Negative judgements I hold on myself...

[Sandals]

My T asked me to make a list of negative judgements I hold on myself because of my mom's inability to love/pove herself and therefore placing judgements on others instead. I thought I would share them here, as I see them popping up for others.

As I said to my T, I didn't think the list would be so long. And yet, I still don't think it's even halfway done.

Apparently, I have a lot of things to put on the list. Started writing things out by hand & it got a little long. But I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot and at the same time feel like I'm not even halfway done.

Please feel free to share your list. This is part of the work I'm doing to be able to love my IC without reservations.

List:
-Your body is unacceptable and embarrasses/makes me feel ashamed
-You shouldn't ask for anything other than what you're given b/c you're not worth it or special enough to get it; only your sister is
-Being smart is the only way to make me like you, but still not enough to make me love you
-You should be grateful to me & my religion that you're alive
-You don't have a special place in the family. You're not the first or the best at anything.
-You look like your dad's family, whom I dislike, therefore I dislike you
-I will take so much from you and make you believe that you are willingly giving it to me
-Your passions & feelings don't matter if they don't match my beliefs. I will show this by laughing at them and making them sound trivial and full of error.
-You can't do the same things as your brothers because you're a girl. But there's nothing special you can do as a girl because it's either not religiously acceptable or you're not pretty enough to do it.
-I will make a show of you standing up for something you want to do that I don't want you to do by demonstrating how hurtful and selfish you are to want it
-I will expect you to be perfect, but even if you are perfect I won't love you
-I will tell you to go the barn to help your dad but never recognize the work you are doing there
-I will only touch you to correct how you are dressed, unless touching you makes me look good to other people
-I will control what & when you eat, drink & sleep, and expect you to be grateful for the choices I make. And if you disagree, I will show you how ridiculous you are being and/or how much you've hurt me.
-I will not care or acknowledge if you have a favourite colour, style or anything that might be about you. If I like it, you should like it too or you will hurt my feelings.
-I will keep score of the number of times you've failed
-You will do the chores I don't want to do (clean bathrooms, baking, bringing in wood)
-You will not cry or acknowledge pain because it irritates me
-You will not get angry at me or I will hit you

[smg]

((((Hug))))

- You need to compensate for your fundamental defects
- You can never compensate enough
- You are defective and it is unacceptable for you to be sad about that
- You are more trouble than you are worth
- You are a burden
- You don't have the right or ability to decide what you do not like

Sandals, how are you converting this into self-love? Is the point to identify these ugly judgments as EXTERNAL messages? Something more?

smg

[Sandals]

Hey smg - for you, too.

Yes, it's a clearing exercise. I stumbled on this a week or so ago - I felt that I had connected strongly with my IC. But then one day, she told me nobody loved her. I replied that wasn't true and that I did...and she called * on that.   She's pretty darn honest!

So writing the list out helps me see the external judgements my mom held on her as a child because of her inability to love and accept her. And that in turn, I adopted in order to get love from my mom.

Now I need to let my IC know that she was right and that I'm sorry. Sorry for withholding love from her. It sounds simple, but the feelings evoked are so powerful. And in letting her know that I'm sorry, she'll learn to trust me again.

So yes, there is rejection of the messages as external. But greater than that, there is healing and building of trust with your IC. And that healing strengthens your core understanding that those messages are not who you are, at all.

[smg]

Sorry for withholding love from her. 

Wow. Yes, powerful. Thanks for explaining.

I haven't ventured into inner child work (IC) yet. It's always seemed very conceptual or unreal, with no real identity there to connect with. I'm getting a hint now of why I might feel so alienated from even the possibility of an IC. THe judgments that I adopted about myself are a big wound between "us" that I haven't previously acknowledged. I like the idea of starting this work with some relationship repair to build trust.

smg

[Sandals]

Yes, I was very much the same with IC work. My T shared this with me: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uVmqOlcXQ1k

It took me about 5 times to make it through. I was angry at some parts of it. But it got me further on this journey and now that I'm where I am, I can see why I had those emotions.

The other big thing that helped me move along was a shift in perspective. A lot of the work suggests things to do with your inner child - and they were all great and validating. But it wasn't until I shifted my perspective from being the adult to being the child that I really started to feel whole. Being able to feel the nurturing, the hugs, hear the words that I didn't ever hear when I was a child. Wow. Just blew me away.