like if I were using a computer app like microsoft office - in different situations only some of the many functions are available in that particular type of situation.  For example in what I'll call "positive-social" situations I don't have access to fear or anger except at very high provocation.  I am often anxious but that is different to having access to fear.

This effectively puts me into an involuntary fawn, which is worsened in conditions in which threat becomes obvious - I have even less resources available to me in the moment.  Sometimes I have access to these emotions after I have left the situation, but the greater the threat, the less likely I am to remember it long-term.  All of which makes me a perfect target for abusers.

Also in situations which cause intense fear, my blood pressure and pulse either stay stable or drop (which is the opposite of what should happen).  My distress is not apparent to others except as a 'blankness'.  I become unable to respond.

I also have times (alone) in which I am overwhelmed by memories, fear and anger which aren't usually available or even accessible.  In those times those feelings are the only parts I can access. 

What I'm trying to describe is a kind of fragmentation which isn't obvious.  I have no different names, ages or identities, just shut-down aspects of myself, in which other parts of the programme aren't available.

Does this ring any bells with anyone else?

[Fightsong]

Fragmentation?  yes. that rings true,  i hear you. Apparently recognizing the fragmentation is happening is a first step towards reintegration.

[woodsgnome]

It seems that dissociation is many layered. Then again isn't this whole nightmare with cptsd?

Here's what I've learned, but will probably forget. It most recently happened during therapy when I half-apologized to the T by remarking something akin to "sorry, I seem to have been dissociating again."

She agreed with one caveat--"It's not wrong to dissociate; it's a natural reaction for someone who's been traumatized." So yes, that brought me back a bit, but it also made me realize how often I take dissociation a step beyond and lay a guilt trip on top. This stuff can then spiral into more bouts of self-blame: I'll never make it, I've failed, I'm stupid, etc.

So while dissociation happens and can seem like a roadblock, it's also an alright part of the process. It's just as important to accept its presence and go from there; and once past it, add in layers of self-compassion/forgiveness instead of harsh judgement, guilt and shame.

Minus the guilt...I'm left with wonder, which I can handle better (as in wonder-full). And while I used to be scared of how easily and often I'd dissociate, I can still experience it, wonder about it, but not shame myself about having succumbed to it in a natural way. I probably still dissociate more than I'd prefer; but accepting its natural presence better has helped me to put dissociation in a new light.

Just my take on what has been a squishy topic in my journey.