EF's triggered by others not validating your reality

[alovelycreature]

I was talking with a friend yesterday, and realized we both have EF triggers when our feelings/experience are validated. For example, someone calling you a liar when you are telling the truth.

I was wondering if other's have experienced this? What are some ways you've grounded yourself in these experiences? It seems like that can happen anywhere at anytime. At work, in a relationship, really just anywhere.

[schrödinger's cat]

Same here. Mostly, I use Medium Chill. Any attempt to defend yourself, or to explain yourself, or to make them see the truth, only lays you open for more in-validation.

[alovelycreature]

I'm going to have to go back and read that article again. Good tip. 

[Butterfly]

Do you mean when others share an unsolicited opinion? Non JADE response acknowledging 'that is one opinion' and change the subject or exit.

[alovelycreature]

Butterfly, what do you mean by non Jade? For example, my friend does manual labor and he hurt his arm at work. He went to the doctor and they said he needed rest, etc. His boss then said that he was lying about it. Not just when someone disagrees with your opinion, but with facts.

For me I think it triggers when I would call out my M's harmful behaviors to myself or my siblings. Like if I called out my M for having an open drink in the car, I would then get in trouble and be "lying" if I brought it up later.

This kind of trigger can become the beginning of a panic attack for me. Not being believed. I think medium chill was a good idea. It's just a matter of practicing it when anxiety is at a high.

[marycontrary]

These type of games piss me off, and yes, do EFs. So very, very sorry about the gas lighting you go through. Time to erect some iron cloud boundaries to protect yourself from these jerks.

God speed. Please do not put up with this....

[schrödinger's cat]

Lovely, JADE is an acronym they use on OOTF. It stands for Justify, A...something?, Defend, Explain, if I'm getting this right. A for Apologize?

I wonder if those people gaslight and doubt and dismiss because this is a way of exerting power: establishing their own reality, then forcing everyone else to live in it. Kind of, "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts". It looks rather narcissistic, coming to think of it.

I never had to deal with any actual gaslighting (unless there's something I'm still in denial about...), just trivializing and minimizing, but I got that a lot. Then my PTSD got way better, and people took me seriously. Then I got retraumatized and my PTSD symptoms ate me up alive, and fancy that, people started minimizing and trivializing nearly everything I said. It was very demoralizing, and it greatly undermined my (already somewhat fragile) sense of self and my belief in my own perceptions.

No advice on how to cope with gaslighting, sorry.

[alovelycreature]

I didn't think about that it may be gaslighting, which it is. There are actually tips on the OOTF website regarding gaslighting. I'm looking at JADE on there too. Thank you Cat!

[schrödinger's cat]

I simply picked up what marycontrary said and ran with it, but for my part, you're welcome.   

[Butterfly]

Ah yes, well it's still just their opinion. Yes never justify argue defend or explain. All this is just smoke and mirrors to back others into the proverbial corner. There is no corner unless you agree to it but the smoke and mirrors make you think it's there.

As in the example you gave, simply replying I'm following doctors advice or thanks for your opinion. Don't let them think they got under your skin even if they did but even better if we could recognize it is an opinion, it's not our opinion or our truth and fluff it off.

Oh and 'bean dipping' and medium chill are great topics too on OOTF. Bean dipping is the quick change of conversation as in when someone at a party backs you into awkward conversation and rather than responding you ask them if they've tried the bean dip. It's pa way to move onto a different topic. If the person insists on bringing the topic back to the uncomfortable subject and you ignore it and keep bean dipping it becomes fairly obvious they're pretty stuck and it's time to leave. As in 'oh there's so and so, haven't seen them in ages, enjoy the bean dip' and off you go.


ETA - I'm sorry, though, these opinions and invalidations trigger EF and hope you're ok today. What has helped me is reviewing the list of human rights and having confidence in my thoughts and feelings. I've a right to them and no one needs to validate them and therefore cannot invalidate them either.  It does still hurt and make me angry but it's easier to shake it off and not get stuck in an EF spiral like I have in the past. It's even given me the gumption to turn around and tell others they can't tell me what to feel. Not sure that helps.