Looking for understanding on a situation and/or advice

[inbedby9]

I'm not used to putting into words what I have experienced or am experiencing.  Although I've had professional help for ptsd in the past, mostly I have ongoing dialogue with myself and I read.  I want to keep this short but it might not end up that way, with apologies.  It also might end up reading as jumbled, again I'll apologize because if I don't write this down now I might keep it in for forever.   And, I don't know whether I posted this into the right section...  so apologies for that too. 

Right now I don't know what to do.  Probably "do nothing" is the answer. 

I suffered a lot of physical and emotional abuse from my mother and a sister who was 10 years older than me. Growing up, my sister was another adult in the house to me.  My father worked and I don't believe he was aware of what was going on.  I witnessed my father being physically and emotionally abused by my mother until the day he died.   Although testing in later years proved to me that, regardless of the names I was called, I am quite intelligent.  I wasn't able to concentrate in school and found school added to my stress level.  Needless to say, for all intents and purposes, I have no education and have always felt humiliated because of that and the low paying jobs  I managed to get.

I married twice, each time to an abusive man.  The wonderful thing about those marriages is that I have two beautiful daughters who amaze me every day.  When my marriages broke up strange things happened and I later realized that my sister (and possibly my mother) had been working with my ex's in order to help them with baseless custody battles.  I thought I was going crazy. 

What was making me feel crazy started coming apart when I got a phone call from my first ex.  It seems he was being blackmailed by my sister (the details were never made clear to me) into doing something he didn't want to do, so he was calling to let me know that he had paperwork and proof of my sister's malicious involvement in helping him obtain custody of our daughter.   He must have had second thoughts or realized how all that information would also implicate him as I never heard another thing about it.

He was genuinely afraid and that along with the information I got from him helped  everything come into perspective.  What I felt was going on – really was going on.  It all made sense.  My mother and sister were betraying me.  I don't know why.  It's like some sickness that causes them to be mean to me.  It's where their mind goes when they see me.   

My second daughter (then an infant) and I left my second husband under police protection when the police told me they had evidence that my husband was responsible for the two house fires I (and my daughter) narrowly escaped from.  I have ptsd from those fires.

For whatever reason and to use as part of his defense, he started a custody challenge while he dealt with his arson and endangerment to life charges.  His lawyers tried blaming me for the arson, even though I was asleep for the start of the first one and there were some fairly strong witnesses for the start of the second fire.  Our homes were totally destroyed by the way.  Insurance doesn't pay in the case of arson, so my daughters were raised with nothing.

After several years, my ex (#2) was found guilty of the charges against him.  He appealed that guilty verdict which set us off for more years through the Court system with another trial. 

Meanwhile I was
•   raising my two daughters by myself (my first daughter was returned to me because of her father's physical abuse – which no one believed me about until a social worker finally paid attention)
•   as mentioned earlier, because of the fire we lost our house and I couldn't work - so the girls had nothing
•   dealing with two custody challenges (even though my daughter was returned he didn't want to pay child support and the only way to get out of it was to try to get custody again)
•   dealing with each of my ex's helping the other
•   dealing with my sister helping my ex's
•   dealing with my mother's occasional involvement with my ex's and my sister (though, I'm not sure how intentionally)
•   I was a witness in the Criminal charges against the arsonist, so had extensive contact with the Courts and had to testify in those proceedings
•   Was trying to learn to live with the flashbacks and terror of the fires
•   unable to work (which was also being used against me)

In the end, both ex's lost their bids for custody.  I watched my sister lie on the stand for my ex.  The arsonist was found guilty for a second time on the charges against him.  It was his first offense so he got off with probation for 2 years and house arrest (which is a laugh) for 1 year. 

For some reason I kept a relationship with my mother.  I figured she was naive and being lead around by my sister.  And, I wanted that illusion of having a family.  I found a way to exclude my sister from my life.  But I live in fear.  I know she's always lurking (yes, she actually did work as a private eye spying on people for a job... as well as other work like fraud scams – including using my name on credit cards).

