Hello * violence triggers

[DamascusRising157]

Hello everyone, I am joining this site as I grew up in a very dysfunctional family, thought I was ok and over it until last year when I picked up Dave walkers book on cptsd and attended a trauma workshop for work. I think this triggered something in me that cracked me open as I started getting nightmares and emotional flashbacks. I freaked out thinking I had a mental breakdown until I read Dave walkers book and it all finally made sense! I fully identified with having CPTSD despite never having heard this term before although I work in mental health. It was a relief to finally know why I had soo many symptoms like anxiety, panic attacks, depression, PTSD like flashbacks of DV in high school, binge eating, avoidant attachment , codependency and much more.  Realising all of this has helped me with recovery but dealing with the emotional flashbacks can be terrible.

My dad has NPD with traits of paranoid and antisocial  and was violent to me and my mum, nearly murdering her on 2 occaions. My my mum is great now but she was so caught up in surviving she didn't protect me and my brother and was emotionally neglectful and codependent. I've only just come out of the FOG with my mums family realising they all have codependency and Strong PD traits and my dads father suffered CSA. I'm in therapy on and off for 4 years now and a self help book addict.  I have been NC with my dad for 10 years but again had contact last year at my grandmothers funeral, where I also had to tell him he wasn't invited to my wedding. I think this was also a trigger for the flashbacks to reoccur.

I finally decided to join because I feel like no-one else really understands what I'm going through and how hard it is to continue to function 'normally'. Just last night I had a flashback dream to my fathering threatening to kill my mother  and I had to ring her at 3am terrified to make sure she was ok. Then I cried like a baby shaking in fear while in flashback to my terrified inner child and I'm 28.

Thanks for listening.

[Three Roses]

Hello and welcome, DamascusRising157! I'm glad you are here.

You paint a vivid picture of what it can be like to deal with re-awakened childhood trauma. I was so sorry to hear that you had to go thru such a rough childhood. But I'm thankful you and your mom & brother made it out alive.

Walker's book on CPTSD is practically required reading around here. I'm going to recommend the only other book I've read on this subject, "The Body Keeps The Score". It was fascinating to read about the effects trauma can have on the brain, not just our minds.

I have only recently started to deal with my childhood in therapy, and I've been surprised to learn that although PTSD & CPTSD are recognized in the latest DSM, the treatment for them is no different (at least, not at my HMO). I had to explain to my therapist that "complex" doesn't mean complicated, but that there is more than one traumatic event.

Hopefully, the growing number of people (especially within the mental health care community) who are reaching a new understanding of CPTSD will help to bring about a change in the way it's handled and treated.

Again, welcome and thanks for joining!

[Rebel62]

DamascusRising157. I can relate to your story. I have always felt like I handled my anxiety well, and it hasn't been until the last year when my daughter started having mental health issues that I realized what has been there all along.  I've always had the memories of the abuse (I also witnessed my father's attempted murder of my mother when I was 10 years old) that I witnessed and experienced (or at least some of it), but was able to push it aside and was able to harness my anxiety to really build a fairly successful life. Now I cannot push it aside and I experience EF's on a daily basis. My father, the best I can guess, was BPD and NPD at a severe level. 

Three Roses. This part of you comment struck home.

I've been surprised to learn that although PTSD & CPTSD are recognized in the latest DSM, the treatment for them is no different (at least, not at my HMO). I had to explain to my therapist that "complex" doesn't mean complicated, but that there is more than one traumatic event.

I've done a lot of reading on the differences between PTSD & CPTSD and differences in treatment. I think it is important to find a therapist that knows what C-PTSD is and how to treat it. I'm not sure I'm going to find that in my area.

[bring em all in]

Welcome, DamascusRising157

I'm relatively new here but have already found much information and excellent support. In addition to The Body Keeps the Score I have benefitted greatly from Donna Jackson Nakazawa's Childhood Interrupted.

[mourningdove]

Welcome, DamascusRising! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Damascus     Walker's book definitely gets right into the depths of Complex PTSD and many us immediately see ourselves in what he writes.  There is one comment in the front of a book in which the writer says it is almost as if Walker wandered around inside of him and then wrote a book about him.  I certainly felt that way.  Anyway, it can be quite triggering though to see in black and white what you have been struggling with for so long.   

I can also understand that you work in mental health and had not heard of CPTSD.  Unfortunately the diagnosis of Complex PTSD was not included as a distinct construct in the 2015 edition American Psychological Association's Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders. Regardless, researchers and clinicians regularly accept and use the term (or alternately Complex Trauma and for children, Developmental Trauma), but it just hasn't quite trickled out widely to the therapeutic community or to other organizations who provide services (e.g., disability, employment accommodations) as yet. 

There is enough clinical evidence, however, that it will be included in the 11th version of the World Health Organization's (WHO) International Classification of Diseases (ICD11) to be published in 2017-2018.  Until then many of us have to advocate for ourselves and find treatment and services that are trauma informed, including or especially about Complex PTSD. There are three additional symptoms than those which develop with PTSD and thus additional treatment is called for.  There is some additional info here:

- http://www.outofthestorm.website/the-diagnosis-of-complex-ptsd
- http://www.outofthestorm.website/symptoms/

There are also some forms and information sheets which may be helpful here - http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/

[DamascusRising157]

Thankyou all for your warm welcome and you're book recommendations! I am half way through Bessel van der kolks book and finding it hard reading but so interesting and helpful. I find any book that relates to trauma I have to read it in small bits or it is too overwhelming. I have also read Childhood Disrupted which was a big moment of realisation why I have some auto immune diseases and other physical issues. I found the first half of it depressing but the second half was so valuable in how to heal. I am really wanting to focus on healing myself this year to what is possible and realistic, although I know it will be a lifelong process.