Trigger warning -Mother was schizophrenic and other questions

[LateWakerontheWestCoast]

I am new to the forum. I see a lot of topics concerning Narc parents. I am curious if anyone has experience with a schizophrenic parent? She was diagnosed in 1996. She would not seek out a diagnoses or counseling. Her diagnoses were limited to her involvement with law enforcement until 2014 when her support after her stroke provided a diagnoses, that was not shared with me as I was removed from her approved list to share information. Point being, she passed away in November due to another stroke during heart surgery and I do not know if she truly was schizophrenic, borderline, bipolar (she was diagnosed with all three at different times in her life), or if this was a symptom of constant gas lighting and abuse from the narcissist people in our family.  She constantly compared me to people hurting her in her life, and abused me greatly. I received my PTSD diagnoses last month. I do not know if it was her abuse or the sexual abuse (from another family member) that caused it. I know this thread is a bit of a jumble. I am also 2 months out of my second intimate narc 'lack of relationship". I am on my second try to uphold no contact. I have children that are showing symptoms of being abused. Their father is narcissistic. My ten year old is starting to remind me of myself. I am so worried. All I want to do is protect them and correct my issues to help them through their lives so they can be healthy children and adults. I have limited support as most of my family is either the perp or the victim and most use self medication techniques to deal. I know everything takes time. I know I can do what I need to do, but even saying that is filling me full of doubt and guilt that I have put my children in this position. Not to mention myself. Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed but I have yet to quit trying. I keep telling myself I have to do right by my kids. But when I have an explosive reaction to them I start to feel like they may be better off. Then my kid's dad narc does something totally crazy and I know I must push on. Any advise to sooth my wild mind is appreciated.

[Three Roses]

First of all, welcome. I'm sorry to hear about all you're going through right now, but I'm glad you're here and reaching out for help.

Sometimes we who have cptsd are misdiagnosed as borderline or bipolar disordered. Cptsd is still not in the most recent DSM as a disorder on its own. (Instead it is lumped in with ptsd.) So, it's possible your mom had cptsd, either instead of the others or along with the others.

I really relate to the "explosive reactions" you mention, and totally empathize with you. Speaking just for myself, these would occur when I was triggered. Several times when I thought I was losing my temper, I look back now and know I was having a panic attack.

Do you have a therapist? Please be careful and go at your own pace through this, as I've said elsewhere today working alone on an abusive background can be retraumatizing.

Take a look at this section, http://www.outofthestorm.website/downloads/ 

Our sister site http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/ may also be of use to you. Thanks for joining and keep us posted. We care ♡

[LateWakerontheWestCoast]

Thank you for responding. I am seeing a behavior psychologist. I start my treatment in July. I'm not sure what the treatment is but I wrote down a lot of questions to ask her when I see her Wednesday. My mom did have a rough childhood. She may have had CPTSD. But she also had delusions, I remember as a child her throwing all her records away and then digging threw the trash for them the next day. She believed the neighbors bugged our house for years. She thought the hells angels were against her and used witch craft against her. Even after her stroke she would say they were beating her up, using a voodoo doll against her. She thought I was part of it and my brothers but that we were unaware of it. Anyway. I believed she and my step brother who molested me for thirteen years are the cause of my CPTSD. I tried to commit suicide in September last year and after talking to a friend with PTSD after my ex narc (the second one) gaslighted and had his friends gang up on me I had my first realization that I was triggered. Suicide wasn't planned. I was depressed for months and then he was saying something that reminded me of my ex narc(kids dad) and my mom. I do explode on my kids. It make me feel very guilty and I always apologize and tell them it wasn't their fault. Their father chooses to gaslight them. My need to get my children into counseling and get full custody. I have been procrastinating lately and I'm unsure if that is a symptom. Thank you again. Please anyone with advice. I just want to break this cycle.   

[Three Roses]

The thing that has helped me the most is learning about emotional flashbacks and how to handle them. Helpful books have been "The Body Keeps The Score" and "CPTSD: From Surviving To Thriving".

If you don't start to see more replies to this thread, I would suggest posting something in the "Welcome" section, you may get more views.

What do others think was the most helpful thing they found after learning about CPTSD?

[Lingurine]

Hi Latewakeronthewestcoast and welcome. Reading your post reminds me of how I tried to fit my parents into a narcissist/borderline mold. In the beginning it gives you a structure to understand what's happening and how to react. In the end it doesn't matter what the disorder is, I discovered for myself, their behaviour kept being unpredictable. So more important to me is the harm they did to me and how I still try to cope with that. Trying to heal is the best thing for me and it keeps me busy daily.

Welcome again and I hope to read more from you on the boards.

Lingurine