CPTSD sounded quite harmless to me as I was first diagnosed

[keepfighting]

Hi, everyone,

I grew up in a family with an overt NPD father and a covert NPD mother.  I was the oldest of 4, the SG, the maid and 'mother' to my siblings. At an early age, I was already saddled with a lot of responsibilities (I started writing a journal on my 8th birthday and it already speaks of me having to cook for the family when my mom was away because my father refused to do 'woman's work').

When my oldest kid was 2 years old, I went into therapy. My earliest memory of abuse by my mother goes back to the time when I was about 2 1/2 years old and as my child approached that age, I could no longer deny (to myself) that I had had a bad childhood and that I needed help.

I was diagnosed with PTSD and mild depression. When I first heard that, I was soooo relieved - I had thought there was something 'seriously wrong' with me and this sounded harmless enough (my mother had often told me when I cried over something that had happened that I was a total mental case and would be committed to a mental unit should I ever look for help). I got CBT and that stabilized my symptoms. My t also gave me some tools to battle on. All in all I was happy with the results of the t.

Last year, I had some minor medical problems that were misdiagnosed and maltreated by my GP. As a result, infection spread through parts of my body and left me (nearly) immobilized for a few months and I went into a major depression. So I recontacted my therapist. We discussed a lot of things and she told me that I did in fact have CPTSD and recommended a few books and exercises to help me some more - as well as help me get out of my depression.

By now I understand that there is nothing harmless about CPTSD. It is a lifelong struggle and even though there are times when I feel quite ok, it doesn't take much to let my old fears and insecurities destroy my inner peace.

I'm glad I found this forum (through Out of the Fog). IRL I hardly ever talk about this.

Thanks for reading.

keepfighting

[globetrotter]

Welcome Keep! Thanks for sharing.

[Kizzie]

Hi and Welcome to OOTS KeepFighting! 

I'm sorry you had to go through such a major illness and then find out you have CPTSD which as you say involves ongoing work on our part to manage.  It's adding insult to injury isn't it?  PTSD is no picnic in the park to be sure, but when you are diagnosed with CPTSD and realize it does involve additional symptons it can be a real blow. In an odd way it can be also a bit of a relief to find out that we are NOT crazy or broken, but are dealing with injuries to our psyche or sense of self which is less the case in PTSD. 

One of the things we do share with PTSD though is being triggered by certain things - people, sights, smells even.  You mentioned that sometimes you feel OK and but then something happens and your sense of inner peace is destroyed.  Have you been able to identify some of your triggers?  I see that you are a member of OOTF so I imagine people who act in a personality disordered (PD) manner are probably one major trigger.  I actually have left a couple of jobs because I was so triggered by someone who acted in a PD fashion, and certainly my family of origin (FOO) are a big source.   What I didn't realize is that when I am triggered I have emotional flashbacks EFs), overwhelming feelings that tip the world on its side almost, and I feel really shakey and like everything is a little surreal. So before I found out what they were I did feel like I was losing it and maybe was going or had arrived at crazy, but then it would pass. *?!   No wonder so many of us feel like we're going crazy!  I read about EFs in Pete Walker's book CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving and it was a huge aha moment - "Oh so that's what's been happening, well now it makes more sense."  Do you get these at all?

I'd be interested in hearing about the books and exercises your therapist (T) recommended. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) is helpful I've found, but it doesn't get at the trauma does it? I am looking for a good T to help work through all of that "residual goo" as a friend of mine calls it and learn how to defuel those darn EFs.     

Glad you found your way here KF, I'm looking forward to reading your posts 

[keepfighting]

Hi, Kizzie and globetrotter,

thanks for the warm welcome!

Kizzie, you're absolutely right when you say that getting the diagnosis CPTSD was a lot to take in - but also kind of a relief because it made sense.

I'm not sure how much some of the books might mean to you since two of them are in Dutch. As far as I can tell they haven't been translated into English. For one of them I think it's a shame because it's very insightful and validating and offering (realistic) perspectives of a brighter future for adult survivors of a toxic childhood.

Some of the exercises that helped me a lot were:

- Exercises to help me differentiate more emotions than the 4 basic ones (fear-joy-desperation and sadness). They were aimed at recognizing the different physical symptoms that accompany different emotions and to bring down the intensity of (negative) emotions into recognizable sizes that are easier to deal with. Basically, 'jittery' is easier to deal with than fullblown 'fear'.  It was surprisingly difficult - still haven't mastered it completely.
- Exercises that let you feel the (negative) emotion but at the same time knowing it's in the past and you're safe in the present. My t called it the 'cinema experience': The emotions are real but there is no actual hurt or danger to your person.

I'm reading Pete Walkers book right now (little pieces at a time). I think it has a lot to offer.

Well it's a long journey and I'm glad there are people here who understand and are willing to offer support and validation.

keepfighting

[Kizzie]

I had to read Pete Walker's book a bit at a time too KF - it's a lot to take in.  I loved finding myself in all that he wrote though, and even if it's going to be a bit of journey at least I feel like I am on the right path finally.

[Annegirl]

Can you tell me the books keepfighting I can read Dutch.
I am happy you have found this forum.
Sending you lots of love.

[keepfighting]

Hi, annegirl,

funny you should be able to read Dutch  .

The book is called "Niemandskinderen" and the author is Carolien Roodvoets. I hope you can get hold of a copy.

kf

[Rain]

This is the second time I've read your intro, keepfighting.   How can I keep being stunned with what parents do and say to their offspring?   This is awful what you went through, kf!!   

Gracious to tell a child that "Crying = Being a Mental Case."   Emotions Are Insanity. 

I have a question for you, and for Cat ...have either of you considered a side career of translating these books to English, such as Niemandskinderen, for the authors?

A    for you.    I wish you health and healing!

Rain

[keepfighting]

Seeing this thread coming back alive was quite a surprise. 

Gracious to tell a child that "Crying = Being a Mental Case."   Emotions Are Insanity.   

Lovely mother there ...like NOT!   So very sick.    NPD.


I have a question for you, and for Cat ...have either of you considered a side career of translating these books to English, such as Niemandskinderen, for the authors?

Seems like you've met my mother, Rain.  She is a covert NPD, very passive-aggressive and sometimes she drops the 'passive' part... I've been NC with her for 13+ years now but the smear campaigns still continue (...perfect way to portrait herself as the 'victim' again... )

Maybe it would be a good idea to contact Carolien Roodvoet and ask her if she and her publisher might consider an English version of her book(s) She has written at least 2 books though I've only ever read the one. The reviews of the other one are also quite good. "Niemandskinderen" is a very powerful book, IMO.

I was distressed to read about your misdiagnosis and the consequences for you. The medical profession can be as harmful as it is helpful sometimes. I've been through that too. It takes a good long while to fit everything together again and forge ahead. How are you feeling these days?

 

I am so sorry you also had bad experiences with the medical profession. 

So many good people in that profession and yet one rotten apple can seriously harm you, body and soul.

I am doing better now, thank you for asking.  'Living' more than 'existing' only. I still have to take meds to deal with the aftermath of that misdiagnosis (which was on Feb. 17th 2013!). The meds are working well but slowly and the side effects are decidedly not nice and some of them might be permanent. I don't let myself worry about that now - I try to focus on the things I can do again and am grateful for every bit of health and mobility that came back already. I can even work out again (not the same programme as before but still!) which also provides a good 'flight' response on occasion. 

Best wishes to both of you! 

kf