finding a childhood photo of yourself dissociating (tw?)

[Figment]

I am going to try to take this a little lightly because I am struggling with what my T is naming as dissociation and struggling with accepting that I dissociate as regularly and extremely as she suggests. I can't figure out why. It's just a big roadblock and getting too close to the idea makes me nervous.

I found a photo of myself when I was a child the other night when I couldn't sleep and was going through some things (it was a bad night). I was looking for a notebook and I found it tucked in the pages of another one. The picture was taken when I was nine, and I'm in a group setting and we're all doing a craft together and next to me a cousin who is grinning like someone said "cheese" at the camera. And my face is just totally blank and my eyes are huge and scared and as soon as I saw it I connected it with dissociation. It's ... stark. I am a few years older than this cousin and in normal photos I would have looked it, but in this one I look much, much younger. It's also very eerie because it's a group photograph and everyone else is smiling. If it were a photo of a group of strangers I would see that child immediately and know that something very serious was going on with her.

The thing is, I know I took it out of the album--it's from an album that the same cousin gave me a few years after the photo was taken; she filled it with a few pictures of us. I keep it because I filled it with pictures of my childhood dog! It must have been one of her parents who took it, and she put it in and wrote "boo!" next to it because if you didn't know what was happening I guess it could be funny to a kid making a photo album. So I must have pulled it out and put it away, feeling disturbed by it but not knowing why ... I don't remember taking it out, or really noticing that it was gone when I looked at it since.

I don't really know what to do with the picture or the knowledge of it. Mostly it makes me sad. But also, like, do I look like that to others?? It can't possibly be as extreme as this, but it made me wonder. I don't have many pictures of myself. I got a camera when I was 12 (maybe even with that same photo album!) and made myself the photographer. And I don't have any others from that age. It is very sad to look at, but I am strangely glad I found it. It feels like evidence (not proof, though) for some of my memories of that year.

Not really sure why I posted this except it feels so strange. I am trying to decide if I am going to take it into therapy. I feel like it might be a way into talking about dissociating that makes more sense than her pointing it out when it's happening, but I also really do not want to get into details about that year. 

Does anyone have any similar experiences? Not necessarily from a childhood photo--just about running into something like a picture of yourself and seeing it clearly? What did you do with that object?

[Blueberry]

Dear Figment,
When I was very newly into all this stuff and felt very 'raw' most of the time but also very open (which was good and bad) I noticed things about my own childhood photos that I no longer do, or at least not so extremely. e.g. I would see 'very sad' whereas now I see 'serious, not child-like'. I don't know which is correct. A child who doesn't look child-like could make you sad I guess.
I've kept all my childhood photos. Some I put away for a while. Some I've used in therapy e.g. to connect with an inner child.
Sometimes I've snipped photos of other people to bits though - that can feel pretty good   

Like you I've seen childhood photos as evidence that something was wrong. I often looked so tense in photos! There are hardly any where I'm even smiling, let alone laughing. How could nobody notice? But that just takes us back to those questions about how nobody noticed what was going on at all??? 

If you want to take the photo into therapy to talk about dissociating, don't be worried about having to go into details about that year. You can tell your T it's too early for you! If she's a trauma T, she's likely to know that anyway, but you're certainly within your rights to direct her with that kind of thing if she's not!
Blueberry

[meursault]

With the EMDR therapist I saw, I brought in a bunch of pictures at different ages, and all of that stuff was very evident to her too.  SHe commented on them all and showed compassion to the different mes.   I looked just "blank and stunned" in them, and she pointed out that I didn't in the pictures as a baby, but around three to four it showed up.  Looking at the pictures of me, yeah, I know what you mean.  The difference between me and other kids is so stark!  How did nobody notice it?  T pointed out that my older sister had the same look.

It was actually a good thing.  You don't have to get into it with your T at that age, but maybe she will have a reaction that will make you feel safer and more willing to get into it.  And maybe that's a step you can actually take towards dealing with that period that is in your control to address.

Meursault

[writetolife]

Hi figment,
I really like your name. 
I don't have any concrete advice, but I really wanted to mention that I related a lot to something you said. 

because I am struggling with what my T is naming as dissociation and struggling with accepting that I dissociate as regularly and extremely as she suggests. I can't figure out why

It was hard for me to accept that I dissociated, too.  I felt like it made me "crazy" or at least really ill.  Also, to me it signaled that there was really something wrong, that I was really dealing with a trauma response, and I just couldn't deal with that.  That sounded too much like being "damaged."  I also struggle(d) with the concept that if dissociation is my brain going offline (so to speak) to get away from the pain, then doesn't that make me weak or cowardly to not just face it head one.  Of course, dissociation is not a habit that one chooses, nor is it a weakness.  But that is sometimes how I felt.

Maybe you have some sort of value or identity attached to dissociating and that is why it's hard to believe that you do it extensively? 

[Hazy111]

I didnt know what dissociation was, until it was explained to me.

I remember seeing a photo of my sister as a young girl with my grandparents and its a classic dissociative look. They are both looking at the camera but she seems in a trance staring into space into the distance oblivious of the camera.

When i was a young child, i was reknowned for my frown.......i wonder why???