How to start working on feelings, rather than purely reading about it.

[Hope66]

Hi everyone,

I am guilty of having recently ploughed through 3 books - in quick succession, and having many 'A-ha' moments whilst reading them, and making numerous notes as I read - and in my head, I was thinking about how I would 'do some work' to focus on my feelings and try out some of the suggestions within the books - but somehow I am managing to 'avoid' this work - I'm wondering if I'm scared of what might happen.

I just wanted to share that here - somehow it feels better to have written about it.

If anyone has any thoughts or comments - I would love to hear them.

Thank you.

Hope   

[Eyessoblue]

Hi, yes that was me too, I ordered every self help book I could possibly found and read each cover to cover in a very short space of time. Then I sat down with pen and paper and thought right I'll just try this excercise then put the pen down and went off to do something else then came back picked the pen up and just stared at it for ages, thoughts kept coming but I kept pushing them away then thought this is stupid it won't work and didn't go back to it. Do you find you dissociate over things related to your trauma? I do it all the time and bury it away so it's never dealt with. Don't think I can or maybe want to deal with it-not sure which it is. I have my first cbt appointment tomorrow, the negative inner critic is telling me it will be a waste of time and it won't work! Just hate my inner critic and want it to disappear!

[woodsgnome]

It's natural to seek out new ways of dealing with emotional pain, such as you're doing with the reading. It's also natural to back off a bit. Even if the old ways are painful, they at least represent the known, versus the potential that any new way can end up seeming like just more failure.

Still the old pain gnaws, but maybe that's a good thing--it keeps us looking, even if sometimes in desperation mode to find a sure way ahead. The trick is to be cautious, as you're doing; but if and when you do decide on something that appeals to you, perhaps consider re-wording the phrase 'work on it' to something like 'playing with options. For me, the playful element allows the Inner Child a say in re-framing what I'm doing. Play is the Inner Child's viewpoint, even if the 'outer' child was put down in the past. 

In my case, I've gone through several rounds of exploring options I read about. Some of what I tried didn't pan out per expectations; but the Inner Child doesn't stop, and is somehow still curious enough to find another option to the puzzle.

Later on the stale adult side kicks in with its doubts; but if one can keep the Inner Child frame of mind, I think it might help. At the very least, it might lessen the tendency towards harsh self-judgement and/or trying to find just one way forward.

[Max]

Hi Hope,
Like you I started reading a bunch of books, but I wish I had actively thought about how to work on feelings.  I am not sure where you are in your healing, or if this is what you are referring to.  I can share some things that have been helpful for me.  I am in my late 50s and only recently realized I had been stuffing feelings my entire life.  Counseling has definitely helped including group counseling.  Prior to that I was only aware of my two main feelings, anger and hurt which could be interchangeable for me. In group therapy they handed out a feelings chart to help identify all of the many others. We would deliberately share how we were feeling.  You can find those charts on the internet too.

Just naturally I started noticing my usual feelings (anger and hurt) in my long term relationship and was eventually better equipped to not react over certain behaviors that would normally trigger me into a no win never ending emotional argument.  I was always left to feel that my feelings are not important and are my problem.   I am now able to calmly and logically respond by explaining why and how it makes me feel, because I understand it better.  When he responds defensively, I remind him that my feelings are not about him, I continue and lets just say he is also learning his part in our dysfunction.  VS those circular arguments. New relationships I have found much more difficult.  With me being retired there are hardly any of those but a completely different experience. So I would say relationships are important in working through feelings and the closer the relationship the more complicated. 

Not sure if this will be helpful for you.  I am very impressed with your direction and bravery.     I was overwhelmed and not sure what direction to take in my focus.       

[sanmagic7]

hey, hope,

i thought it was interesting that you wrote that you were 'guilty' of reading a bunch of self-help books.  maybe that's an underlying emotion that keeps you from getting to some of your real emotions - you feel guilty about feeling what you feel towards people and situations in your life.  that guilt could be keeping you from your true emotions, like somehow you're being bad or betraying someone if you allow yourself to feel them.

it can be very frightening to tap into our emotions when we've stuffed them for so long in so many ways.  they might feel alien to us, uncomfortable, because they're unknown.  if i may suggest, go slowly with this.  find something that packs a very small 'punch' for you, and tackle that one first.  start small, go slow.  you'll find your way, of that i have no doubt.  you've already taken the first step by writing about it, reaching out for feedback.   big hug.

[Hope66]

Hi Eyessoblue, Woodsgnome, Max & Sanmagic,

Thank you all so much for your replies - and each of you have helped me - I am so glad I posted my query - it is incredibly validating to receive such helpful and useful replies - thank you all!   

I'd like to reply to you all:

Eyessoblue - I appreciate your reply very much, and for sharing your tendency to dissociate - I also do that, very much so - and I bury my feelings away.  I really hope that your first CBT session has gone well, and that you are finding it helpful in enabling you to work with your inner critic in a healing way.  I am going to try to pay attention to when I might be dissociating and try to stay in the present moment more.  I'll see how it goes.  Good luck to you and thanks so much for your thoughtful reply.

Woodsgnome - I relate a lot to the things you said, and thank you so much for responding.  It is a scary prospect for me to be looking at new ways of dealing with emotional pain, but I know I need and want to do this.  The old ways are more familiar, but I would love to be able to appreciate all my feelings - both good and bad and learn and grow and be more present in daily life.  I want to find out 'who' I am - rather than who I was conditioned to be by my family of origin.  I found it incredibly helpful to think about changing my view of 'working on it' to 'playing with options' - that is such a helpful way of thinking about it.  I love your re-framing in such positive terms, and I want to enable my Inner Child to blossom and live - and hopefully that will help me find another option to the puzzle - and I hope to nurture my Inner Child's frame of mind.  I am looking forward to exploring that.  Thank you!

Max - You have definitely helped me with your thoughtful and supportive reply - thank you - I really appreciate it.  When you mentioned that group counselling has helped you - I admit I thought 'Wow, you are sooooo brave to do that' - I feel I couldn't step into a group setting - and you did it, and not only that - you found it really helpful.  The feelings chart sounds interesting, and I know that I find it difficult to label my feelings - and identify them - so that is something I will try to explore.  It's great that you've found it helpful in your interactions with your partner, and I do agree with you that relationships are the place to explore things - but that closer relationships are likely to be more complicated.  I am going to be mindful of that.  Thank you. 

Sanmagic - How interesting that you noticed my language - in terms of feeling 'guilty' about reading self-help books - you're so right!  I completely relate to that - it is spot-on.  I feel like I'm carrying an immense amount of 'guilt' about this whole thing - feeing as if I'm betraying my family of origin - who brought me up - but who I now realise deprived me of many core things - I can relate to so many words about that - in terms of criticising myself for being so 'ungrateful' - I have had numerous back aches and pains as if I'm carrying that guilt - but I DO want to see the underlying emotions - and I am getting glimpses of some that have lain buried for so many years - beginning to get in touch with anger for example, which was repressed and out of sight, but which is bubbling up sometimes when I least expect it.  I appreciate your suggestion to go 'slowly' - and start with something that represents a 'small punch' - and I will try to 'start small' and 'go slow' - that makes a lot of sense - thank you!   I also really appreciate the big hug.  Sending you a big hug back.   

I am so glad I posted my question - because everyone has been amazing in giving me such helpful replies - so thank you all again.  Your words remain in my mind, like helpful hands that are supportive and I wish you all a great weekend - it's nearly here!   

Hope