but not forgotten *trigger warning*

[Kittysnotthere]

So I still hate him. My ex husband and I had been married just over a year in 2004 when he started doing these "sessions." He would pretend to leave the house and then sneak back in and attack me. He would choke me out and I would wake up tied up; he would cut and burn me while raping me for 3-4 hours. Then he would deny it happened or claimed we just had kinky sex. It scared me.

I went through 8 months of him doing this. When I finally got someone to believe me and it helped me leave. We had moved and gotten a roomate who walked in on it. I had called the cops twice already but they wouldn't help or pursue charges. I couldn't get into a shelter without him having charges on him. The roommate moved out and said would testify for me. I then got ready to leave. My husband figured it out and attacked me. He beat me and then cut himself and was trying to put the knife in my hand. I got out of the apartment and down the stairs and pulled the handrail out of the wall. I tried to pull his hands off me, brace myself on the walls, anything. He got me back inside the apartment and threw me across the floor and then choked me out. There was a witness. He realized he couldn't do the original plan so he tried to wake me up and that's when he couldn't. The witness said she heard him saying "oh f**k she's dead." I had an NDE. I woke up after no pulse for a couple minutes.  He then raped me and when the cops showed up tried to claim it was just a fight. He was arrested.

I thought it was finally over. I got a protective order. But I underestimated him. His dad had died a few years before but had been a defense attorney in that county. We were poor. Records disappeared. Suddenly the witnesses were scared and wouldn't testify. And I got to see how broken our judicial system is. There was alot of hate. Anger. Acting out. Because I didn't want to admit the fear. I was 23 and this guy had violated every bit of me and I had the scars to prove it and it would always be there.

The scars have faded but I can still see them. I made the mistake of tanning and then helping out at a church this summer. A parent was looking at me strangely; probably thinking I'm a cutter. I didn't know what to say. Hey, my psycho sexual sadist ex did this to me please trust me with your kids? I passed a background check already to be there. What do you say?

[mourningdove]

Oh my gosh, what happened to you was awful beyond description. I hate him, too, and I'm glad that you are out of that situation.

[MLG83]

I know it sounds like a lame cop-out response but I feel your pain

[Three Roses]

It is bewildering to be abused by someone you love. The ultimate mind *. Especially when it's a spouse that you've chosen to be with, over all others! You chose them - and they did this.

All the little things you shared with each other, the laughter and good times, all fly out the window the first time they show you who they really are. And then you're just confused! A person can feel guilty, thinking (as you're told by the abuser) that it is you that is making them do this - a person can feel alone, when no one will believe you - a person can feel threatened and betrayed, scared out of their wits, afraid of dying - betrayal is so painful, it never comes from a stranger and it happens when they hurt you just to make themselves feel better. I am so very saddened to hear that this happened to you.

As for what people are thinking - I try to not even guess what they are thinking when they look at me. After all, who can know? They can be just as easily feeling nothing but compassion for you, or thinking about what they want to make for dinner. I don't even wonder about it anymore. I try to only deal with their actions and words and not worry about all the other stuff I can never know - it just makes me crazy.

You are welcome here. I hope you find the same understanding and compassion that many of us have found here. Thank you for honoring us with telling your story, and for joining our forum.

[Kittysnotthere]

You are right, ThreeRoses. I feel duped because I knew him for two years before it started happening and I would have told you he would never hurt me like that. I have a hard time trusting anyone at all because I never know if they are going to turn on me. I'm friendly but I don't like to let people in.