During the past 10 years things have started to quiet down.  My daughters are grown, educated and surprisingly level headed.   But for the past few years my sister has come back into my mother's life and more recently (few months) I am being pressured by my mother to have a relationship with my sister.  When I refused my mother has gotten hold of other family members, including my daughters, and has started spreading lies and manipulating situations against me. 

I'm finally in a relationship (getting married in February) with someone I can honestly say I can trust.  The life I knew before of constantly being embattled had been melting away (I'm now 60 and hope I have a few more years ahead to enjoy this new freedom). 

So why can't they leave me alone?  I've explained to my mother that I don't mind her having a relationship with my sister...  just that I don't want a relationship with her.  With the recent lies and manipulation going on, I'm finding myself having to explain myself to my daughters, which is outrageous.   And, I fear what my sister might be working on in the background.  And yes, we're all really old people now. 

I just want them out of my life.  I've moved away from them.  I've built my own life.   But I can't escape them.  And, as I write this I realize that it sounds so crazy but I know I'm not and the manipulation and undermining is really happening.     

Again, I don't know what to do and I'm scared.

[Rain]

I understand, and I'm glad you wrote this out, which in itself helps clarify things for you.

You have support here in what you are feeling, and going through, inbedby9.



Rain

[alovelycreature]

That does sound scary! I'm sorry this is happening. I know it's hard when family pressures you, but your gut instinct is there to protect you for a reason. If it does not feel safe or scary to have a relationship with your sister, then don't. There was another board started about setting boundaries, but maybe you need to set a boundary with your Mother. Even if it is just, "I don't want to have a relationship with (sister), right now. Maybe in the future I will feel differently. However, right now that isn't an option and I don't want to discuss it anymore." I don't know your M, but that is something I would say to mine. Usually when I stick up for myself I am either respected or abraded. Sounds like you've found a place where you feel safe and comfortable, if you don't want to take the risk of a step backward, then don't. 

[Kizzie]

Hi IBB9 - the fear you're feeling is telling you something important about your M and S - they do not have your best interests at heart and you will jeopardize your health and well being if you don't set firm boundaries.  I don't know if you've ever been to our sister site Out of the Fog but I highly recommend  you have a look as it sounds like your M and S may have a personality disorder judging from their behaviour.  I started there and once I sorted out what to do about my  narcissistic mother and brother life improved so much.  Now I'm here at OOTS to deal with their gift to me from the ongoing trauma they inflicted - CPTSD.

[schrödinger's cat]

Oh my words. I'm sad to hear that you've got such an ongoing struggle with those horrifying people when all you really want is to be simply left alone. I've no advice, sadly. I mean, the thing just boggles the mind. It definitely sounds like the very thing that would make anyone want to slooowly back out of the room and then run for the hills.

I second what Kizzie said about Out of the Fog. It sounds likely that you'd find people there who could advise you on the practicalities of your situation. If I'm getting this right, that would mostly be this: how to safely go NC (no contact) with toxic/manipulative people who've done you significant harm in the past, and who may or may not lash out if you drop them openly. The site is meant for people suffering from being in touch with someone who has a personality disorder. And no matter whether or not your sister has a PD - I'd guess that everyone who's got a Narcissist in their family is bound to have a lot of empathy for anyone suffering from sneaky underhanded dealings that undermine one's happiness. Let me look for the URL... ah yes. Here's the site, and here's the part of the forum dealing with "unchosen relationships" (=family).

Meanwhile, we're all rooting for you. I wish you all the best. 

[inbedby9]

Thank you all for your kind words, suggestions and all the hugs. 
I have posted my story onto the Out Of The Fog site. 

[Kizzie]

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[marycontrary]

Oh Honey...this sounds like * on earth. Are you taking good care of yourself?