New-just trying to get my feet wet

[Michelle9096]

Hello, I am new to the forum. Reaching out is extremely difficult for me. But, I am trying.

I have suffered from PTSD most of my life. Repeated exposure to trauma as a child. Fear of more abandonment and lack of self worth, left me choosing horrible relationships. (physically and emotionally abusive) I have mixed feelings about going to therapy again.

I honestly do not not know what I am doing anymore. I do not recognize myself anymore. The level of dissociation I am feeling lately is overwhelming. I can not relate to anyone around me anymore. I thought this forum may help with the feelings of isolation. I am most concerned about the affects on my young daughter. I try to hide it.......it is getting harder to do that lately. I do not know what triggered these episodes the past few weeks. It is the worst I have felt in long time.

I came here in the hopes of finding some comfort in everyone's journey healing with PTSD

[Three Roses]

Hello! Welcome, Michelle9096, thanks for joining.

I'm so sorry to hear about how you're feeling, are you seeing a therapist? There are a lot of us here - maybe all of us here - for whom reaching out and asking for help and/or connection is difficult - terrifying, even.

You've finally found a whole group of people who "get it". Glad to have you with us! 

[Kizzie]

Hi and a very warm welcome to OOTS Michelle     Most of us know how hard it is to reach out so you're in very good company here. I know you said you have mixed feelings about seeing a therapist again, but perhaps it hasn't gone well in the past because they did not understand that you have Complex PTSD? It's fairly common for T's to misdiagnose us as having Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder or (Simple) PTSD in which case we don't receive the treatment we need. There are some forms and information sheets under "Resources" that may be helpful in finding a good T. 

In the meantime, reading and posting here can help you figure out what's going on and maybe even bring down your fear/anxiety somewhat. It can be quite helpful to have the support of a community of people who are struggling with the same things as you are.