First Post - Intro and Verbal Vent

[Trillium]

Hi this is Beth,
My first time posting.  Not diagnosed by a professional; self-diagnosed.  Found concept after doing detective work regarding narcissism.  I watched Richard Grannon YouTube videos, found Pete Walker's book, then more and more.   My cPTSD is result of childhood emotional abandonment; these symptoms match my life so much closer than any other...  struggling today.

I have struggled entire life with relationships.  I was a fake.  Did what I could to not be rejected but self-hated at same time.  ( I see all of this now).  Divorced after 25 years, from passive aggressive, covert narco.  Fired from my job.  Both last year. 

I went on a vaca with my sister two weeks ago and told her everything about what I thought about me and cPTSD.   I had two emotional flashbacks on the trip which scared her.  I handled them really well, relative to how I was before I could identify them.  Super short.    I think now that I should have realized that, since she also went through the same childhood, that I may have triggered her.  Today she told me she cannot talk to me anymore if I have flashbacks. 

Intellectually, I understand that she is establishing a boundary.
Me and my Inner Critic examined the flashbacks and I am convinced that I was not abusive at all.
But Inner Critic is still calling me bad names.
I am verbally venting about this.
When she told me that, it felt like rejection, I was panicking a bit.  I feel totally alone.
I feel a bit better now.

I need to find a verbal ventilation section....

Thanks for reading and thanks in advance for replies... I do not think I can bear to tell anyone else what I am going through.

[Three Roses]

It sounds to me as tho what happened on your vaca just scared your sister a bit. She established a boundary but this does NOT make you bad! and if you diligently honor it, while not breaking contact with her, I wonder if you'll see her come around in her attitude a little, and take steps for her own healing.

Thanks for joining! 

[Trillium]

Thanks Three Roses.

I think you are right about her being scared.  I texted her after the phone call and said I loved her.  She replied with about a dozen "love" emoticons.

I don't think I am bad... but I might not be good for her.  It's very complicated right now.  I am going through steps to immerse myself in knowledge and self care.  I so appreciate this site and hope to talk more to others who can understand this.

It is the alone-ness that I am trying to  acknowledge, accept, and overcome. 

Thank you so much for replying.   

[mourningdove]

Welcome, Trillium! 

It sounds like you are on the right track, and I wish you success.