Newbie too.

[BluHorse]

I am so excited about this site. I just found out that there is another type of PTSD = C-PTSD. This makes so much more sense to me. I am 44 and have finally been able to get therapy. I have been attending for one year. I have just learned a new word, "Transference." This scared the crap out of me. I have been through this before but didn't know what it meant. Since then, I have e-mailed my therapist that I was infatuated with him but luckily, I am over it since I know what it is. It happens to therapist all the time. It is normal, the compliment you, provide you a safe space, you tell them absolutely everything, and they make you feel good emotionally.  I started going because I was in a new relationship and I would binge drink at times and then get really angry at my boyfriend at the slightest things. I would always say things like, "I don't need you, I am out of here." So, I worked for months trying to figure out why I was doing that and how to control it. Finally past that. But now my boyfriend and I have been together a year and I am freaking out wondering if I am with the right person, is this how my life is supposed to be? I always have to achieve more. A better job, a better relationship, a better life. Nothing is ever good enough. I don't get to attached to people and when I do, as in a relationship, if I feel like the relationship isn't going well, everything else in my life comes to a complete stop because I can only focus on the relationship. I also have chronic anxiety and OCD. I am trying so hard to be normal but I don't know exactly what that looks like. I am now studying about C-PTSD. I am on Paxil for anxiety, once in awhile I have to take 1/2 a Xanax. But I don't want to get addicted. I have never smoked Marijuana because it has been instilled in me that it is very bad. But, this last weekend I tried it. Not sure what kind it was. I hated it. It made me choke, burnt my trachea and caused issues with my lungs and I had phlegm for a couple of days. I did kind of take my anxiety away for a little while. The next morning I tried it again but I chewed it. I didn't like that either. I started to research medicinal cannabis and found that there is a new strain with very little THC and the most amount of CBD. It was created for a six year old little girl who had epileptic seizers severely. This is actually medicinal. I am not looking to get high, I just want to feel normal. The characteristics of the CBD are alertness, happiness and calmness. THC can make you more depressed, lethargic and tired. Anyway, I would do anything to not be hyper alert and extremely anxious. 

[Rain]

Hi BluHorse,

Welcome to the OOTS forum!   Have you seen Pete Walker's web site at www.pete-walker.com?   He has many excellent articles to learn about CPTSD.   His book CPTSD: Surviving to Thriving is a roadmap many of us use here for healing.

Your therapist is, of course, your best guide as you work through this.    I do see a lot of your present day trials in what you wrote.   

Can you share a bit on your childhood, if that is not re-traumatizing for you?


Rain

[schrödinger's cat]

Hi Bluhorse, pleased to meet you! I hope you'll find something helpful here. I second what Rain wrote about Pete Walker's site. He's a therapist who specialized in CPTSD, and he's got CPTSD himself, so he really knows what he's talking about.

[Des]

Hi BluHorse,

I am pretty new to this site myself so just wanted to say Hi and I think you will find everyone really welcoming.  A lot of what you said really resonated with me especially about always having yo achieve more 

Take care x

[BluHorse]

Thank you for your responses. Yes Rain, I can tell you my story.
1. I was molested / fondled by my biological father for two years starting at the age of 6.
2. A couple of times at the age of 9 I was molested / fondled by biological fathers father ie. my grandfather.   
3. My mom and dad divorced when I was seven because he cheated on her with my live in babysitter. So, at the age of 8 1/2 my mom met her second husband in a local bar. They eventually got married. He was an alcoholic and abused pills. During this time he beat both of us with belts, his fist, hand etc. We had black and blue marks a lot. He was also verbal abusive and mean. He raped me right before I turned 9 yrs. old. One of my first memories is when he was finished my mother made a hot bath and I sat in it and I remember the water turning bloody red. I still have an issue taking a bath to this day. Sexual abuse continued until I was 14. He also made me perform oral sex on my mother. A lot of times he would have sex with both of us at the same time. There were times he was impotent and I had to perform oral sex on him for hours. I was exposed to hard liquor and beer as well sometimes. By the time I started my freshman year at high school I was taking shots of whiskey before I would walk to school. Not too long after that I was taken out of my home and sent to a foster home. My mother refused to go to counseling and divorce her second husband at this time.
The foster home I was in had one teenage girl of their own, and 12 foster children of all ages and both genders. The foster mothers brother moved in with us, he was 42 and I was 14 almost 15. We became "good friends" I thought we fell in love and he ended up abducting me for about 4 days. After this I was put into a group home for girls, with 29 other girls of all backgrounds and abuses. I wasn't allowed to go to school for 3 months because the foster mothers brother ended up stalking me. He found out where I lived and even drove up to the property. Finally when I was able to attend school he stalked me there as well. 

[Sandals]

Welcome, BluHorse.

Thank you for sharing with us; this is a safe place to share. I am so sorry you have had to go through all of that when you were just an innocent child who wanted and needed love and affection. You are a brave and courageous person to keep going. And I still see that bravery in you by continuing to grow and in heal with your therapist, and now here.

Anxiety and anxiousness are old friends for a lot of us here, too. Have you tried EFT (also called tapping)? It can really help reduce in the moment and is not medicinal.

I am looking forward to being with you in your journey.

[Rain]

Thank you for sharing your story, BluHorse.    I have not had enough sleep for two days, so my words cannot even come close to what I would want to say after reading your post.

That was not a childhood.   More like a suburb of *.   I'm glad you are here with us, BluHorse, and are on the healing Journey with us all.

[BluHorse]

Thank you to all who have responded and for showing your support. I am looking forward to some positive conections