Feeling at home and feeling your own worth

[Candid]

for the past two years of NC, I have felt horrible. Not always guilty, but more like sad I don't have the real family I thought, who just needed to come to terms with their behavior. I really thought one day my mom would realize what she's done and apologize. I guess that would mean that she would finally "see" me. I've accepted that now, and really don't even like her, so I don't care about that anymore. I just hate that it's resulted in everyone else having a family except for me, because of "my" choice.

I hear you, Phoebes. I'm in the same boat.

it's very sad that we can't have the families we wanted.  i share in your grief.   big hug.

, and a from me to both of you.

[hurtbeat]

Continuing my recovery diary:

I've visited ACA and I'm planning on doing it again when my workshift is over, and by doing so I will attempt to implement some better thinking and trying to be present a little bit more.

I think I rushed myself too hard last time and I could feel it like chest pain.
It's either me re-hashing my boring old worries or just feeling severe chest pain, I prefer to re-hash because the chest pain is scary and makes me think my body can't handle it.
Somehow I need to get this energy out of me, but I'll try to not be such a perfectionist about it this time.

[sanmagic7]

good for you, hurtbeat, for realizing such things as going too fast or taking on too much at once.  that's progress, in my book.  well done! 

that perfectionism and impatience thing can really do a number on us, set us back when we wanted to move forward.  i guess that's why people talk about slow and small steps.  it's something i've had to work on a lot. 

i've gotten chest pain when i've felt afraid, and have finally been able to recognize it as that.  my next step is to explore what it is i'm afraid about.  i don't know if you relate to that or not, but it's helped me understand a lot more how my body is talking to me when i haven't been able to access my emotions immediately.

sounds like you're doing just what you need to do for you.  very smart!     

[hurtbeat]

Thanks san! 

Yep, I'm trying it again.
I've already gone ahead in my mind and made a plan for how I should work out more and eat better but that's just the perfectionist talking.
No running into walls this time.. but no blaming myself if I do..

Why is it so hard to stay mindful and present?
So easy and yet so hard.

[hurtbeat]

Ah.. this morning as I travelled home from my workshift by train and saw the sun break out from the stormy clouds and shine down upon the fields..
I felt some sort of satisfaction, joy.
Not that everything's perfect, it's just that I think I found my centre for a bit and it felt so damn good!

More of this, please life!
Must stay awake and savour this calm relaxed and joyful presence within me before it goes away into everyday grey bladida- feeling again.

What did I do?
I guess I had a thought about life just being life and that everything that counts is my inner life and my headspace.
How I find pleasure in everyday work in order to promote happiness.. food, clean space, some creative things to do, pleasure of all sorts.

It finally came together for a bit.
I hope this feeling digs deep pathways into my brain now, dig deep!

[sanmagic7]

keep talking to your brain, and it will.  mind over brain, like in the movie 'a beautiful mind'.  i've been doing it, it's been working.  i'm glad you found that place - it is a good feeling, isn't it!  you go!   

[hurtbeat]

I've begun to visit a 12-step group every week or so, depending on my work schedule.
And I feel like it's helping, I'm already beginning to re- evaluate some old beliefs and feel relief in the fact that we just listen to each other unreservedly.
It's refreshing to not take responsibility for any other recovery but my own.

Also re-evaluating my view on men, things I find sexy are twisted.
I'd like to turn it around and start to like healthy men instead and despise destructive behaviours.

[sanmagic7]

good going, hurtbeat!  really glad you're finding something on a regular basis that is bringing positivity into your life.  love it!