Slackjaw99's Journey to Inner Peace

[Slackjaw99]

Tomorrow I'll be 51 years and 3 months old. For 51 years and 2 months I suffered from a brain with the "fight or flight" switch stuck in the on position. As an infant, my cries for attention triggered my mother (a trauma victim herself) to recoil from rather than sooth me. I quickly learned to fear my emotions as a matter of survival- effectively eliminating access to the process by which humans discharge traumatic energy.

The mold was cast. I became a fearful and withdrawn child who preferred to play alone. I was easily bullied and ostracized. Were I to come home crying after being bullied, my mother's defensive reaction was to, at best, dismiss my distress, and at worst, ridicule my crying. While there was some physical abuse at home, the extreme emotional neglect and abuse took a far greater toll (the new ICD11 diagnosis misses the mark badly!). I was unable to make true human connection, yet to be accepted socially was all I craved. This set the pattern for my life- desperately seeking acceptance from women, from co-workers, from social groups, always coming across as weird, needy, or hiding something, getting rejected or ostracized, and slinking away in shame and self-hatred while adding yet more people and groups to my * list.

Each stop down the long road of cPTSD saw more and more loss until the resiliency of youth wore out and I began to give up. About 10 years ago I gave up on the idea of ever finding a life partner. About 3 years ago i gave up on trying to cultivate a career. Unemployed and friendless I was even bullied and ostracized by the HOA in a condo I was renting causing extreme agoraphobia. Along the way I took every psychotropic pill invented by Big Pharma, played whack-a-mole with at least a dozen different trauma-uninformed psychiatrists, psychologists, and social workers, and even spent a couple years institutionalized for "alcoholism". I reached the point of active contingency planning for my own euthanasia.

Despite the horrid omission from the new ICD11 diagnostic criteria, I was well qualified for a cPTSD diagnosis. An LCSW from one of the local medical groups diagnosed me with PTSD in lat 2015, but it wasn't until February 2017 that I became truly trauma-informed and diagnosed myself with cPTSD. Since then I made an effort to learn everything possible about the condition from the neuroscience to the psycho-dynamic theory and even the anthropological aspects of trauma within our hunter-gatherer forbearers. The most intriguing phenomenon I came across was the growing number of case studies of trauma victims being "cured" by plant medicine (psychedelic) infused therapy in just a few sessions. This includes the ongoing studies by MAPS.org with MDMA, as well as all the sensationalist articles about Ayahuasca ceremonies deep in the Amazon jungle. Contrast this to the reports of conventional therapy taking years if not decades to produce a significant reduction in symptoms.

This being the short version of my healing journey, suffice to say I was beyond blessed to have partaken in the benefits of psychedelic assisted therapy using cannabis extract. After a period of preparation and trial and error, I experienced four healing sessions over the course of two weeks involving trauma catharsis where visually I appeared as if in a grand mal seizure, and acoustically I produced a wailing sound that could only be described as blood curdling. There was much more to these sessions that I will expand on here, or can be gleaning from looking at my resent posts in other areas of this board. http://cptsd.org/forum/index.php?action=profile;area=showposts;u=3013

Since these sessions part of me is still thinking this is too good to be true, but as I witness my most debilitating symptoms evaporate after 50 years of * on earth, I'm reminded of the miracle I experienced. My goal now is to share more details of my experience in future posts as I'm convinced that "plant medicines" will be integral to fast track trauma therapy in the future.

[sanmagic7]

hey, slackjaw,

that's quite a bit of work you've done, and i'm really glad you found something that has helped you. 

i hope you're able to stay on the recovery trail, and enjoy newfound peace and relief in your life.   

[DecimalRocket]

Slackjaw, I agree with San. That's a lot of work done after several years. It must have been hard, yet rewarding. I don't know much about plant medicine therapy, but I'll be interested to hear from you.

I had a similar case where I looked beyond the conventional forms of treatment as well. As far as I know, while experts surely have gathered lots of knowledge that we can learn from, many of them have to count on reputation and money to fund their research. In a way, whoever owns the money and prestige owns an unfair control of how research is done and risks into areas that can bankrupt someone becomes more rare. As a science student, I've seen too many of those cases as I've studied.

So while taking account of their opinion, sometimes it's best to get your hands dirty to see for yourself. And I'm glad you did.

Take care.

[Slackjaw99]

I'm still taking stock of which symptoms have vanished and which remain after my catharsis sessions.

It seems the worst of my symptoms are gone- I'm hoping for good. This would include:
  - protracted, infantile temper tantrums brought on by the the slightest triggers
  - core self hatred- replaced by unconditional love of my IC self
  - core fragmentation of my IC (emotional self) has been re-integrated
  - somatic symptoms such as IBS, hyperhydrosis, exaggerated inflammatory response, ET, insomnia, etc.
  - anxiety, existential dread, abandonment depression, or whatever you choose to call it- replaced with an inner peace
  - inability to release traumatic energy- replaced with a solid method for release providing an "inoculation" against future trauma
*A bonus I've noticed is the ability to taper my anti insomnia, depressants, and anxiety meds by a good chunk each week with no adverse effects.

Unfortunately, and as probably to be expected, the bulk of my developmental arrests and dysfunctional (protective) habits / thinking patterns remain in full force. I described these cPTSD artifacts to my T as "orphaned protectors" because there is no longer a core wound to protect. Perhaps this would not be an issue with "conventional" trauma therapy over years and decades as developmental arrests would be addressed alongside attempts at trauma processing. Some of the issues I continue to struggle with include:
  - hyper vigilant thinking and habits including watching too much cable political news
  - struggles with staying in the present
  - lack of discipline and focus in completing complex tasks
  - continuing to engage in traditional dissociative behaviors not out of anxiety, but out of boredom given that my condition has robbed my life of constructive hobbies and social contact
  - the "pro-social" areas of my brain are still mostly dark

Given the traditional, three phased approach to trauma informed therapy I'm likely in uncharted waters. I've unexpectedly completed stage two and part of stage three before stage one (stabilization). My instinct tells me that from here on out it will take a great deal of mindfulness, willpower, and proper reparenting to peel away the layers of orphaned habits and behaviors born out of decades living with cPTSD. Until my developmental arrests are fixed, I think it makes sense to describe myself as "in remission" rather than cured.

All this said, my inner * is gone, so the challenges ahead are really quite trivial compared to the core injury that "plant medicine" has helped heal.

[Three Roses]

Plant based medicine has also helped me a lot. (I'm very tired right now and really should be sleeping... so I hope this makes sense!) I use a high CBD strain of cannabis and use it in edibles when necessary, which is decreasing.

You sound like you've done a lot of research; have you read either "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker or "The Body Keeps The Score"? I think both should be required reading for anyone wanting to educate themselves about CPTSD.

(Recently, the author of the latter book has been fired from the trauma center he founded, for alleged verbal abuse of subordinates. He has filed a lawsuit. I hope these events do not deter anyone from reading his book because, no matter what, it contains crucial insight and information for both survivors and clinicians working in the trauma field. If anyone's interested here's a recent article regarding this;
https://www.bostonglobe.com/opinion/letters/2018/03/14/with-van-der-kolk-another-case-workplace-conflict-plays-out-public-sphere/DYX2sZz4NoFiKMOA4hEmtJ/story.html )

[Slackjaw99]

have you read either "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving" by Pete Walker or "The Body Keeps The Score"?

Those were the first two I read. Pete Walker's writings on grieving were the psychotherapeutic blueprint for the dual awareness in my healing sessions. What a shame to hear about Van Der Kolk.