Today I feel ...... (Part 3)

[sanmagic7]

today i feel a little more human.  some of that sucks, but mostly it's the best ever.

[sanmagic7]

today i feel sad, especially for me.  i don't like what i'm facing.

[mourningdove]

sanmagic - 

[Wife#2]

sanmagic - 

   

[woodsgnome]

Today I feel...like I'm in a huge relapse. Following 2 nights of decent sleep (for me a rarity), last night it was as if the demons were unleashed and relentless in their fury. Now sleep-deprived, I face a day including a therapy session for which I was feeling in a good state, now the pendulum has swung and hit me square yet again; leaving me dizzy, confused, angry, and intensely sad.

I feel like I'll never make it out of this pit. Swings are one thing; but they seem extremely wild and out-of-control  of late. This isn't a bumpy ride, it's just stupid and the self-blame finger points its gnarled finger right at me with accusations of "it's your-own-fault" shaming and other taunts.

I'm sorry, I know this may even upset those who read this even more; but I have no where to turn right now.

[radical]

You're not making me feel bad, Woodsgnome.  I'm glad you felt able to reach out.
I feel like I know how this feels.  It's not your own fault, it's how it is.  You haven't willed this on yourself or caused the demons to be unleashed by any act or omission.

I just hope you can find some kindess for yourself.  You are always so kind to others.  And I very much hope your session gives you some of the care and kindness you need right now.

[mourningdove]

You didn't upset me either, woodsgnome. I'm just sorry that you feel so badly.

If the self-blame is too powerful to believe anything different about yourself, then please let us be your witnesses, and we can reflect back to you what we see: It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong.

[woodsgnome]

Mourningdove and radical,

Thank you. I'm still laid pretty low by what I thought would never happen again, to the extent it did...those ferocious demons. My t suggested it's a sign they're desperate; next time I plan to follow that up, e.g. why she thinks that, as she knows I'm frustrated with false hope. But I'm open to that, which might be the greater hope, as I've mouthed things like being open in word, but that wasn't reflected in deed. You know, the old believing in myself theme...yes, I say that, seems like I get halfway there on a rickety swinging bridge, then retreat to safety, even if in reality it isn't that safe.

Both of you have allowed me to regain a base of composure about this. I can't thank you enough; it's like your kindness has at least stabilized the bridge so I can continue the journey...not knowing where I go is even beginning to feel safer than always searching out the perfectly safe route. That said, I'm still worn out.

[Candid]

Utterly without hope

[Three Roses]

Candid 

We'll be here to listen.

[Kizzie]

Sending much care and support your way Candid 

[radical]

   Sorry things are so hard for you today.  Sending warm wishes and gentle thoughts across the miles.
Keep posting and take care.