Trigger warning - EF'ing and angry and crying

[Wife#2]

I was trying to hold it together, but fell apart. And started crying and told a coworker what the rest of our crew had done to hurt my feelings. AND I'M SO MAD!!!! At them for triggering me. At myself for being triggered. At myself for not holding it together and for not keeping my big mouth shut and for being such a big whiney crying baby.

DAM**********. I wish I had locks on these doors. So one of the ladies, one of the nicer ones, comes over all full of apologies. Then, I can't not cry. So, now I'm the stupid over-reacting ** head who cries all over everyone for not good reason. Because it isn't just them failing to say anything to me, or include me, or remember me even after paging the plant and inviting others over. It's part of it, but there's all this childhood ** also.

I'm not better, but I've got to dry my tears and get this ** job done so I can go to lunch and get away from this place for an hour.

)^(&$#$%)*&^)*%^(*^&)*&(^(&#$S*%$#*&(%^)&*(^_*)_) 

[mourningdove]

I'm not sure exactly what to say, because it's easy to imagine how showing emotion at a job could be risky. But that does not mean that anything is wrong with you for getting emotional. It is a social problem that the expression of emotions is pathologized. It's only human to cry when we are upset. I hope your day gets easier, Wife#2. 

[Three Roses]

A person can only take so much, Wife. And you've been flooded lately!

Any reasonable human would see that you'd just reached your breaking point. I'm sure your coworkers have all had similar reactions at times, and I hope they'll express their support and understanding.

You held it together for the holidays, now it's time to take care of YOU.

[Wife#2]

Thank you, ladies, for the hugs. They mean a lot to me. Really!

Now that I've got away for an hour and had my lunch and calmed down (I have one of the best people in the world as a friend here), I can look at it for what it is.

I was upset because our department had decided to have a party. Most of them, including the boss, have desks across the building. I am alone in my office on the other side. The boss bailed and didn't tell me. I had already given her my contribution to the party. She didn't tell the others or give them my offering. They decided to hold the party anyway. When I was over by their desks, I still wasn't told that it was definitely going to happen. I went to my office and got my work done. I smelled the good food they'd brought, but figured they'd call me when it was time. Then, I saw other coworkers walk by my office with the food. Still nothing. Then, I heard pages go out to some who were invited, but needed to be told to stop by for their food. More people, not from our department, walked by my office with food. Still, I hadn't heard a peep. I couldn't exactly get up and go over there - my job is time sensitive and had to be done first.

My break point was when one of the group came in my office asking for a breath mint. I realized she'd already participated. She asked if I had liked the food. I told her I had never been called to say it was time! She was shocked. I got angry when I talked about it. She got angry on my behalf, saying she was going to tell them they'd hurt my feelings by not including me. I asked her not to, that I was being emotional and would get over it shortly. I asked her again to please not say anything, that I would be fine, I just needed a moment to calm down. After she left, I closed my office doors.

As I was typing the post above, one of the 'offenders' walked in, all full of remorse about how they'd treated me. Another was calling on the phone. I refused to answer the phone, but couldn't prevent the first from walking in. That's when the tears started for real. I told her it was about more than just being excluded and that I would be fine, I just needed some time to calm down. Finally, she left my office. That's when I finished the post above.

Through tears, I finished my work (like I said, time sensitive, I HAD to get it done). At last, it was lunch time and I got out of here. My friend listened as I told her what had happened - she had an idea, but wasn't going to be pushy with me. She's known me enough to know that by the time tears start, I just have to work it out. We talked about other, much more fun stuff. By the time I just got back to work, things are much better.

The offenders made a plate, after I told them to please not, and they may be irritated that I haven't gone over there to accept their apologies and take the left-overs plate. Too bad. They will have to deal with that as much as I have to deal with the hurt in the first place.

It's just that being forgotten, overlooked and ignored are HUGE triggers for me. Most of the time, I can swallow it and not let it visibly get to me. Today, that didn't happen. There were other things going on in my life and that was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  I'm better now, able to work with office doors open.

Your hugs have helped make that possible! 

[Spirals]

Hi, Wife#2

I'm glad you feel better. Here is some extra electronic support 

And an electronic party that the offenders can't ruin for you 

That really sucks, though. I have also had meltdowns at work during  particularly stressful times in my life. I usually get very angry and I've even went on a rant before. It's one of the least pleasant events in my life.

I actually find that the workplace is very triggering for me, too. I have a huge thing about favoritism (unless the favorite is competent) and unfair/immature authority figures. So I totally see how being excluded and ignored could set you off!

[Dee]

I would have cried.  I would have tried to leave the building before the tears became a flood.  I would have been embarrassed and hoped no one noticed.  I would have wished there was a hole I could of crawled into.  I think I might of dwell on it for days.

I think considering the circumstances you did very well.  Perhaps better than any of us could hope for. 

[sanmagic7]

dammit, that sucks.  i'll be at the party spirals set up.   looks like a lot more fun than some stupid office party with a bunch of poopyheads.  and you'll be our party queen.   i'd love to knock the snot outta them!!!  you rock!!!    

[Wife#2]

  Thank you all!

Dee - if it had been an option that still kept my job, I would have done what you said. I wanted to. I count myself lucky that I have an office with doors - even if they don't lock. That helped.



I'm in for that party - and I'll even bring the ham/pickle rolls (turkey rolls for any non-pork friends. Sorry, vegans, the cream cheese is kind of a primary ingredient). ::: Doing my happy dance - making people laugh :::

Hubby was great this weekend, helping me to feel less depressed. He really is trying and I love him all the more for it.