dreams

[avemaria]

Hello Everyone, I just found out about this resource. I usually read through the FOG forum as currently I am married to a narcissist family. But my reality goes  far and beyond that and I have struggled to make my way out. I guess I am hoping that through here I will find space/voice and support. I also would like to thank you for reading and urge you to ask questions if my English isn't sounding so English to you. I regret to have to acknowledge the fogginess of my brain, specially at harder times making this task to communicate even more challenging. I will appreciate resources to read, see, or listen to. I have done therapy for many years. however, life with kids make the hundred sessions look much more. I need to work through a few feelings, and stuff, and I am stuck. For instance, why I can't control my thoughts or behavior anymore? Why, I have recurrent dreams with my abuser in which I am trying to interact with him in trivial situations that are never normal, even though one of my realizations is that during the several years in which I lived in his house (as a house keeper, kids companion/babysitter, and add more 10 job descriptions to it) being abused in different ways, I actually never spoke to him, he never spoke to me? Why almost 30 years later, I dream off him. I question myself if I will ever be able to trust anyone, to get close to anyone in a healthy way? Every time I have a good time within my new life and relationships his presence comes right in. My dreams wakes me up given the oddness or tragedy of it. Last night for example, amid confusion and lost ways, people left behind, objects forgotten, I arrive in a place that would be discovered to be a textile museum. He orders around to people bring a massive bed, and the bed falls down on the floor below. The corner where the bed is resembles my house. And the feeling, just remembering this bit brings me agony. My chest is tight, my neck is sore. I need always noise and a distraction to be able to do anything, even sleep. I am afraid, insecure, and I realize that my fear is that the pain I lived takes over me again. Although it already has. I have become more neglecting of my kids, which is what I do with friends. I have been asking myself where my ability to empathize has gone. Am I a narcissist myself? I am constantly gaslight(ed) by my husband. He has been challenging me in ways I can't hold myself together. Like I feel left out of certain things and alone in others. His passive aggressive criticism to my insecurities and indecisive behavior its what hurt the most. It hurts because I am causing my son to become anxious as I am too anxious working through the decision of a way taken and the time to get to our destination. Meanwhile, my husband thinks that belittling my behavior is the best answer to help my son. When I challenge that he says he did not do that, and we go down hill from there. in his opinion I am making it about his behavior. That because I told him if his concern is my son, irony and sarcasm wasn't the best approach. I did not want to my son to see his mom being treated like that. Off course I spoke out of another fear. They are 6, how are they going to treat me at 15?  My husband is the fun, the light, the warmth. I see him like that and I make a point to the kids see and have that too. Instead, my behavior seem to bring the worst of my dear husband. Because abuse in his house doesn't often include shouting. It is done quietly and cleverly fitting all social norms. Me? I fail in everything I do. The first one is keeping my mouth shot. I work hard for things and once I reach them I just drop the ball. I have contested all this theories of how risky/inferior/vulnerable or whatever else negative is there to talk about abuse survivors, but I am struggling to keep up myself. I am terrified I will fail my kids. I often think of leaving them. That they would be better off without a moody, bitter, and angry mother. I see them drifting. If if the price is to see them abused? I do try to teach them my snappiness and stormy behavior is not natural, appreciated or acceptable. I'm falling short. The days these dreams happen I get into an obsessive though of why, and how to get rid of it. I am exhausted. My 4 year old just avoids me and too copy some of the storm. My husband says that I am drowning my son's confidence. He is so sensitive and struggles to make friends. As me he takes things quite literally. Is it me? At times, I go right back there being a child never enough, never right, never heard, never mattering or smart enough. This last one because I can't get, enjoy therefore I can't understand a joke.  I used all my rage to graduate, to become a professional and I feel like I have nothing left to fight this. Enough already! I need to move on.  I did realized a long time ago I did not have to use that identity of a victim to survive anymore. I want to live, and the past 3 years I am adrift between madness and loss. I lost something I can't recover because I don't know what it is. Thinking of it maybe realizing I am still a victim. That won't go away. I meet my triggers daily and the loneliness is just too hard. I lay in bed with my husband he is there, I am cooking he is there... maybe that's why I can't coop with staying at home anymore. I am happier when in vacations and suddenly I perceive that that's it. In that context he is not there. Its just us. The 3 pregnancies were torture and for reasons that did not make sense for anyone else. The times I cried, inconsolable. The times I desperately asked to be heard. But that is another long story.  I just missed my widow to cook dinner before school pickup. Thanks for reading. Thanks for having this space.

[Three Roses]

Welcome, avemaria, and thanks for joining!

Here is a good place to research and discuss the things that are most troubling to you. Many times, just the reassurance that we are not alone and that others have, or have had,  the same struggles is comforting.

You are not alone! We'll be here to listen to you and reassure you.

[avemaria]

Thank you

Thank you!







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