Return to work or not?

[Hazy111]

Hi,

I know i have to make my own mind up, but would appreciate some feedback. I know this is difficult as i cant really paint the whole picture objectively as i am affected by my inner and outer critic and i presume massive EFs

I have been off work for a year. The work is stressful and ive been doing it for 12 years. I cant say i enjoy it , but its well paid, with a car and return to work at home after carrying out my inspections. The thing is it is essentially a production line job and everything has to be processed each day, then new work the  next day and so on. I disassociate all the time when im processing the work at home , as i find it so boring and repetitive and it means i work even  longer hours.

The only satisfaction in it is , that i have freedom, as in not tied to an office, or a horrible boss.

So im off with stress , as they started disciplinary action against me and i just couldnt cope with it. I split up with my gf at the same time

They want me to return on a phased return, working less hours slowly building up. But i feel so depressed and stressed.  I feel really ashamed about being off for so long and the reactions of others. I feel shame about not being able to do the job anymore. I know my inner critic.

My T  says my inner child is telling me it doesnt want me to go back and thats the reason ive been so stressed all the time ive been off .

Im fearful and guilty of giving up such a well paid job and i dont really know what to do if i left. I feel id just vegetate and freeze out.

So is it my shame stopping me returning or deep down i dont want to do it anymore. I cant make my mind up.

Its driving me crazy and they are arranging my work for next week as they think im returning. But i can barely get up at the moment

Feel free to comment!!

[Blossoming]

I can completely understand you feeling the way you do about going back to work. Sometimes the pressure of having to hold down a job and hold myself together with the cPTSD issues seems like too much. I suppose there's no harm in trying to go back if you really feel up to it. Some days (good days) I feel half glad I've kept my job and it's bearable. Other days I feel exactly the opposite like I can barely stand it for another minute. So I dunno but I do wish you the best whichever choice you make. 

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hazy
I am in a very similar position at the moment ... I am wondering what you decided .. how have things been ?

[Eyessoblue]

Same here, I feel guilty because I don't work and think if I felt I had a purpose in life I would feel better. My depression stops me from feeling I could work and the 'brain fog' is so high that I am unable to hold normal conversations, remember things or even do simple tasks without getting stressed and forgetting what they were. Just thinking about going back to a job terrifies me and is enough to throw me into extreme anxiety,I try and think of maybe just doing a little cleaning job but my inner critic tells me that I'm not capable and shouldn't try and do anything. Cptsd is so hard, I just tell people I've given up work as that is far easier to explain then cptsd.

[sanmagic7]

i quit my job and walked away nearly 16 yrs. ago because i couldn't take it anymore - i was literally too sick and tired to continue.  later that same year i ran away to mexico (i had friends here to help me find a place to live) where i thought it would be the only place i could heal.  i had no idea about c-ptsd at the time, just that i was anxious, depressed, and feeling like crapola. 

it's been a struggle ever since, but i've never been able to hold down a job again.  i did work with clients off and on, and got my soc. security finally coming in, but i can't even do clients anymore.  and i loved my job!  i've just told people that i've gotten too sick.  i never tried to explain anything else because i wasn't aware.

in your situation, i think you have to listen to you, your gut, your instincts.  perhaps, like blossoming suggested, you could give it a shot, see how it rolls.  that may last a day, a week, an hour, or maybe things have changed and it'll be better.  either way it goes, it's up to you.  but you've got my support no matter what.   best to you, hazy, whatever you decide.

[Hazy111]

Hi all,

Sorry for not responding sooner, ive only just worked out how to go go back to my old posts, Updated Topics!!

I tried to go back and did so on a phased return part time. . But my firm decided to put me through a reintroduction progamme , like i was a new boy. I had to follow all the proceedures and all my work would have to be checked before it was sent out.  It just felt like a further humiliation, but then that it is a narc response. I felt persecuted originally, as they were about to instigate disciplinary proceedures against me, which triggered off my stress. Maybe i over reacted, but the longer i was off it just seemed so hard to go back. I decided to resign in December .  I just dreaded going back to work for a bunch of *******. My gut said no, i was getting serious ectopic heartbeats as well. My T  said my heart wasnt in it. I dont know??

Looking back i feel i was right to feel persecuted, not just paranoid. A fellow good worker of many long years was sacked while i was off sick.

We and others were seen as part of the awkward squad and as they were now training  enthusiastic  young things that can be used and abused, we could be got rid of. I feel a certain paranoid sociopathic manager was behind my sudden two disciplinary actions in 6 months!! He  phoned me the day i left (guilt ??) to say it would have been very hard for me to get back in the company good books if id come back!! He wanted me out , as he thought i  it reflected badly on him, but i cant prove it.

I had worked there for 12 years and i am wracked with shame and guilt about it still, and massive depression at the time ,but this is getting easier. I feel a failure, im not part of the human race.

I think that has to do with my inner critic. I am financially ok for the moment . My T thinks it was for the best , but im still stuggling with it. I feel i cant go back at all to work now. It also gave me some structure in life, which im struggling without it. He said your recovery is more important than your job.

Its funny how i can t remember how much i hated it some days. It was a treadmill job.

Good luck to you all, it aint easy