Delays, delays, delays, drama - inpatient treatment

[Dee]

A few things have happened.  My sister's father-in-law has offered to pay for her and her husband to join them on a European cruise.  This is during the time I will be in treatment, when she said she will help with the kids.  If it wasn't enough she has extended the trip to visit some people while in Europe, making her time away over a month.  So much for counting on her.  She even said for me to email.  I told her I won't have computer access.  She said to tell them she is my #1 and is in Europe.  I thought if you were my #1 you wouldn't be in Europe, but I didn't say it.

Also, my providers were looking at putting me in an eating disorder program that can treat trauma.  Now, they have decided I would be best served in a trauma program that can treat an eating disorder.  So now a new search is under way for the right place for me to go.  I suspect this change has something to do with my behavior.  I unintentionally demonstrated how much trouble I have dealing with my past trauma.

My anxiety is off the wall.  I keep washing clothes to make sure I have everything ready if I get a call to go.  I still have not spoken to the kids.  My therapist wants to spend a session addressing it first.  I am also going to have to talk to my ex because they need someone to check in on them and be available.  I had even made reservations for my sister to take them somewhere for spring break.  I am going to lose a portion of the money I spent, no big deal but still.  She had agreed to all of this.

My therapist wants me to limit my time with her right now.  I was visiting her and my parents called.  They told her to tell me they are sending me a jewelry box.  She had a temper tantrum, after all I did they were giving me anything and it should go to her.  She basically said I was unworthy of anything.  I am unsure if she realized I could hear, I am sure she was much louder then she realized, but it was crushing.

Anyway, it's where I am. 

[Three Roses]

This makes me feel angry with your sister. She seems to have some issues, and it seems to me she has shown how trustworthy and supportive she is (not much). I realize I may be projecting here, due to my feelings towards my own sibling. But it really rankles me how glib she seems about her "support".

If she was your #1, she would not be in Europe. I realize that's a big, exciting offer she received, one that is not likely to come around again. But so is this opportunity you've been given!! The chance to overcome something that has affected your whole life is, to me, superior in every way imaginable to a trip anywhere.

I'm sad that your family treats you this way, and again, I realize I'm projecting. I wish I could help you, I'd gladly do it!

[radical]

I'm really sorry your sister has done these things.  No wonder you  are feeling so anxious.  This is painful and confusing behaviour.  She has let you down, and been cruel.  I agree with your therapist about keeping a distance right now.

If it helps, I've come to think of my sister's strange, push and pull behaviour as something that is unlikely to ever change.  I can get pulled in by  apparent kind, sisterly behaviour, but I'm always slapped-down.  I don't think it is deliberate or even conscious.  I think she actually feels both ways and is also a casualty of growing up in our crazy family, but I do need to always tread warily, keep an emotional distance and not expect to be able to rely on the seeming 'loving sister' side.  But it hurts, I know you long for a sister too.

Letting you down now is appalling.  How she behaved when you visited was nasty and destructive, whether she knew you overheard, she knew you were there, should have been thinking of you and your feelings, have had normal sensitivity, behaved like an adult, even. 

To say you really didn't need this, particularly at this time, is an understatement.  I feel for you.  It was such a hard decision to make, and now you are on tenterhooks, not knowing, not being able to plan.  I wish I could be able to make you cups of tea or coffee, help out, be reliable like you deserve, be an in-person friend, who lives nearby.  You've been so good to your sister, you don't deserve to be treated like this.  It's so familiar to me, the casual disrespect, the "sorry something better has come along, tough luck" relationships, the whole confusing crazy-making nine yards.

Our families condition us to accept this kind of behaviour and that is abuse in itself.  I know it's not the same, but we here at OOTS are here for you. 
Sending you love across the Pacific, Dee.

[sanmagic7]

i'm with 3roses on this.  your sis doesn't sound very supportive at all - maybe in words, but not in deeds, and words are nothing but air.  they can't be relied on.  and what was with that tantrum and turning on you?  not acceptable, to my way of thinking.  (by the by, i don't think it's projection by 3 roses - i see it exactly the same way).

i'm sorry you have to go through all this frustration now, dee.  just sucks!  yeah, it's not like you wouldn't be naturally anxious about this whole thing to begin with, but stack all this other crapola on top of it - aaaack!!!

hang on, sweetie.  hangin right beside you.  like wife2 often says, breathe.  it'll happen.  under the circumstances, you're doing really well, actually.  still being able to change accommodations for your kids, still gonna talk to your t.  i agree about getting some distance from your sis.  you deserve a break from that kind of behavior, especially right now.  big hug!

[bring em all in]

Count me among those who detest your sister's behavior and who are in your corner supporting you all the way!!!

[Wife#2]

Dee,

I know this is ridiculous and silly, but maybe this change in every plan you've tried to make will be for the better.

I do like the idea of a trauma center that also works with eating disorders. Since, so often, the ED is a symptom of the level of trauma one has faced.

Gotta go, can't answer as fully as I want. But, BREATHE! (Yes, I do say that a lot).

Maybe, just maybe, sis will get her European trip AND be back in time for the new center which handles trauma primarily AND the children will be safe and YOU will feel able to BREATHE when you enter the center that will help you find your way back to you!  (pant, pant - now THAT was a run-on sentence for the ages!).

If not, we'll come up with some other way to find a bright side and cheer you on towards this so very important recovery!