Major Progress!! I'm getting out of my learned helplessness

[rosemarie]

So, after realizing a little while ago my mom is covert narc and my sister is too, and having a full on emotional flashback that lasted for weeks (maybe even months when I was with the narc BF that triggered this realization), I'm finally feeling grounded. I finally just up and decided that I can't be their victim anymore, that I can't be anyones victim anymore, that I have to stop putting my wellbeing and self-esteem in the hands of other people who don't have my best interests at heart. It's too easy for me to slip into the old trauma patterns to even waste my time around or with anyone abusive. It's too dangerous to my sanity and life to think I can keep these types around and they won't keep playing their mind games. I don't blame myself for being a victim, I didn't know, I couldn't help it, and abuse was never my fault. It's just I've come to see that to get out of the learned helplessness I have to empower myself to take responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings, and actions. My practice is when I get triggered, to try and see that trigger as belonging to me and to work with it. It's not always easy like in an emotional flashback but I feel like the only thing I can hope to control is my reactions, not other peoples behavior. I can control how I say 'no' to people and things that don't feel right for me. I don't owe anyone anything and I have to stop giving myself away to people. They can earn my respect and my gifts and my trust over time. But I have to listen to that inner voice that says no and act on it. Cause at this point I can spot a narcissist or mean person from down the street practically, there is a dark energy to them I'm way too familiar with. It's not that they can't trigger me or something it's about how do I react and then what action do I take to protect myself in the moment and the future.

A few days ago, I realize that although I was triggered and having flashbacks, I'm not actually trapped with my narc mom or with anyone, it's all in my mind, it just feels that way. I've spent a lot of time understanding why I feel this way and processing all my trauma. This mother piece of the puzzle was like a rapid processing and clearing, I just let it all come up and out. Of course there are still triggers there but I've shifted to just realizing that's how she is, how my whole family is, and I don't have to take anymore. Yesterday, I made bold a decision I have been wanting to make for a very long time but felt too paralyzed by fear to undertake until now: I'm taking control of my own life. I'm selling everything I own and moving to a different country for at least the next year, hopefully longer. There is nothing for me here, and I already know it's a place where I feel safe and supported and will live with the person I trust most in the world. It''s a lovely tropical place where I've spent a lot of time before and feel very safe, and I can focus on continuing my recovery and working on cultivating my creativity and making my dreams for my life's work a reality. As soon as I decided this my whole body and mind just felt so good. Doubts can come and go, and I see who put them in my mind and why they don't belong there. I choose to stop engaging and getting stuck in self doubt, it's just I don't have time or energy left to give to the nonsense other people tried to make me believe so they could feel superior to me. I have too much work to do living my dreams and helping others do the same through my own experience. I'm so excited!!! It's a little bit scary parting with all my belongings, I have way to many and I think I've accumulated them to feel comfort and false security. I want real security. No one is coming to save me, I have to save myself. And no one is really stopping me besides myself, so I'm taking charge of that now. 

[Three Roses]

WOW!

This is huge! Way to go! Good job, you!!

[sanmagic7]

holy smokes!  quite powerful stuff, rose.  so very glad for you!  yay!

[woodsgnome]

There's so much raw honesty in what you've done here, rosemarie. It's a part of this un-learning process that's hard to come by.

Thanks and congrats  for sharing your jolt of courage to find your own way to the life you deserve.

[Blueberry]

Wow! You sound so empowered!  I'm especially impressed because I'm working towards where you're going, not moving to another country - I'm already there  but taking my own life in my hands and leaving FOO where they are but I'm still stuck and snailing along tho we do say, work at your own pace...
So for you and your pace          

[joyful]

YAY!!!

So happy for you rosemarie!