Symptoms?

[sorrygirl]

I f I can, I would like to share a few of my principals symptoms. 1st time ever that I'll share this.

I feel hyper vigilance most of the time. I always observ other's facial expression and tone of voice to be sure that they are not angry at me.

I am mostly  very anxious when I drive by myself and going home. Without noticing it, i'm asking myself if my husband will be in a good mood. Like I want to prepare myself for the worse.

If my husband doesn't answer my phone call or texting during the day, I sincerely assume that i did something wrong and he's mad at me. I will have a panic attack immediately, I will shake and I dissociate from myself, like i'm in a daze. Even if I don't know if it's the case!!!

I pick on my tumb's skin close to the nail

If someone is angry at me I'll shake, I'll violently critic myself for having made a mistake or an action that made someone angry at me. I'll do anything to be forgiven, ANYTHING. Like being overly friendly, buy gift, helping when they don't ask,...

Just writing this gives me anxiety. It's a lot for me at the moment.

[Lingurine]

Sorrygirl, I'm so sorry you feel like this and I know it takes a lot of courage to talk about it. I know what you mean. Is there by any chance a history of abuse? I know my past is like that and when abused, people are hyper vigilant. Scared to do something wrong, because abused as a child and thinking the abuse was their fault. Hoping by anticipating, the abuse would not happen.
I Hope that's not the case with you.

We are trained as a child to observe and anticipate at the behavior of others. It's exhausting really.

Lingurine

[sorrygirl]

Lingurine, I was not abused but I was highly critisized and forbidden to show any anger whatsoever.

[joyful]

I was highly critisized and forbidden to show any anger whatsoever.

In my book at least, that is abuse. Just my opinion though

i also have many of the same symptoms that you do, because of the emotional abuse of my past.
Be kind to yourself as you're realizing these things and their potential causes. It can hurt so badly, but I believe that processing is better than living in survival mode or denial.
Take care of YOU 

[Lingurine]

In my book that is abuse too. It sometimes is hard not to condone the things that happened. It took me a long time before I could admit that I was abused by my parents. The abuse comes in many shapes and forms sadly enough. Deep down we know the truth about it.

Lingurine

[sorrygirl]

Maybe I'm not ready to face the reality, but i find that the word abuse is way too strong for what happened to me.

My parents never yelled at me, never called me names, they never hit me.

Yes, I had to be daddy's little perfect girl and I had to always be good and never reply to him and that my step mother was harsh on me, but so many of you had it way harder than me!

[Healing Finally]

Hi sorrygirl  I totally understand where you are coming from!!  It took me YEARS to even BEGIN to acknowledge that I experienced "abuse" as a child.  I didn't experience physical, sexual, or verbal abuse; but I now I know, I did experience emotional trauma.  Yes, abuse is harsh word!!  It's sad and scary to think one was abused as a child.

As Lingurine says, abuse comes in many shapes and forms.  If you are here, and considering the symptoms you are describing, then you have experienced abuse.

The only way I could acknowledge my abuse was after I acknowledged that I have CPTSD.  It's totally obvious as I experience emotional flashbacks that set me off for days, and I'm hyper vigilant and can disassociate.  I've been diagnosed Bi-Polar and take meds for it, but now I really think my emotional reactions and outbursts are due to my cptsd being triggered, and not due to wonky brain chemistry.

Thought to share, my parents were really strict.  I was the good girl, always wanting to do the right thing.  They had high expectations which created anxiety for me as I never seemed to live up to their dreams.  I had a sister that is uNPD and due to her demanding ways, I forever put my needs on the backburner (just to make things easier for everyone!)  My Mom has always been enmeshed with my sister, which puts me in the scapegoat position (so no one has to acknowledge their unhealthy relationship.)

Even now I am being abused, as my family goes along with my sister's wishes to keep me out of the picture (more to that story, been going on 3 years.)  My abuse has always been subtle and behind the scenes (gaslighting is the word.)

As you have mentioned a stepmom, I would imagine you went through some anguish when your parents got divorced?  It sounds like the new wife your father chose has some issues with anger, possibly jealousy?

Just know we are there for you! 

[sorrygirl]

As you have mentioned a stepmom, I would imagine you went through some anguish when your parents got divorced?  It sounds like the new wife your father chose has some issues with anger, possibly jealousy?

Just know we are there for you! 

What complicated things is that my dad left and 1 year later my mother left and i had to go live with my father. They are not bad people and they love me, but by being highly sensitive i guess a lot of things hurt me.

Thank you for your kind word ❤️