Healed for the moment

[radical]

I feel very level.  I don't have to be anything, or look for different outcomes to undo old wounds.  I don't feel wounded right now, just very tired.  My wounds are fine, settled, part of a whole.

It was a pretty crap day - painful.  There will be a need to grieve over time. But I didn't abandon myself very much, and this awkward, shambling realness is worth more than any slick, successful, shape-shifting for a temporary respite from feeling unacceptable.  I didn't do very well, I didn't achieve what I set out to do.  I cried, stumbled, felt confused, but it was worth it.  I feel freed. I feel okay being imperfect, feel like I can move.  I'm getting past the paralysis of self-doubt and second-guessing myself that has stifled me for so long. 

I think I will sleep peacefully tonight.

[Candid]

This sounds Radical indeed! I would love to know what steps or guidelines you used to bring about this huge shift.

Congratulations on staying with it, you've truly earned a good night's sleep.

[sanmagic7]

o dear radical, how truly wonderful i feel for you.  yeah, it's messy, we stumble, but sticking with yourself is a major victory.  i applaud you.  well done!

[radical]

 

Hugs to both of you.
We're okay!
Gotta go to bed - it's very late here

[Blueberry]

Yes, well done, Radical! That sounds like a real achievement. I'm assuming some hard work on your part is paying off.   

[Three Roses]

 

[radical]

I have a mountain of grief to wade my way through, things didn't go well yesterday by any of the usual metrics. 

I feel calm because I understand the massive cost of self-abandonment, and somehow, staying with myself, no matter how uncomfortable that is bound to continue to be, relating in new ways, certainly having to learn by falling, getting up, falling again, like a toddler learning to walk - I'm finding my feet and staying in them. 

Hypervigilantly attending to the feelings and concerns of others can be survival in an abusive family, but it is set-up for living with a feeling of overwhelming responsibilty, one that can never be lived up to, the experience of constant failure.  I feel the weight of trying to heal, appease, control, settle, fix, find the answers, soothe, constantly watch for signs of danger, and anticipate and try and intercept suffering, lifted.  It's not that any of these things can be achieved by self-abandonment, it just always felt that tensions were temporarily eased in so many interactions, when I did.  A volunteer scapegoat for momentary tension relief, a reflex - a conditioned response.

I feel so sad, but I don't feel that constant weight of responsibility.  I hope this release from family-generated parole conditons deepens, and I feel it will.

[Candid]

Thank you for this prescription. I'm sorry you're still grieving, but 'staying with yourself' must erode it in time.