Holding onto the positive

[radical]

I've been away from the board because of some problems that I didn't feel able to talk about here.  It was a complicated situation that I didn't know how to deal with.  It built into a crisis and is now largely resolved.  What was very different for me was that I was forced to trust without any control or clear understanding of a solution.  I threw control and caution to the wind. Instead of focusing on what to do, I had to trust myself to choose who I could  and could not trust to help me, and act accordingly.  I felt helpless in not knowing, and had to be vulnerable.  It felt like throwing myself onto the 'mercy of the court'.

I found great kindness and understanding.  I felt deeply accepted because I was outside my usual sense of control and felt such enormous relief in my trust being met with trustworthiness. Such a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I've so seldom felt that because of my need to be in control.  In crises I've had a habit of turning, in panic, to the last people on earth I should trust, because untrustworthy people are familiar, the pattern is familiar, there is a kind of control in it.

The situation arose and developed out of my inability to recognise who was and wasn't safe, and a kind of compulsive need to keep going long after a particular unsafe person had proven herself to be untrustworthy.  Looking back, there were so many signs before the situation arose that I should keep away.  I remember conversations with my previous therapist, trying to figure out why I felt as I did.  That therapy relationship undermined my already under-acknowledged gut feelings, in this and so many other situations.  What I really needed to be more in touch with them, and to learn to respect my instincts, to take a step back when my warning system was repeatedly alerted, to trust myself more.

I trusted myself to listen to myself beyond intellectual understanding and to recognise the familiarity in treachery.  To seek help from the unfamiliar.

I hope this makes some kind of sense.  Explaining the details of the actual situation would take so many thousands of words, but this was the essence for me.

[Three Roses]

So glad you're back! Your story makes perfect sense, and I'm happy you found kindness and understanding.

[Dee]

I'm so glad you are back too!!!  It sounds like you have learned and grown from a difficult situation.  It is really hard for survivors to be able to tell who to trust or to even listen to ourselves when we do know.  I hope you realize that you are not alone in that struggle. 

Missed you!

[sanmagic7]

o radical, so glad you're back and that you were able to allow that vulnerability, and that self-trust to take you to a safe and positive resolution.  well done!  this is great news, and makes total sense.  i'm so smiling at you right now.  love and hugs.