Dark Fantasies as a Child from Neglect? - TW***

[DecimalRocket]

Would you mind if I rant my guts out today?

Sometimes when I have flashbacks, and I can't pinpoint a memory, I get this strange sense of the pain being farther beyond in the past than I thought. Maybe when I was a toddler, or even when I was a baby. Maybe I'm just crazy, but for some reason the thought of it makes me emotional in a way that takes that idea seriously.

I had some very weird practices in the early days as a kid. I remember I liked to imagine I was in pain, say sick or injured, and I'd always do it right before I sleep even before I was 10. I don't do that anymore, but I remember realizing that I did that because I liked someone being compassionate to me during those times, and I stopped when I had more real life sources of kindness.

I don't know where I picked it up, probably the internet since I was emotionally abandoned to it after school, but I romanticized evil. I bet I picked it up from people who idealized bad boys and girls on the media. Who knows. I rarely ever acted on it, but inside I'd crave it in my mind in multiple dark daydreams. Crave it for the attention and love I could get, and when I moved to different media where people hated these kinds of people, I hated myself too.

That's when I believed I could be killed. Of course. If God was watching, then I was about to be punished, after all. I was the kid who was afraid of monsters in the dark, that they were coming for me, and I was a bad kid. It was all my responsibility to deal with. In the corner of my eye, sometimes I felt someone was moving across the room quickly, only to see no one was there. A few times I felt someone was calling out for me, and one time I think I saw a floating hand out my window once.

I never told anyone this. I healed on my own with these symptoms as a kid. I read about CBT, and I read about meditation. I did it by myself, and I was familiar that things had to be done myself.

I don't have these beliefs or . . . hallucinations anymore. But something about my total emotional isolation back in those times emotionally moves me to the core.

Hey, maybe it wasn't that bad. I mean, it's normal for a kid to be afraid of ghosts and monsters hiding in the dark, right?

[Gromit]

I used to feel a bit like that about the dining room when I was a kid. It was OK in the day, but at night, I would emerge from the living room to go upstairs, for the bathroom, or whatever. The light switch was on the right, which meant looking towards the dark open doorway of the dining room. The light was actually upstairs, round a corner, once on, I would run up the stairs until I was round the corner, in the light, scared of whatever might have come from the darkness in the hall & dining room.

I have always been aware of things, just out of sight, flashes of dark. Is that what you mean?

The first place I lived where I remembered this & felt safe was the home I first shared with my OH, there were no 'dark places' although it was a Victorian house, and, of course, there were shadows, but I felt safe, even in the dark. That's when I remember getting the dreams about where I grew up, can't remember having them before that.

[sanmagic7]

it's absolutely normal for a kid to be afraid of ghosts and monsters in the dark.  i remember seeing bela lugosi as dracula at the movies, and i looked over my shoulder all the way home.  frightened to the core.

i've also seen those dark 'flits' out of the corner of my eye when nothing was there.  seen them right in front of my eyes as well.  have no idea what they are.  i've also seen whitish ones.  i would tell myself that they were spirits come to tell me about something that was about to happen - dark for bad, white for good.  actually, it often happened that way, too.

our minds are incredibly versatile on so many levels, including these kinds of levels.  monsters, evil, scary things that go bump in the night.   pretty amazing.  take care, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Heh. Thanks for relating to me, you two.

I hope I didn't overreact by making it a trigger warning. It seemed like it was because little me was pretty much terrified. In a strange way, I was most interested in what I'm scared of the most. It's more matured, but I still have the same attitude towards the unknown.

You'd probably call me crazy, but remember those experiments I mentioned that I said wasn't as dangerous or as hard to do as the movies, San? My own conclusions are if anything is out there waiting in the dark, then I'm sure they're harmless, if you know what I mean.

I've stayed alive until now after all even after that. That's enough proof for me. But I'm sure I'll still watch horror movies with the lights to this day.

[sanmagic7]

i've kept the lights on for myself, probably will to my dying day.  the dark itself is harmless - it's our imaginations that can cause a lot of problems (most of the time).  still, i don't like sleeping in a totally dark room.  love and hugs, sweetie.

[DecimalRocket]

Love and hugs too.

I think my mom affirmed my fear of the dark. She feared it too. She'd always be afraid of having to be alone in the house, and even to this day she is. I let go of the fears of the dark before her, and growing up then I rejected her need to stay with me. As a kid, I didn't sleep with her in the bed because I was afraid without her. I slept with her because she was afraid without me.

if not, she'd get angry and punish me for having absolute privacy in a room. The locks to my room are broken. The locks to my bathroom are broken. Wonder what happened?

I didn't fawn much really. She was too annoying in my eyes for me to cater to her need for care after all and I wasn't much of a nurturing type, but a part of me was guilty for rejecting her. And for some reason, thinking back, I still am. It was particularly frustrating of a pressure because I was the opposite of a warmhearted soul who saw the good in people, and I thought she was being completely disgusting and irrational

Later I felt like I was a monster.

Sigh.

[Andyman73]

DR, I still see those dark flits. I've seen them for as long as I can remember. And while I'm not afraid of the dark...I, like author Stephen King, am more afraid of what's in the dark.
I think, perhaps, it's more normal for kids who've been traumatized, to see these things, than those who weren't.  But then again, I also have lots of lost time episodes and deja vu too.