Regression

[Annegirl]

Is this anything to do with having CPTSD?
Because I noticed I first started regressing when I lost a baby at 4 mths gestation. He came out at home and I held him in my hand he was already dead and I haemorrhaged and needed blood transfusions and the Dr came and told me I almost didn't make it. The hospital told me I needed 3 mths complete bed rest because of the blood transfusions. My mother rang the hospital during that time and told me that she was coming to Australia to help me, I hadn't asked her she just "amazingly" offered the hospital asked me if I needed them to organise home help for me and I said "no my mother is coming"
Anyway a week later at home she rings me and tells me she's been invited to her cousin in Australia in a different state and her flight being paid for so she can't come anymore.
So I had no home help looking after 3 young children, my husband tried to help more but he works full time and he stressed a lot of the time during those months as I was too.
During that time I regressed. ie. I tried to escape from the real world, also was very suicidal but hadn't made a proper plan at that stage Is this part of CPTSD?
I was also self harming scratching my arms with objects over and over until I felt better.
I have stopped that now thanks to my now therapist, I rang her once about that and she said you are inflicting more pain on pain even though you think it's taking away your pain, you are adding to it.
She said why not " sit with the pain, feel it,  as pain can be your greatest teacher" after that every time something happened where I felt like self harming I would sit with it and start writing and then I started playing piano and songs came out ( I learnt piano from age 4-5) so I was astonished I could play. So now on soundcloud I have about 30 songs ( I've written more) all from times of pain and they are very healing to me and to others.

[MajorMalfunction]

I don't have an answer to your question, but I am very sorry that happened to you. My heart goes out to you for your loss and the callous way your mother treated you afterwards.

[Annegirl]

Thanks so much for your kind words Majormalfunction. They mean a lot.

[Badmemories]

I Just wanted to welcome you. Pretty heavy stuff You are going through. I brings back memeories to me. I lost a baby full term. You are also going through the loose of the baby and then having your monther dump you like that. Be gentle on Yourself. It sounds like You have found something to help you! {{{hugs}}}

[Annegirl]

Thank you bad memories,
That must have been worse losing a baby at full term. I'm so sorry. Thank you for your kind words, they mean so much.  Hugs

[emotion overload]

I am so sorry about your loss, and the fact that you had no help.  And I want to congratulate you for being able to sit thru the pain.  I try to do that, but I am rarely successful.

I think the suicidal thoughts and self harm are both part of CPTSD.  I sure hope so, because I have both of those issues.  My self harm is a bit more roundabout, with substances, food, and just general abuse of my body in whatever maladaptive coping mechanism I have available to me at the time. 

I think that it is really special that you were able to write those songs about your pain.  I hope that writing them was somewhat healing for you.  I envy you, that you have a creative outlet like that.

[Annegirl]

Thanks so much emotion overload.
I regressed  a lot before I was able to do that and I still swing back and forth but have never harmed myself since. The regression was so strange that's why I wonder if it is part of having Cptsd.
I believe that when we sit through the pain everyone naturally has a positive outlet, like creative or something. if we don't try to fight it or numb it. And I believe these things start helping those around us.

[Kizzie]

Anne, losing a child is difficult for anyone, but then having your M abandon you - that really was too much to bear, especially when you have suffered parental abuse/neglect as a child and then adult. From what you describe it does sound like a CPTSD reaction (present day stressors/pain are overlaid on childhood trauma and becomes too much). I'm so sorry you went through that. 

I must say that finding your way to the piano as an outlet and for healing was wonderful to read.  From what I have read, being able to first sit with the pain and feel it and then soothe and comfort yourself is a big step towards recovery. Songwriting is something you will be able to turn to to deal with pain rather than self-harming or dissociating.

[pam]

Maybe one good thing about regressing is that the good stuff from those days comes back too--your piano playing.

I'd say if you THINK you were regressed, then you were. It's not the same as "just remembering" how you felt. It's going back to feel it. I always have a hard time distinguishing these two things for my T. Anyway, I'd say chances are you were regressed because you sure had enough triggers in the present to send you back.

[Annegirl]

Yes, thank you Kizzie and Pam,
The things you say help me make sense of it. And not feel so bad and like I was/ am crazy.
Thanks so much