An EF trigger ephiphany

[confident]

So I've been relatively confined with DS lately as we have one vehicle and DH is driving back and forth to work during the week when he doesn't find a carpool. Yesterday I had an epiphany when I was out with my best friend getting a beer. 

I'm on constant high alert, stressed out, hyper-vigilant, and near the brink of panic attack ANY TIME I AM HOME.

I mean, did you read that?

Any. Time. I. Am. Home.

This was incredibly revealing for me. I was happy, at ease, laughing, talking about things that interested me while I was at the pub.  It was the first time I'd felt that way in a couple weeks at least, and though another event triggered an EF for me earlier this month, I had a growing awareness yesterday that any time I am in the place I live, I'm triggered. I don't feel like I'm introverting or spending quality time by myself. I panic.  The norm is to start watching for crises and watching for a brewing conflict and my thoughts start going 1000 MPH. My blood pressure goes up, I dissociate, I check out and don't engage with my FOC.  Anxiety and irritability are the whole of my emotional experience in my own home.

And I realized this: the reason I feel this way is because this was my home life for 18 years. Before I left for college, I was locked away by myself in my room waiting for my mom to come through the door, stand in the doorway, ask me a bunch of questions about what I'm doing, guilt me for not doing something, rage at me. There was no such thing as a safe home.  Home was a place of constant conflict and tension, and this is something that has carried over too far into my adulthood.

It angers me, and it saddens me, and it gives me such a deep feeling of relief to know that my feelings that once felt so abnormal and inexplicable suddenly make perfect sense when contextualized to account for C-PTSD and abuse.

But I guess the loss in this is the feeling of home as a safe place.

I haven't been able to start T yet due to finances, but this is, so far, the biggest revelation I've had and the biggest hurdle to improved emotional health for me.

Does anyone else out there read this and think, "Oh my goodness, yes, I know what you are talking about?"

[keepfighting]

Hi, confident,



What an epiphany - so painful and yet you managed to analyze the reason for your EFs so precisely that you actually have something to work with. That is soooo awesome!

But I guess the loss in this is the feeling of home as a safe place.

I am so sorry to read of your pain and your loss - though I do believe that the loss and pain you're feeling now will be only temporary and you can feel safe and comfortable in the home in which you are living now with your FOC very soon. 

I actually know the feeling you're expressing - when my little FOC and I moved into our second home, the layout reminded me so much of the house I lived in when I was 2-14 years old, that I had constant nightmares and other EFs. Thankfully, I had just started T at the time (CBT, actually) and my T helped me work through it. (So sorry to read that T is not an option for you at the moment. Maybe the online course of CBT that is mentioned in the therapy section of this forum might be helpful to you???)

Remind yourself that you are nothing like your mother, that you and your DH are providing a good and stable home for yourselves and your DS and that you are a grown up now who has the power to make the home of your FOC into a safe haven for yourself and your FOC.

Kudos to you! 

kf

[schrödinger's cat]

I kind of know what you mean, confident. Funnily enough, it was okay when it was just me, or just me and DH, but now that there's four of us, the resemblance sometimes just brings up old memories. I get a lot less done. I'm a lot more tense and anxious. I don't yet know how to fix it. No, I know something. The way out is probably the way through all that grieving I haven't done yet.

..locked away by myself in my room waiting for my mom to come through the door, stand in the doorway, ask me a bunch of questions about what I'm doing, guilt me for not doing something, rage at me. There was no such thing as a safe home.  Home was a place of constant conflict and tension...

 

[alovelycreature]

I've noticed that about myself also. I never feel like home is home. It just feels like a space I have to occupy. I always thought that it maybe was because I moved a lot. However, the part you said about feeling anxious at home and never really feeling safe is exactly how I feel at home. I never feel safe.  I never thought about it the way you put it, which was very insightful. I never thought it may be triggering EFs.  I'm going to start being more mindful of that! Thanks for sharing

[confident]

What an epiphany - so painful and yet you managed to analyze the reason for your EFs so precisely that you actually have something to work with. That is soooo awesome!

But I guess the loss in this is the feeling of home as a safe place.

I am so sorry to read of your pain and your loss - though I do believe that the loss and pain you're feeling now will be only temporary and you can feel safe and comfortable in the home in which you are living now with your FOC very soon. 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, and your encouragement that you believe this will be temporary. My hope was that T would give me some resources to start addressing this particular EF, among some others, but as I won't be able to restart for 4-6 months, I'm going to have to take your advice and check out that CBT course. Thank you for the recommendation!

I don't yet know how to fix it. No, I know something. The way out is probably the way through all that grieving I haven't done yet.

Grieving scares me. Really scares me. It's too much like depression - the depression that clouded my existence for 5 years of adolescence in that FOO home...

And I know it's healthy, but I'm not sure I understand how to do grief in a healthy way yet.

alovelycreature, it's encouraging to know that sharing this may help others get some insight about their own triggers in places that should feel secure and comforting. When I came home that evening, I was able to breakdown the feelings and tell myself why I was afraid and why I didn't have to be. I walked up the steps to the front door acknowledging all those feelings AND that they made sense at one time. But they don't make sense anymore. It was good to put them in a proper place and understand them a bit better.

[schrödinger's cat]

I'm not sure I understand how to do grief in a healthy way yet.

There's an article about "Grieving and CPTSD" on Pete Walker's website. The gist of it is, grieving comes in four shapes and sizes: angering, crying, venting, and feeling. I found that a relief. Simply just "feeling" my grief sounds rather scary and overwhelming, and I'm not sure I'm quite ready for that yet... especially if there isn't enough time for me to recover afterwards, and/or no one there to comfort me (if I should need to be). But angering? That's easier to do. Or venting, either to someone out loud or simply just in my journal. I sometimes write it in two roles - a part of me writes and vents, and the other part takes on the role of active listener. The surprising thing is that it works. It should feel like I'm just kidding myself, but it's astonishingly validating.

I'm going to do some grief work on how I used to feel at home, so we can found a club and print t-shirts or something ("There's no place like home! - thank goodness"). Thanks for starting this thread, it's helped me.

[Annegirl]

Wow, this is all very enlightening and also helpful for me. Thank you so much for sharing.